The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If my A (who is my son), is living with me in a separate guesthouse, goes out and doesn't come home all night sometimes, and I am not ready to make him leave yet, should I just ignore it and not ask any questions? I know he will lie so how do I just let it go so I am not worrying all the time. Most of the time I have been able to do it. I just don't know how long I should let it go on. I have been told by my therapist that he is a grown man and I should not have to know what he is doing. When I have had enough I will know and then I will do something about it. Does that sound like the right answer?
I too have a grown son, who does live with me. I share your feelings, almost exactly. I have learned to set physcial boundaries that I can control. For example: if I wash laundry, I don't do his. If he wants it done, he can use my washer but must do mine. He must clean up, no swearing, no drunk friends in my home ever. He can't come in late for it disturbs the rest of the house. So if he wants to stay out, he can call, and stay out all night. This way I'm giving him a adult choice to stay out late, but respecting my home by not coming in late. It' then his choice, after I set the rules. I do agree it's hard, very hard. I too have not come to that road where I can kick him out.
It's true, he's a grown man, but DO NOT let his decisions affect YOUR life. That's where you draw the line. No one says you have to decide today to kick him out. Today set your rules, let him live his life, as long as it doesn't affect yours. See where it gets you. Tomorrow isn't here. Decide for today.
It's kinda funny, your therapists says exactly what mines says! Maybe they're the same?!!!!!
Good luck, control what you can, let go of what's not yours. I do feel for you. If you want you could write me using the private messaging, since we share some very similiar situations.
I think that must be very difficult. Do you do step 123 when that happens. It is not good for you to be up worrying. I try not to think about where the A is. He is an adult and can choose things. But I do set limits on using and abusing in the house, who comes to the house and more.
I am exhausted personally so I am not up to the point of getting into what he does.
I am not sure what the limits are that you would want. Do you want him to go to rehab. Do you have limits about being called from jail/dui/things like that. I do.
