The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, may I just say an enormous thank you to everyone on the boards. I really did not expect the understanding and support that I have received here. I haven't been to a F2F meeting yet, but I plan to go today or tomorrow. (Wednesday is my birthday so I want to go at least once before then).
Anyhow, this past weekend, my A who had been sober for two and a half weeks had some wine. I kind of knew this would happen. I left him for the evening because friends were having a party for me that was girls only. I wasn't there so he drank at me. Okay. I still needed to go.
The thing is, when he wasn't drinking (which was forced by his father) he was a "dry drunk". He was the worst of who he is when he is drinking. Angry, suicidal, you name it.
He did not "go overboard" as he puts it. He had a bottle of wine (which is far better than him having three which was the norm...) He didn't have any the rest of the weekend, and was back to his old, sweet wonderful self. And I hate to say it, but I was just so glad to have him back. To have a break from the tyranny of his anger at sobriety. But it's such a slippery slope. This is always how it starts. He has just a few and is fine so he thinks he can drink and be fine. He knows somewhere that it isn't true, but I can just see where this is going.
And at the same time, I am lying to myself a bit. I am saying, "well, maybe he just needed that night so he can quit on his own terms, for him, not for his dad." the bottom line is that he just might not be ready. i don't know. i just hope he is.
I also came to the realization of a major fault of mine. My empathy. Sympathy can be a very good thing. So can empathy, but in my case, I have a tendancy to suck up other people's emotions like a sponge, whether I want to or not. I can immediately feel it in a room if someone is happy or sad and I absorb whatever emotion is most powerful at the time. This does no good. I have no idea what I am feeling for me. And I certainly can't help my A or myself when I am reduced to tears every day just because I can feel what pain he is in. I don't know at ALL how to change this, but I recognize it and want to change it, so I think that is a good thing.
I also wanted to share with you what is essentially my mantra:
Everyone's doing the best they can from day to day.
The more you think about it and observe it, the more it helps with the anger.
The other
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
i, too, have that "spongebob" quality. but just recently i have decided to be more of a "sandy" personality. she does what makes her happy, always has a smile on her face & brings one to others as well. i'm not ignoring the problem, but i am choosing to go on with what makes me happy, and i don't focus on the negative.
my dad almost died (twice)from drinking. he quit for a while,his doctor told him his liver looked good, and he is on the road to recovery. i think my dad thinks he was given a clean bill of health. then one day he would have a beer and watch the football game. then it was another and another...eventually it escaladed to the same way it was before.
it's sad, but true. i have decided to not get worked up about it. instead of absorbing all his pain & problems, i do something productive that makes me happy. i am the kind of person that if i am happy, it rubs off on everyone around me. lucky me!
hang in there and do what makes you happy.
***sorry about the spongebob/sandy thing. i have a 1yr old & 3yr old and find myself relating to cartoons and baby language (we'll be out in public and i tell my hubbie that i will be in the potty).
I know how that goes, I taught preschool and I would occasionally start cutting my bf's meat at the dinner table. So I definitely got the references.
The question is, how to get more of that "Sandy" quality? I try and I try to put on a happy face, but it just gets exhausting. (Not that being miserable isn't exhausting too). I just don't know how yet to not soak all these things up. It's strange. I am an actress, so all of my life I thought empathy was one of the best things I could have. Now, not so much. It is driving me crazy!
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
