The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
these are parts taken from the book how al-anon works for families and friends of alcoholics (pg 84-86)
Detachment
Detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people. If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather then our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. We can use it to see the alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words, or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally then we would take the flu symptoms.It is the disease rather then the individual that's responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of a person with a cold, we will no longer have to take those effects to heart.
Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In time it becomes easier to discern whether alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior.We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the trouble-alcoholism. By naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it at all. Instead by taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "that's just alcoholism." and let it go.
Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need support or perspective that only a sponsor or an al-anon member can provide.A call or a meeting could be just what we need to help us separate from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being.
At first, we might not detach very gracefully. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. Establishing personal boundaries isn't the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful then the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.
Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease, yet step back from the disease in order to find love for the alcoholic.For some of us, this love was apparant all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcholics we have known.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Thanks for this post and the timing of it too! It answered some things from my post that I just did here. This has so much perspective in it! And the reaching out to friends touched me as you are such a good friend to me :) I am still saying prayers for you and it is great to see you reading and sharing on such and important, powerful tool for we alanoners. I hope you can sleep tonight and that you find some serenity during this stressful time for you. I admire the boundaries you stand by too. You have come a long way! (((((((nsn)))) cdb xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you for this. I think I grasp onto the "we" so much and really feel abandoned in the "i". Of course the A being manipulative focused on the "we" when it suits him and the separateness to punish me. I have to remind myself that he took a long long time to be so skilled with manipulation he has to want to give it up.
These days I try to focus on the "we" of my program and not the "we" of my relationship since there is not much of a relationship to feel "we" about.
I can focus on connecting with others and not him because his method of connecting is generally very manipulative. He is certainly very very skilled at manipulating as are most addicts.
Detaching to me is an art. I have to detach in so many areas, in my program, in my personal life in my relationship and in my work and also in my job hunt (I am currently looking for another job). For me the detaching goes along with developing a way of being responsible for me only not the whole world.
