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I'm finally ready (after a mixture of procrastination and trouble with letting go) to work my fourth step.
As a lot of you already know I'm a double winner and also ACoA, so this is going to get a little complicated for me. I don't have any illusions about never having to do this again, but I also want to be as thorough my first time around as I can; it's important for me not to gloss things over here or kid myself. As many flaws as I've got that I'm not yet aware of (I'm sure there are some) I've got a list as long as my arm that I am very much aware of and that I don't like acknowledging or talking about. There are even a couple that I have never acknowledged at all. I've been treated badly by the world sometimes, and I suppose I feel like I deserve to have these faults somehow. The trouble is, they mostly hurt me...
OK -- off on a weird tangent there, sorry -- what I am actually posting is to ask if there is any literature specifically dealing with doing stepwork (4th in particular I guess) from an Al-Anon perspective. I have the AA 12&12, the 12 steps for Adult Children (which has not arrived here yet), and looking for a third source for info.
JOHN_____I've been treated badly by the world sometimes, and I suppose I feel like I deserve to have these faults somehow. The trouble is, they mostly hurt me...
ROSIE____oh U said exactly my feelings....but ya know??? the best way for me to get revenge on the darkness IS to work my program and love me no matter WHAT....working the step 4 showd me a lot of horrible fears/ shortcommings, etc....and yeah, my perp's name is all over them....but guess what.....the SOLUTION has MY name on it....it took me a long time to get over the "life owes me" thing..........hugs/ rosie
Blueprints for Progress - Al-anon's fouth step inventory
Paths To Recovery - Al-non's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. Has a good Chapter on 4th Step work.
The 4th step always seems to be dreaded. In it though, you may find some great assets that have gotten out of balance and become defects. The fouth step is not meant to dwell on all our faults, we also get to discover our good qualities. "An Inventory is not just our faults; we must also assess our positive traits and accomplishments." Paths to Recovery pg 48
This is a step of discovery and honesty is the key. Doing this step more than once is normal. We learn something each time. I think it is because we get better at self honesty. It's a process.
Just remember this isn't searching for all the negatives, we are searching out and getting rid of things we no longer need. In the end you will probably find certian factors that are at the root of several behaviors, say fear for example. It is an enlightening step.
The thing that people sometimes do with step 4 is to forget that it is also about our assets/good points. Those too can be a very long list if we dig and concentrate on that too. The assets are what helped me to get through step 4 for me. I remember a long time ago someone coming into chat very depressed from concentrating on all their shortcomings because they didn't have the appropriate literature to know it is not all about our bad points. Enjoy doing step 4 and try to Keep it Simple. It is a very freeing step. cdb :)
With this particular step it is highly advised to do with a sponsor (which I hope you have). Mine has been just wonderful in guiding me through and explaining it. I could have done it alone, but my results would have been much, much different and not as thorough.
It's not really a step to fear. There is really nothing we don't know about ourselves deep down. Step 4 helps you acknowledge the "why's" of the isms (good and bad). You may have a few Ah-ha moments, but it is just understanding and recognition. Feel, deal and heal :)
The best part is then being able to do something with the realizations you've discovered. For instance..I rarely mention the crappy things my A does. It's just not part of who I am anymore. It sure used to be though!! I
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think there are advantages to knowing you have ACOA traits. You can see the link between your childhood and the way you present in adult relationships. Then there is forgiveness. I think without the knowledge of your childhood traits that we can get lost somewhere. The relationships I had when I was a child I cannot really view as something I had that that much control over after all I was a child. When I was an adolescent my parents did a lot of stuff to sabatage my growth and social skills. I bring that to mind when I am doing a 4th step on difficulties I have in relating and in socializing and in being an adult.
I think there can be definite advantages to knowing you have acoa traits. I look at my relationships very very differently the more I can own about my childhood the more compassionate in some ways I can be about myself and the other parties in my life. That does not mean I justify or somehow minimize relationships that are somehow dysfunctional. After all part of doing a 4th step is owning that I have issues and do not want to collect anymore.
There is the Blueprints to for Progress, and Pathways to Recovery. The Blueprints is a little more indepth than Pathways. Both are good sources though...and don't forget your sponsor!!!
SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
