Need some help sorting this out. As my ex wife and I are trying to figure out whether we can work things out, we are still living in the same house with our 2 kids. She has moved back to our bedroom a few months ago. A strange living arrangement, I know. (The buyers of our house backed out on the deal, so we stayed here.) I’m sober over 2 years and never wanted the divorce. She pushed the divorce through because while I was working on my own alcoholic/self esteem issues, I was not able to provide her with what ‘she needed’ soon enough in sobriety. I realized this as it was happening and tried to explain to her at the time that I wasn’t ready for certain things until I got my head screwed on a little straighter. I understood how messed up I was and that it would take some time. In the beginning, when I came home from the rehab, she developed this ‘friendship’ with a guy; a mutual friend of ours going through his own divorce. After a few months she was doing family stuff with this guy and our kids and his, most of it, I was excluded from. She said I made people feel uncomfortable around me. They would go over his house and spend time with the kids while I sat home alone. That did wonders for my self esteem. The two of them shared a condo for a week at the beach together with all the kids a year ago August. I was not invited and my kids were in tears when they left that I was not going. It was probably the worst week of my life, I probably would have taken my life if it weren’t for the daily support I had from my AA friends and my HP. As the divorce progressed she was spending more and more time with him, sleeping at his place without our kids. It was at this point I felt that there had been nothing I could do to save the marriage, It wouldn’t have mattered how 'perfect' I was, she would have found fault with me. The week after the divorce last August, they took the four kids on a cruise to Bermuda. By that time I had given up any hope of reconciliation and, although it hurt like hell, was doing a pretty good job accepting things and moving on.

Now she says she wants to see if it’s possible to get the old feelings for me back. She said that she realized that the relationship with the other guy would never go anywhere and she is ending it. She said she doesn’t hate me anymore, likes me as a friend, and enjoys my company now. There is just no physical attraction left on her part. She says she is not dating anyone while she is trying to work this out, but she still crosses paths with this guy; they have mutual friends she met through him who she still hangs out with, and sometimes he is at the same places. She said she saw him at McDonalds the other day and spoke to him. When asked, she told me that she still talks to him on the phone a few times a week. When I tell her how painful this still is to me she can’t understand. She said instead of me worrying about her talking to him, I should be thinking about what I did to force her into his arms. I never cheated on her, always provided for us financially, and was never violent through those bad times. I was a self-loathing active alcoholic who hated myself so much I was incapable of showing her how much I loved her. I did my best to make amends with my ninth step with her. About the other guy, she says it’s her business and that I shouldn’t tell her who her friends should be. I don’t think I am telling her that. We’re divorced, she is free to do what ever she wants. If she never wants to speak to me or see me again that is her right. If she wants to get married to this guy, I have nothing to say about it. But if she really wants to see if we can work things out with us? As far as I’m concerned, if she really cares about trying with me, he should not be in the picture at all. Regardless of her intentions or feelings for him, this is very painful to me and really makes me want to NOT want to give 100% for fear of getting hurt. She says that I hurt her for over ten years of our marriage. Does that mean that she feels she has the right to hurt me back now? I tell her that now that I’m sober, I’m not the same person and am no longer capable of that horrible past behavior. Then she says that if I can’t get over it, we shouldn’t bother trying at all. I can get over the stuff that’s in the past, but if she’s STILL communicating with him, that is NOT in the past. I told her that that’s like me taking a few sips of beer a week and telling her not to worry because it’s my business and it’s not enough to get me drunk -- it has nothing to do with her and should have no effect on how she feels about my past drinking, so get over it. How ridiculous would that be?

I’m really torn as to what to do. I’m feeling so much better about myself lately and would really like to see my family healthy and whole. I’ve told her that I’m working very hard to get myself emotionally healthy and really want to have a healthy, intimate, loving relationship in my life. I told her that I’d like to see if that relationship could be with her before I decide to try with someone else. I’m dying to get back into counseling with her, but don’t want to force the issue. I would like her to pick the therapist this time, she didn’t feel comfortable talking about certain issues to the last two I picked, and I don’t want to run into that problem again.

Things between us have been going pretty good lately. We’ve been able to talk more and I feel like she’s finally hearing some of the things I say. But I also feel like I’m in a situation where I need to perfect all the time and not bring up any thing that I feel uneasy about because she throws it back at me with either “This is why I need time away from you” or “If that’s the way you feel then we shouldn’t even bother trying” In other words, if we fail at this it will be my fault for being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable wanting her to cut all ties to the other guy if she really wants to try?