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If they finally obtain sobriety when no longer with you?!?!?!? If he finally does it after trying for so many years, I would definately feel, for the rest of my life that it really was me, that only him leaving me meant he could finally be healthy. That would be very hard to live with, especially because it's what anyone really only wants anyway, and then they finally do it without you? How heartbreaking
You'd be wasting your time thinking like that! Neither you nor anyone else is at fault no matter when or where he attains his sobriety. I know how hard guilt is to shake, but you can. Just remember the 3 Cs. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; you can't cure it. That's really true you know.
Best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
it doesn't matter WHEN or with WHOM he got sober....it was HIS path never yours,
U didn't cause his drinking.......U couldn't control his drinking......U couldn't cure his drinking..........that is ONLY between him and his hp.....whether he was with u w/out u drinking or sober...it had ZERO to do with U......peace/ rosie
What if he'd have stayed & reached sobriety earlier? What if his leaving was his wake up call?
What if, could have, should have!!! This is wasted time. Don't spend all your time worrying about what you'll never know, spend your time for today. This you can control.
I figure there are 3 roads that I could take.
1) What if I choose to be on that negative road of despair & hopeless thought, ya know that "you" road, it's "your fault", "you should have"? And what if he too stays on this negative road? Well, I guess then there are two lost lives, or souls? or What if he finally reaches sobriety, and I'm not there on that same plane, that same higher road because I'm on my lonely road of despair & hopelessness? Whatever his choice, if I stay on this lonely & negative road, that would be my choice. His choice does not have to affect my choice.
2) What if I choose to be on that higher road, the "I" road? And what if he never gets on that higher road himself? Well, I suppose I could always go forward w/o him. At least it won't be two lives lost on that negative, despairing road! Also, it's sad but he's not dead, and there's always a chance he'll make it. His choice will not affect my choice.
3) What if I choose to be on that "I" road for myself? If & when my spouse reaches his road of sobriety, I will already be there on that higher road, waiting. My choice is to live my life, so that I have a life to be able to share with him when he makes his own choice.
In each case, in each road, I have a choice. I will choose #3. #2 will be my back up plan, but I refuse to take that 1st road anymore.
I can and will do all that I can with what I have.
It's so easy to tell ourselves or others WE didn't cause it, etc etc, but the reality is, if your with someone for over 16 years, and they couldn't do anything about it until after they left you, then in their mind and mine, it was CAUSED BY ME, and CURED by leaving me. See what I mean?!?!? People can preach and preach and tell you to just worry about yourself, yadayadayada, but in all reality, it's either time that helps you out, or who knows???!!!!! Don't tell me that anyone ever fully just lets it go, unless you find someone who takes your pain away. Sometimes it seems like all this mental-type therapy is only covering up what is really underneath and someday it can just come out and explode everywhere. How could it not piss me off that for over 16 years I prayed he'd finally get help, and when he finally wants and probably will do it, it will be as a result of leaving myself and his family. How the hell could anyone ever live with that fact? I could easily move on a forget about him if I NEVER EVER had to see or hear from him again, but if and when I do, and he's still sober, it will eat at me for the rest of my life, and if i'm lucky enough, I'll be able to bury it like most of you do, how? I don't know that yet.
SD_________ it will eat at me for the rest of my life, and if i'm lucky enough, I'll be able to bury it like most of you do, how? I don't know that yet.
ROSIE__________i am sorry that u r going through this, and i hope it does NOT "eat u" for the rest of ur life....the program is NOT easy, noone said it would be.... "keeping it simple" only means, that we try to live the basics, try not to complicate stuff.........and i don't / have not burried anything...i just go ONE day at a time...and i try to make the best out of all the sucky stuff that HAS happened to me that i cannot control........
i know i dont' have the power to cause someone to drink or cause them to get help.....i can only control me, and how i respond to life...how i react to situations....i can fight it/ resist it.....OR i can "go with the flow" take care of me and make the best of it......people come and go in our lives, and who knows WHY this or that person leaves us, but it happens...i was with my X for 12 years, i finally ended up initiating the split becuz i wanted recovery...he did not......
i could only take care of / be responsible for me......i know it looks like this program is a "me me me" type thing, i guess its the times we live in....soo much evil....soo much misery......soo much change...the ONLY constant i have is me!!
i have said more "goodbyes" than a hooker at a navy yard...........sometimes i feel like i am an island.....i am with me/ my hp/ my inner child....sometimes that is just NOT ENOUGH......but i cannot MAKE a "mr. right" come into my life...i can only develope a relationship with my CONSTANT adn that is ME!!!! and as i get INTO ME, i crave less and less about a mate.....
its sad!!! so sad to have to "let go" of something that is so natural to want (a mate) but in these times??? i just try and take care of me and make the best of it...what ELSE can i do??? fight it??? resist it??? control it??? manipulate it??? i tried ALL of the above and i got so beaten down by life, i was ready for suicide........so now??? i go ONE day at a time...and i am "keeping the focus on me" i am my own partner...my own lover...my own supporter...my own provider.....yes, i reach out and keep my family relationships close, reach out to friendships, i "make the best out of it" i am finding more peace by not "fighting it" and by going with the flow.....allowing the pain, not fighting it but rather flowing WITH it.....it seems to go away faster and better with less a toll on me.........i relish the "sweet times" becuz i know life has ebbs and flows, and both teach me......
i didn't mean to get carried away here, its just sometimes we have to make "lemon aide" with all the lemons that were thrown at us and i have had a TON of it.......this program is the ONLY thing that has ever even SMELLED like it is going to work for me...........
I'm so sorry for your pain. All I can say I've had days, months, hell, a few years that I thought were endless. I feel much better today than I've felt in 4 years. Mostly because the more I put into the program, the more I get from it. I know this doesn't help when you're feeling angry, upset, lost. Just try looking at today only. What can you do for yourself today, and for someone else today? Oh, I might add it's good to vent here. We can't bottle our true feelings w/o exploding. Your feelings are yours to have, acknowledge them, but don't dwell on them because your future is yours to have to.
I can relate to some of this. When I was married a long time ago I was really obsessive about recovery. I did not know then my exhusband was an A. He had it well hidden. He did of course mention it when we were dating. After we finally separated he threw himself into recovery. I think in some ways it was to snub me. It was to show me he could be more passionate about recovery than I was. He eventually became a therapist.
The issue is that he was an alcoholic long before he met me. He did not choose recovery when he was with me. He did a lot of putting it all on me. Of course I had my own issues to contend with. I had my own issues long before I met him too. I can separate them all out.
I think it would be easy to think if he had loved me he would have committed but he could not. Neither could I in some ways. In some ways we had a regular blame fest going. In other ways we were a tremendous influence on each other. That marriage caused me to start looking at myself in ways I never did before. In some ways it has been one of the most important relationships in my life. In other ways this current relationship has also been important. Both have brought up many many issues for me. I am not sure "love" or "commitment' could in any way influence those issues. Love could not transcend years of child abuse and erase them. I know my exhusband was neglected and abused in some ways. I know my current boyfriend is too. No amount of my loving my current boyfriend can eradicate those issues neither can I eradicate his years of drug abuse I only found out when I was firmly into the relationship on many many levels (that being me was before day 1 of course).
I hope you find peace. My own sense of over responsibility and feeling that I needed to control everything wore heavily on me.
I just want to say that I was in that same position twice. An old boyfriend got sober after we split, married someone else and had two kids. When I saw him after all that with a few years sobriety under his belt(on his own no program) I was afraid that old feelings would come back and that I would once again fall in love with him. My HP came to my rescue by showing me just what a controlling, manipulative person he was. Stopping drinking did not make him the kind of man I wanted anyway. The other person was my ex-husband. I only have his word a year after we split that he had stopped gambling. Again no program did it on his own. He said I did not make him "happy" so he left me for another woman with 5 kids from at least 3 different men(bitter??? who me LOL). I am able to say now after 5 years in Al-Anon that I truly hope that he has found the happiness he was looking for. I know now that our relationship was never healthy so I am happy that it took the turn it did.
If they finally obtain sobriety when no longer with you?!?!?!? If he finally does it after trying for so many years, I would definately feel, for the rest of my life that it really was me, that only him leaving me meant he could finally be healthy. That would be very hard to live with, especially because it's what anyone really only wants anyway, and then they finally do it without you? How heartbreaking
