Partner skipping AA. Advice greatly appreciated. - Al-Anon Family Group

Struggling · Newbie

Partner skipping AA. Advice greatly appreciated.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Struggling....if your daughter told you she was with someone who was drinking, lying, manipulating, what would you tell her?????

as for you....how about some meetings, 12 steps work and literature reading/study with a good sponsor and slogan practice....HE is not your problem or your business or your realm of control, so we encourage folks to work their program and let the other go to their own devices...there is NOTHING you can do to make him be and stay sober....as to your staying home and he doesn' need program??? that is BALONEY....a manipulation and you know better, I think, from your post......I urge you to get into meetings...as many meets as there are days for quite a while.......we have them here if you can't go to face2face ones....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Welcome to MIP. I certainly understand all that you are writing. This is how the disease often operates in one who isn't serious about living a sober life. That is that person's business. We didn't cause, can't control and can't cure the disease whether we ignore it, hope it'll go away on its own, stand on our heads or drink ourselves.

What we can do besides admitting to ourselves that we truly are powerless over our loved one and their disease is to attend Al-Anon meetings ourselves. This disease affects us, too, in ways that oftentimes we can't even see - we're so focused on the person who is drinking or drugging. Attendance for ourselves at Al-Anon meetings, reading Conference Approved Literature, finding a sponsor, and immersing ourselves in the Al-Anon program and its fellowship helps us find peace even if our loved one keeps drinking.

Glad you're here. Keep coming back even when you attend Al-Anon meetings, too.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Welcome Stuggling!

I'm glad you are here sharing and wanting some suggestions, we don't give advice but we do give our own experience, strength & hope:)

I joined Al-Anon, Al-Anon is for friend & families of alcoholics...we can not help them, but we can help ourselves:) I would like to encourage you to find local Al-Anon meetings in your area, you will find all that you need there, you will be able to get the literature we read daily, learn about the disease of alcoholism & the 12 steps:) Living with an alcoholic is to much for most of us & our thinking becomes distorted without even realizing it...we lose ourselves because we are more worried about fixing them...We didn't cause it, We can not control it, We can not cure it:) this disease is a made of lies....Take care of you! Welcome to Al-Anon:)

Prayers to you

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs .. I agree meetings for you and let him do what he's going to do. I wish someone had asked me or I would ask myself going forward. If I knew nothing was going to change am I willing to accept my partner/stbax in my case where he's at in the disease. Can I love/respect him enough to let him be in his disease? especially if I knew nothing was going to change. Its something to think about .. no decisions need to be made today. I wish I understood the disease better many years ago. Hugs and glad you are here s :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board Struggling...glad you found us and asking you to keep coming back as this MIP Family is a wealth of experience strength and hope. Manipulation, lying, cheating, stealing, etc are all normal in the disease of alcoholism. That's all about fear..he's afraid doesn't know what he is afraid of other than meeting new people and listening to new ideas and perspectives about how to live alcohol free and then get sober. Sober isn't just about being dry. If he was drinking for 9 years before you met hes got a good head start on you living in the insanity of alcoholism. This is a fulfledged disease of compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body...it cannot be cured; only arrested by total abstinence...You didn't CAUSE it, You cannot CONTROL it, You will not CURE it. It is not a moral issue...its a disease which progresses into insanity and/or death if the alcoholic will not get sober. He's telling you that he "won't" get sober and the next decision is yours. The suggestion of getting into the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings saved my life. My alcoholic/addict wife, lied, cheated, stole, lived infidelity, had trouble with the police, public and everything else. I couldn't fix her. I couldn't teach her how to drink normal because I didn't drink normal myself and so Al-Anon...Al-Anon...Al-Anon. When I first got to the program they suggested that I do 90 meetings in 90 days which I did and which was easy because we have over 439 meetings a month combined AA/Al-Anon within a 20 mile residence of my town. They said if after 90 days I found that the program wasn't for me that I could try anything else and they would gladly refund my miseries...That nauseated me just thinking of it and I never have left. If you've made the decision to have an alcoholic in your life as a partner and also the father of the children and such...(doesn't sound very good huh)? I suggest Al-Anon as quickly as you can get there. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book and you can find out where and when we get together in your are from that. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, what I did was realize his disease is none of my business. Meetings, drinking whatever is his chioce.

My choice is to love him as is and learn al anon skills to be as happy as I can with him or her.

Keep hitting my head into the brick wall keep it the same.

Or end the relationship.

They are terribly sick. Being an addict is not a choice, they are born with the dna that predisposes them to be one.

To get into their stuff is a total waste of time.

When learned to let go and let hp, and love my A no matter what, we had a more time together before he changed from brain damage. Brain surgery and wet brain.

Al Anon can help you so much. MIP Is a great place.

a great book, volume one, Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drew. welcome!! Debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you been getting to al-anon meetings? I hope you can take care of yourself and dive into your program and read some al-anon literature, it works for me everytime. I am sending you much love and support!

Struggling · Newbie

Thank you all for all of your support and advice. I haven't been to any al-anon meetings as yet but I did go to a family support day at his rehab center over a month ago when I found out there are support groups around for family to. I just keep trying to push on with things to keep a sence if normality but the strain of it all is really impacting me now and I felt I needed to reach out to people who know what is is like living with an alcoholic. I am hoping the current lying again is another hurdle we can get through but the deceat is getting to me and I am worried he isn't taking his recovery seriously enough and that the mood swings will return. I know I can't do anything to help his illness other than support him through it but I wish there was something that would make things feel comfortable and stable between us again, I don't like the feeling of not fully trusting the one I love, it doesn't feel rite and other than trying to carry on as 'normal' I don't know how else to deal with it. I would like to go to a support group but I feel nervous about going as I feel so overwhelmed at the moment. the close family and friends I have consoled in tell me to get out whilst I can but I love him so much, I just want things to work out, we'll just function again for the both of us as I love him so much. When we are happy we are so happy. I can deal with anything as long as I am not being lied to as it is making me wonder if I am just a crutch or a distraction for him and being used when he acts like this. I am so confused somethimes with the two sides to him. I just want to feel comfertable again and not worried all the time. Especially of what I may go back to if he relapses when I am away, I have comeback to some really scary situations before. I just wish I knew the worst if it was behind us. If he didn't lie to me I would be willing to believe so. I so want to. Being so strong for him is really wearing me down but I won't let that stop me from being there for him, even though I have been advised otherwise. I just feel at a 2 and 8 with it all. Sorry this turned into a ramble, all my worries just came flooding out. Has anyone got any tips of how to cope with day to day worries? I shall look into meetings and the book Debilyn surge stead also. Thank you again for all the above support. X

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Well....It's not even lying when he shows his sick thoughts to you right to your face in the form of "I don't need meetings when you are around because you are all the support I need." Right there, he is hanging his sobriety on you and then when you don't do something he wants, or he gets mad at you, he will relapse.

Alanon will be very helpful for you to learn tools to not fall into these traps. You can say whatever you think...you can say "i don't think you are going to meetings" or "It makes no sense to be depending on me to not drink rather than developing a strong AA program." You can say those things but then use alanon tools to detach from his response. Just because you say it, doesn't mean he will do what you want (iel, go to meetings and work a better program). You can't control him, but that doesn't mean you need to avoid the truth either. You don't need to dance around things and play games and do sleuthing work.

If it were me, I'd say those things in a way that was not mean, not out of spite, and walk away if you get a tantrum or more BS lies. I believe the saying is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." If you are left with unacceptable behavior after expressing yourself clearly..... At that point, you have a choice of whether you want to stick around for it or not.

flinn66 · Senior Member

Struggling

As others have said we don't give advice but I do urge you to try Al-Anon meetings. Living with alcoholism is more than most people can bear and Al-Anon gives the Experience, Strength and Hope of others dealing with this awful disease.

It took me a long time to get to my first meeting, I had been driven to the point of insanity myself, no longer knowing what was true and what was not. In those rooms as I learnt to listen I heard my 'own story' told time and time again, I was not alone - others had learnt to live with the disease and found that the tools that the fellowship offered gave them the ability to detach from the insanity of the disease.

I made all the mistakes I could - it took me a long time to see that the alcoholics business was none of my business. Tragic as it is to watch somebody you love tear themselves apart, lose jobs, lose friends, lose contact with family there was nothing I could do, his drinking and his web of deceit were of his own volition and not of my making.

If you decide for now that you want this relationship to survive nobody here will tell you to do otherwise, but I will urge you to get help for yourself. Living with active alcoholism is a roller- coaster of emotion and it is so important that you look after yourself whatever you decide

Sending Hugs

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Struggling,

The first time my AW came out of rehab last year, she was adamant about meetings, but after a few months it changed, and she stopped going. Once she stopped going, I got a little pushy about it, but didn't realize really how important it is that she keep attending meetings. I finally went to a meeting of a Christian alcoholics group, can't remember the name right now, and I followed their advice and let go of attempting to control her. A few days later she got a DUI.

She was arrested, in jail a couple days, went on probation. She then got drunk the evening after she met her probation officer. I forgot all about detachment, got pushy with her a lot about finding bottles, etc, but she got drunk wherever and whenever she wanted, and the more angry and insistent I got, the more she got drunk!

I even got to the point where I bought her a bottle of wine when we were on vacation, figuring I couldn't control her drinking so what the heck! What kind of messed up insanity was I participating in?

She finally got arrested for her second DUI while I was on a business trip. She lost her job, was in jail without bond for 10 days, went straight to rehab from there.

She just came out of rehab #2. She has been going to lots of meetings - crazy Midwestern winter weather permitting - and making good progress.

But the big difference this time is that I have committed to Alanon. Her second inpatient center was big on making sure the family got educated and got pushed towards Alanon. So when I found a box of wine in the garage that I was pretty certain was leftover from pre-rehab, I didn't go off with all guns blazing yelling at her that I found another bottle. I calmly asked her what she would like for me to do with it. She freaked a little and said she didn't know, so I emptied it down the sink and threw it away and reassured her that I wasn't mad about it. No big scene, I got what I needed, and she didn't get shamed for something over which she had no control.

And we have agreed to some strong boundaries in case she has a relapse.

So, I encourage you to go to Alanon. The only way you can help your ABF is by taking care of yourself. I know it doesn't make sense at first, but that is why I shared above, and you will find more people at these meetings that have common experience with you and aren't going to judge you for going somewhere they already have been.

Peace
Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.