The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do you begin to talk to your best friend about his problem when you know he is an alcoholic and he doesn’t know that you know?
I live in the USA and he lives in Scotland, but we do spend a lot of time together. We work together via the internet, and have traveled extensively. We went to New Zealand last year and will soon be off to Australia. During my visits to Scotland his wife has poured out her soul to me about his drinking. He hides it well from me as I have only seen him drunk once in eight years. His wife can not approach him. She is a timid soul and can not deal with confrontation. Her solution is just to leave him - which she is planning to do soon. He doesn’t know that. This will be his third failed marriage because of alcohol.
My late husband was an alcoholic. I know what it does to you emotionally as a spouse and also know the damage it does to vital organs after years of abuse. My friend is nearly 60 years of age. Maybe it is too late? Or maybe it is better for me to just be a good friend to both of them and not bring up the topic at all to him?
Elizabeth.....I have found in my own experience that when the A is in denial, nothing you say or do will make any difference at all. I started going to al-anon and my husband an A said I had the problem not him. He filed for divorce calling me an unfit mother. My sister an addict...exploded on her last visit to my home. She became violent with me...when I tried to speak to her about her behavior while she is high she blamed the whole thing on me. Face to face meetings and working my program is the only thing that helps me. The 3 C's were my first lesson. You did not cause it, cannot cure it, cannot control another's drinking. All you can do is learn to cope in healthy ways.
Thanks, Julia. In my heart I know there is nothing I can do to help him if he does not care to help himself and doesn’t even recognize that he has a problem. He is totally alienated from his siblings and has no idea where in the world his two sons might be. But it is tough doing nothing. I have lots of friends, but only one best friend.
He seems to be two different people. His wife describes someone who is constantly drunk, belligerent and anti-social. I know someone who is an intelligent public speaker [that is why we travel], is like a social butterfly and the center of attraction everywhere we go - as his charming personality radiates about the room.
elizabeth: I have known many an A who is good at putting on the social act. Perhaps that never goes. I think of Richard Burton. I once worked with his brother he had none of the anger you would think that he would have being a silbing of an A. The A's ability to create different worlds is incredible.
I hope you find some new friends. I try not to be friends with A's anymore. I never really know who they are. They are such chameleons.
