The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A went out after work yesterday and hasn't come home yet. Today I found him in a sleazy hotel and confronted him (again). He said he wasn't ready and I should just leave him alone. Then I came home and read some of the posts here. (I read mostly, only posted a few times). I saw one that said 'you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it'. Man, that hit home with me! I don't know what I am thinking when I go looking for him. Actually, I know, I think I can save him. Well I can't and even though I know it in my brain, my heart rules me. It's time I let my brain do the thinking. So I made a promise to myself and I'm telling all of you. I'm not going to live my life around him. We were supposed to go watch the high school hockey game tonight and I took my kids and we went without him. It felt good. If he comes home tomorrow, he can be part of our lives, but if not, our lives will go on without him. He's the one missing out, it's not going to be me anymore. Thanks for listening. And mostly thanks for writing. Your posts mean the world to me.
That is great that things are clicking for you! I remember when I first heard the 3 Cs and it clicked for me too. It was at one of my first face to face alanon meetings. Mine was for my 19 year old daughter at the time though. If we could save them they would have been saved by now. Just think of everything we have tried so far! It is when I came to alaon and learned to detatch with love and focus on me is when my life started to change. WE don't realize the things we do to enable them to continue in their disease either. It is also a family disease and I became worse than my daughter was! I am glad you are here and keep on taking care of you and coming back :) cdb (((((((((cabma)))))))) <<<<supportive hugs
So glad you are here!! I know what you mean about this site. It has been a life saver for me! I attend f2f too, but this is always available ...any time night or day.
It has helped me so much! Keep coming back .... we love you!
Irish
I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!
the 3 c's did the same for me too, it was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders when i realized that it wasn't my fault and that i could do nothing to make my A stop drinking or behaving in ways that were hurtful to me. I learned to keep the focus on myself and do the things that made me happy despite what the A in my life was doing. Keep coming cabma! It works if you work it!
You mentiioned the 3 C's. They are a helpful to remember. I happened to first hear them when my husband was in rehab...from one of the counselors.
When I heard "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it" I blew a sigh of relief. Even though deep down I knew it wasn't my fault it still felt good to hear someone "in the know" say it to me. When he added " and you can't control it." I tried to argue "well, there must have been something else I could have done tohelp."I didn't immediatelybelieve that I couldn't have somehow better controlled my A and our situation. This, of course, ties into my reluctance to admit powerlessness. That was a little hard for me to swallow. As I heard someone share once "it's not that I didn't know I was powerless the hard thing was to ADMIT IT!"
Something else I've heard about another set of C's that you can gain in the program "calm, clarity, consistency" Calmness of spirit, clarity of thinking, and consistency in action. I really love that because I really want that. So I continue to come back and I am working -that's the key- working the program.
This is a wonderful place to be and I again did notwarm up to al anon right away either...I think I'm beginning to see a pattern, but I did come back and for the right reasons (for me) and for that I am grateful. Take care of you and keep coming back, Michelle
I think it would be hard not to over react with an A acting out in that way. I have spent many a sleepless night wondering if the A is out somewhere. Right now he is over at his brothers doing dope. He usually has a few drinks then so he is coming back with a dui possibility at night. He is heavily into smoking dope at the moment it is his current doc and it bothers me immensely because he does not have the money to do it. I have set limits though I do not call him, pester him or ask him for stuff while he is out. He knows I am ill he does very very little for me. Our whole life is supposed to revolve around his using and it always did until now. This morning I woke up feeling much better. I have been taking a lot of advice from people here and resting and calming myself a lot. I feel far more centered.
I hope you can attend to your own fatigue and jangled nerves. Personally i have found that absolutely exhausting. It was a bit step for me to admit I was completely emotionally exhausted and had nothing more I could give him.
Hello Camba , so glad u found this site. 3 C:s are wonderful. A's need enablers to continue thier life style and unfortunatley that s where we come in . We believe thier lies, we save them from them selves (hotels) we cover th ier butts we make excuses for crappy behavior , and lie for them to others . Until we stop doing those things absolutley nothing will change for the alcoholic .
As long as we do for them what they should be doing for themselves they have no reason to change, why should they?
keep the focus on your own needs and get your life back on track and at least one of you will be hppy. I hope u try f2f meetings u need support and friends who understand . good luck
" It's time I let my brain do the thinking. So I made a promise to myself and I'm telling all of you. I'm not going to live my life around him."
ROSIE_______i know once i ACCEPT something, i can better practice it and then the brain knowledge, becomes heart knowledge and habit.......awareness.....acceptance......right action.......we can be aware, but until we accept....we cannot really put into practice the healthy way...............peace/ rosie
, but I did come back and for the right reasons (for me) and for that I am grateful. Take care of you and keep coming back, Michelle