The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been looking closely at the issue of boundaries with the A as he is able to blur the boundaries and crash over mine so well. We have been 5 years into a relationship that has been one that has been essentialy boundaryless for me most of the time.
I have bought a my own storyline about how indispensable and important I was to him many many times. In the last year I totally wiped out my savings helping him with very little acknowledgement from him that I did that in fact he refuses to acknowledge it. Then he will turn on a dime and insist that he does not need or even want the relationship which of course leaves me feeling desolated, violated and ignored. I find it very difficult to pick myself up when he does that and I know he pulls that particular ploy when he wants to knock me down. And I allow him to. I never walk away when he begins that line because I am still hoping on so many levels he will stop behaving as destructively towards me as he does to himself regularly.
This seductive ego story of he "needs me" is often at the heart of my justifying being boundaryless around him. That and of course my own sense of being abandoned so many times in so many relationships. I justify my martyrdom in that. I would rather be a martyr than feel abandoned. Of course I have my own desire to violate boudnaries and indeed when I am screaming and shouting and carrying on as much as I justify it by my feelings of abandonment and rage I do certainly violate boundaries including my neighbors.
I would rather believe that I was uniquely suited to help the a and somehow justify all the violating, boundarylessness and boundary crossing and blurring as "helping" or reacting to his self destructivenss without being able to own I have my own particular self destructiveness when I am boundaryless, spent and exhausted. I am the only ones who could possibly help or understand him yet when I really think about it I really do not know him because he chooses very actively not to be intimate emotionally (being boundaryless is not being intimate!) so I am merely responding to my own needs not his.
I think sometimes I let others walk all over me in my own misguided attempts to be helpful. How helpful is it, really, to encourage others to be so mindless and unkind? When I behave in this way, it is important to look into my own motivations. Often I find fear of being abandoned by the "a". Ie believe that if I'm not giving the "a" what he wants/demands , there will be no basis for a continuing relationship and he will seek others to be dependent on. He already has of course done that and I have agonised with jealousy and envy over relationships that are also dysfunctional believing that he is somehow giving them more than he does to me. When I know he is not able to be emotionally responsive in any way in a present tense. He is good at looking like he is but he is not really "there" for them anymore than he is there for me.
I have had to look at that I was willing to keep the relationship at all costs rather than be willing to navigate my way through feeling abandoned, abused and lost in the space I was in. I know that sometimes I didn't say "no" because I was afraid of his anger. He was very good at declaring when he was angry that I was not being loving. In fact he is very very rarely loving toward me in any way but I never did expect reciprocity in any form, just to be "used" and to be "needed" was enough for me. Anything but to be abandoned. Sometimes I just couldn't bear feeling helpless when there really wasn't anything I was able to do. I would rather rage at his mother and brother than admit that I was powerless over his childhood as others are over mine. I could rage at her rather than admit that the issues were beyond my scope of fixing. If I could rage at her enough things would change.
When I "yes" in the hope of avoiding My own pain of abandonment, of never feeling loved, or never feeling part of, or never feeling that I would have a relationship that was "there" for me., I was no longer listening to him or to me. I was merely running from my own pain of abandonment, loss and sense of self. I was running as fast as I could into justifying actions that were boundaryless, self destructive and eventually almost destroyed me.
I am trying to look at that saying "no," can be compassionate action. For me setting good boundaries is the a spiritual practice, a discipline a way to be in the world without sacrificing myself (which I was taught to do as a child). At the same time, it is very difficult to know when I am setting sane boundaries and when I am just trying to stay comfortably uninvolved. There are times like now when I am spiritually and emotionally exhausteds thwat is appropriate for me to be uninvolved with the A's life because he has run over, trampled and smashed my boundaries so many times I need time to ressurect and build some. I know that conscious contact with my HP daily will help me reveal my subtle, and not so subtle, motivation to myself. One of my greatest wishes is to be able to be present and more free of my agenda and less haunted by my past. To be present in the presnet with appropriate adult self rather than always feeling like an abandoned and wounded child.
Wow! You have such good insight into who you are and where you are at. I find that it helps me to re-read my posts and let what I put sink in late on too. I do feel that knowldedge is power and you certainly are gaining alot of knowledge! I was sexually abused at 7 years old and have a year of my life blocked out. It took me alot of therapy to get through the feelings of this later in life. Our childhood does so mold who we are but we don't need to be stuck there. I am who I am because of my past. I am who I am too because of the changes I chose to make to make me a better person. I see you working so hard and I know you will have great, healthy changes in store for you! Keep on posting and working on you! cdb xoxoxoxoxo
What a self-reflective, truthful, and yet loving post!
I, too, really struggle to set boundaries for MANY of the reasons you mentioned (fear of abandoment, wanting to be needed, etc.). And, I've also found it difficult to know what boundaries I even wanted to set or how to even set them.
A few weeks ago, someone on the board used the phrase: "Boundaries I can live with"
Boy, was that an eye-opener! It made me realize how often I set "boundaries" that in fact I can't live with. Often, I set "boundaries" that are laced with the intention to punish and therefore are very painful to maintain, and therefore not really boundaries at all.
I've found that I need to give myself A LOT of time to figure out what the right boundary is for me and how to articulate it. I "try on" a bunch of boundaries until I find one that really FITS, feels good to me, and has as the primary motive, to protect ME--my resources, energy, and self.
Before I say "yes" to a task, I examine my motives. Just looking at my motives REALLY helps me see how often I say "yes" not because I want to but because I want to please, want to seem helpful, etc. Now, I give myself a minute to really think, examine my motives, and then respond with what I TRULY want to do.
I've also found the 12 traditions of Alanon an important guide for how to handle my personal relationships. I read the traditions regularly and think about how they apply to how I conduct myself in my life and relationships. Alanon's book Paths To Recovery has been a wonderful guide to thinking about the traditons.
The more I take care of myself--enough sleep, massages, good meals--the more I value myself, the more I like my life, and the more I really SEE what it is that I'm attempting to protect with my boundaries.
(((Maresie))) You are absolutely amazing! I could see myself in so many ways in your post. I fear rejection on m any levels and often times do things out of my comfort zone to appease others. Thankfully I have this program to help reel me in when I start drifting too far. I wonder if the 34 years it took me to get here is what it's going to take before I can leave all those abondonment issues behind me? Sometimes I don't even realize that I have reverted back to my old behavior until I am knee deep in crap again!!
Putting ourselves first still seems like a selfish act to me at times, though I do it more frequently than before. There is still a part of me that is waiting for the approval of those around me before I can feel whole. I usually get like that when I am under tremendous pressure - that is when it is the easiest for me to drop myself to the bottom of the list. It is frustrating and agonizing when you know you can live differently!
All I ever wanted was to be loved for who I am. I have to remind myself that here in these rooms that is the one place that is true!!
AMAZING!!! Is all I can say. I opened your post and it was as if you had looked inside of me, pulled out everything and put it on the page....
I too have raged against everyone in the hopes of controlling the uncontrollable....I have rationalized poor behavior because my ability to intellectualize rather than feel things had become a strategy in negotiating the war zone that had become my life....
Kicking my A out was the best thing I did. The pain was not nearly as bad as I had always imagined. As time drew on the pain I felt when he was around superceded the pain of him being gone...I started to feel happiness alone.
The boundaries I set made me recognize my own worth. I am capable...despite what my A and the needy little girl inside me said time and time again....and nothing but feeling that pain and coming through on the other side taught me that...I can firmly look my A in the eye now and know that I do not need him...for anything. It is the most freeing feeling I have ever experienced.
"When I "yes" in the hope of avoiding My own pain of abandonment, of never feeling loved, or never feeling part of, or never feeling that I would have a relationship that was "there" for me., I was no longer listening to him or to me. I was merely running from my own pain of abandonment, loss and sense of self. I was running as fast as I could into justifying actions that were boundaryless, self destructive and eventually almost destroyed me.
I am trying to look at that saying "no," can be compassionate action"
It nvr occurred to me that my entire life my mother, who encouraged me to be rmotionally expressive, never wanted to hear my feelings or know me in this way... being a truth teller, means it forces others to have to face their feelings... most ppl don't want to take responsibility & are just lying to themselves & see this in many, not just A's.
All this time while I was "plugging in" to others, thinking I was loving them & at the expense of myself (martyrdom syndrome) that I was justified for some higher purpose ~ that in doing this I was abandonning myself. Of course, saying "no" IS a way to protect yourself & take care of yourself. I never had a problem saying no to anyone, I could even do it w/ my mother/step-father but I would feel horribly guilty. I am grateful that sense I took that last precious drop of loving energy back for me ~ this guilt is gone.
Love, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
hi girl, i only wanted to ask. i have supported my a financially and in so many other ways. paid his taxes etc.
Well guess what? When he gets money do you think I see any of it?
He was saying this year he will get tax returns back. I said,"oh great I have paid YOUR back taxes for 7 years and now you get some back and YOU think you should get them?????" So he said he was having all his mail sent home here so I can get them.
I just read your post again & was thinking... why it's so seductive for us to want to "rescue/fix or otherwise help others" ~ those manipulative & creative A's suck us in & we fall for it hook line & sinker... it's part of our sickness, not focusing on ourselves & being the 'good little martyrs' we were raised/honed to be.
My mom was abused, horribly, grew up with no boundaires, the A's have no boundaires & we tend to not either... it's why we're here.
I can control myself, I can change myself & (logically therefore) I can cure myself.
I don't think Haxi would mind if I posted his script for Boundaries, so here goes...
The 6 Guidleines for Setting Boundaires
Create clearly defined expectations.
Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt your serenity (& u can stick to).
Set them clearly.
Communicate them clearly.
Enforce them consistently.
Do so without regard for the relationship (release any expectations).
-Kitty
-- Edited by kitty at 16:38, 2006-01-29
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
