The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is parts taken from the book how alanon works for families and friends of alcoholics (pg 83-84)
Personal Boundaries
Al-anon recovery is about reclaiming our own lives. Many of us find it difficult even to begin this self-focused process because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others, especially the alcoholic. Having interceded for so long on the alcoholic's behalf, constantly reacting, worrying, pleasing, covering up, smoothing over, or bailing them out of trouble, we have often taken upon our shoulders responsibilities that don't rightfully belong to us. We lose sense of where we leave off and the alcoholic begins. We have become so enmeshed with another person's life and problems that we have lost the knowledge that we separate individuals. When asked about ourselves, we often respond by talking about the alcoholic. We perceive ourselves to be so connected that, if something happens to the alcoholic, it seems only right, only natural, for us to respond.
Many of us even confuse this absense of personal boundaries with love and caring. For ex: from the moment the alcoholic goes out the door, we sit, immobilized, unable to do anything but think obsessively about him or her. We lose the ability to distinguish between the alcoholic and ourselves until the alcoholic's past, current, and potential actions become our sole focus. This is not love;it's obsession. When we cease to live our own lives because we are so preoccupied with the lives of others, our behavior is motivated by fear. Not only is it harmful to a relationship to hover anxiously or suspiciously over a loved one night and day, its also extremely self-destructive. Likewise, when we cancel our own plans and stay home because we fear that the alcoholic will drink if left alone, we may protest that we act out of loving self-sacrifice for the sake of the alcoholic.More likely, its an effort to feel that we have some power over ther drinking. The choice to abandon our own plans for such a purpose is an act of fear, not an act of love. Cancelling plans and staying home to avoid consequences of "defying" the alcoholic is another form of self-abandonment and has nothing to do with love.
Genuine, healthy love isnt self-destructive. It doesn't diminish us or strip us of our identities, nor does it in any way diminish those we love. Love is nourishing; it allows us to be more fully ourselves. The enmeshment that characterizes an alcoholic relationship does just the opposite.
im ashamed to say all of the above is me and my relatioship with the a. pure obsession and unhealthy. can anyone else relate?????
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I sure can relate! I finally got over the unhealthiness with my A daughter and now HP has me working on the unhealthy relationship in my marriage. It seems to be fear based although I am just confronting that reality and coming out of denial. It still amazes me how our posts came on the board about the same time and what you put related to the ESH I was seeking! This post and the other really spoke to me now! Thanks for posting it. I think your HP and my HP Must have had a plan :) LOL Prayers still going out for you! your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxo
I'm really grappling with this one, not only with my a daughter, but with my other daughter who has severe learning disorders and with my two granddaughters who have autistic spectrum/ADD disorders as well. I've lost me and completely exhausted myself trying to 'save' everyone. I can't do it anymore and don't want to, but in my free time all I can think of is errands, chores, and other forms of 'work'. Taking care of me feels as though we will all go down with the ship. I'm making plans to move and am talking with everyone about moving apart, and I'm hoping that living separately will alleviate some of my feelings of impending doom. (Actually, those aren't completely unrealistic feelings in this situation -- they do always seem to have some sort of drama or crisis going on and since I live here too I am affected.) Will I be able to successfully make the shift to focusing on myself and taking better care of myself? Or will I devote any extra time gained to my job and become a workaholic (again)? Only time will tell.
Thank you so much for sharing that piece on personal boundaries, notsonew. I appreciate your posts because you help us stick to the program. Of course we are all full of our disease, but so often we come here to vent and we don't share our experience, strength, and hope. I find that you do. Thanks for being here! Blessings to you! mebjk
Been there done that too.. BUT..through working the steps and "becoming" I can now see what WAS and the reality of what IS.
The one most amazing thing Alanon has brought me is the idea of "choice". Why it didn't occur to me before is beyond me. I previously assumed that my upbringing and my marriage(s) were what made me who I am. Fast forward to Alanon thinking. I can "choose" to be who I want to be. I am not the sum of my past. I have chosen to get off the pity pot and and move forward. I had to discover me through Alanon. I got lost in the fixing, the saving, and the never ending attempts to make everyone conform to my picture of what my life should be. If they could just see and do things my way all would be fine. Boy, am I glad I left that behind!! How frustrating!!!
Today, I live for me. I do things that make me happy. I busy myself with people and things that I enjoy. I connect with my HP in a new way. I don't pray for things to be done MY way. I pray that I may do what is best and right of things put before me.
No longetr do I sit home and feel sorry for myself while my A is off at the bar. I used to think "there is nothing to do, nowhere to go". Now, I create things. I take a chance here and there. Tonight a friend invited me to a hockey game. I don't dislike hockey but I don't know too much about it either. Hey! Why not?? I can spend time with my friend and possibly learn to like hockey..lol It doesn't really matter if I like it or not, I know I will be grateful for the experience. Before Alanon I would have turned the offer down. Why sit and freeze my butt off to watch a game I don't understand?
That is no longer my attitude or outlook. I find myself saying "why not"? Alot lately. Step outside the box, girl!!
Once I had a changed attitude, the giftand gates of "getting busy" flooded open. I managed to stay home one night this week! Quite a change from never doing anything and feeling like I had to stay here for others. This week I had dinner with an Alanon buddy, dinner and a meeting with another, my regular f2f meetings(two), several hour weekly meeting with my sponsor, and an evening of quality time with my daughter and grandson. During the day I have went shopping (for me), taken new puppy to get his shots, babysat my grandbaby, went to a park I've never been to for a walk, started on crocheting skull caps for kids in my son's band, attempted to go running with my son (didn't do so well there..lol)the list goes on and on. On the 31st, Louie and I start a 6 week course in obedience training classes.
So I'm running around doing all this stuff and my A doesn't even know I'm gone half the time..lol He's passed out or 3 sheets in the wind. Am I upset over that? No, I just wish I would have found me sooner and recognized that I can form my own life. It's not about what I feel others do/did to me or the position I feel they put me in.... But then, I was always right where I was supposed to be. Thank HP I finally made it here and can for the first time, live in the now!!
I used to identify with the Erma Bombeck quote: If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I living in the pits? I now know the answer to that question. It's because I chose to live there.
I've also discovered that I had a lifetime of "feelings" to deal with. My awakening has been that many of these were all just my perception, not necessarily what "was" or "is". Sheesh, I'm blabbering, I didn't intend on writing a book..lol Hey! now that's something I haven't tried!! (he-he)
There's always option, always choices..we just have to go for it and step outside the comfort zone.
Love Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
NSN: Overinvolved is my middle name. I was hopelessly overinvolved with my boyfriend on many many levels and riddled with resentment about his actions. Taking a step back and focusing on me is continous discipline. The first night I was here I managed to do a 1,2,3 about his being out drinking and using and driving. I no longer obsess about him getting a ticket. If he does he has to deal with it I have made that very very clear.
I was trained to be over involved as a child because I had such a role reversal with my parents.
Of course it was not just my boyfriend who I was overinvolved with. I can also get hopelessly over involved at work. Being part of is such a huge issue for me and I tend to over attach.
Letting go has been very difficult but it has also been very freeing. I no longer feel like I am totally toxic with resentment. I also feel like I can have the time and emotional space to focus on me and lo and behold my whole life does not revolve around other people so much any more.
Boundaries are a big issue for me thanks for sharing on it.
