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My A who moved out 5 weeks ago is mad at me because I went out with my friends from work last night.we went to the Eagles which really isn`t a bar..it`s a club and even families go there.I had fun had a few drinks and left my car there and got a ride from a sober friend.He has went out with friends on a monthly basis..sometimes weekly to the bar and I always tolerated it..i didn` like it but I accepted it.Now were seperated and I`m left with 4 kids to take care of on my own..he doesn`t do anything for them or even give me any money.We`ve been talking about going to therapy together and working on our marriage but I sit here night after night alone.I did one thing for my self and now I`m a b***h..and all sorts of other vulgar names and I don`t love him or want to work things out. Does this make sense to anyone?
Sounds like a bit of a control issue to me. You aren't allowed to have a life, you must be all wrapped up in him. You must sit home and isolate....didn't you know that?
You go girl!! Take care of you. Take a night out when you need it, have fun.
Christy..
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes, it makes sense to me. You can choose to not listen to the words he says to you. Have you checked out agencies to help you with child support or what other needs you need now. It sounds like you have alot of responsibility with 4 kids. You also have the choice to not tell him where you are or what you do. We set boundaries for us. Working the alanon program will sure help you too and help make you a stronger healthier person. Have you been to a face to face group yet? It is nice meeting you allison :) Keep on posting. cdb xoxoxoxoxo
Together or apart, you are entitled to have a life that does not have to revolve around your A or his issues. Independence is what everyone needs a bit of in a relationship to be healthy. The fact that you are currently separated makes it even more important that you have your own life.
My A and i are still together. I won't let him change me though. I'll go golfing with my friends, or out for a get together, have a couple drinks if I like or not. It's my choice. I don't have to live his issues for myself to "support" him. To me, supporting him means making him stand on his own two feet and being personally responsible for his actions. Hopefully those actions become better and better choices that he makes, and results in the self respect and esteem he deserves from them.
We can love them, but we don't have to baby them or play their games IMHO....
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
Hi, I find it pretty hard to decide things on the level of whether or not there is a "double standard." Instead, it has helped me to not buy into what others say about me, as hard as that is. It sounds as if you need to take good care of yourself and your kids right now, and you have the support of all of us to do that. The program offers real solutions to learning to take care of ourselves. Before I got to Alanon, I didn't have a clue. I've learned that when I buy into what others say to me, a part of me believes it's true, too. So it doesn't have much to do with the accuser. But all of this is easier said than done, as we all know. Peace and blessings to you. mebjk
Oh, I so agree with the mejbk said! We need to remember to get our minds back on what the important things really are! Ourselves and our kids. Ty mejbk, I needed to hear this too. cdb :)
I am about to become single once again. We have four children. I really relate to this. I am done with him. I forgive him for the things he has done. I forgive myself as well. I have a right, to go out and have a great time without my kids. I think single mothers need some "walk away" time. We become resentful if we don't.
My husband doesn't want me to go out or anything when we seperate. I will do as I please though. I will do what I need to do to take care of me. Take care of my kids. If he finds out about it, and it won't be from me calling him up to tell him.....then, that is fine. It just so happens to be none of his business. Pretty little court papers will make that clear to him.
I am sorry you are under so much pressure. You are coming to the right place for help.
I can relate my a does not want me to be involved with many people outside the relationship. He can't really control the online stuff. He will still bring up men I work with from time to time. I no longer really engage with him when he is being controlling.
I can relate very much to your resentment. I know the A's lack of responsibility has affected me tremendously. Lately I have focused on taking care of me and that has halped immensiely.
It doesn't have to be one or the other. You could love him, and still go out on your own, ya know have some kind of life. This is your choice. He could learn he can't control you, or not. What he does is his choice.
