The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i keep wondering if my dad caves in and goes to rehab if it is worth his time and their's as well. he doesn't want to quit drinking, doesn't have a problem, can stop whenever he wants to,...ect. i know rehab won't work unless he wants it. i think he would go just to have contact with my bro, sis,and i. i see him going through the process and then getting out and going back to his old ways.
i keep trying to go through it in my mind so that i can be prepared. i know it will never happen. for my dad, i feel like he is out of control and is too far gone. i feel like there is nowhere for him to go.
i feel bad for him. he is my dad. i love him, but he will never understand that i love him soooo much that i can't watch him kill himself. i try to think about the good times, my childhood, and remembering that i couldn't have asked for a better dad (well, minus the past 10yrs). so i thank god for that. i just wish things could have been different. our family had so much potential.
try not to take on board all of your dads problems hun...
it wont work... you will only end up with stress, more stress and ..yep you guessed it..STRESS!!!!
I TRIED TO TAKE MY BOYF. TROUBLES ON BOARD by helping him pay his bills, reminding him to go places, running after him..doing everything in my power to stop him hurting... kept telling him how much i loved him, hw proud i was of him etc... it never did any good.
he is only 24 and he has been in over 18 rehabs.... none worked. the longest time he was clean and sober was when he was with me... but then it all came crashing down around me when his scumbag buddies came back on the scene. i lost the best boyf. i had ever had. the only guy that i love with all my heart and soul.
flint... it doesnt matter how much you love someone..be it your mother, father, boyf. husband etc... if they dont WANT TO GET HELP...BADLY ENOUGH... then there is no hope. you can only be strong for yourself....
...if you get a chance will you please read a post a wrote on the sunday after my 1st visit to rehab at "family day"...my post is entitled "Sudden Realisation".... you will see how much i have grown since that day..that was posted not long ago....
stay strong flint.. i will pray for you.... it does get better..even if it is just a little at a time...
I like to try to live One Day at a Time. There is no use obsessing over what would happen if my A would happen to attend rehab because it isn't happening today.
Looks like you did a mini gratitude list there. That was cool.
Your family still has alot of potential. You, your sis, and your bro. right now it appears alot of that potential and energy is being wasted focusing on something that won't change for the time being.
What can you do for you?
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My dad was also alcoholic. how i hated it! it didn't change how I loved him, though. It also didn't change my pride in him. He was kind to everyone. He was so funny, smart, and completely admirable. Except for the drinking. Can anyone say elephant in the living room? But in our small town, really, he was hugely admired for his fine qualities. There are NO secrets in a small town. I just hated the alcoholic part of him. It's complex. I can't imagine a finer man. I strive to live like him if I strip away the drinking. It helps me understand some of alanon's ways if I filter it through my love for my Dad. ---Jill
Well there are many many A's who do get to recovery. I try to make it one day at a time. My sister who has been an A for many years is not in recovery neither is my boyfriend but they could get there. The issue is that it won't be because I MADE them it will be because they want to. I used to think I could MAKE my sister see certain things as I did with my boyfriend. I now know that does not work.
I grieve daily what the addiction(s) cost my boyfriend but I do not confuse his life with my own. There are many areas of my life he is not involved in. I try to focus on that. I also try to focus on ways I can detach from him and his self destructivenss and not to take his behavior personally which is certainly an art.
Many many people get into recovery at different times in their life. I have certainly been long long over due in joining al-anon and I am here. That is a testament to it does happen sometimes.
I can definitely understand it is very hard to keep a balance of what is good about your dad and what is destroying him. I think that a lot about my boyfriend who is the A. Somedays it is very hard to keep track of the good. I move more and more each day into detachment about my part in his addiciton because of course he was an addict before I ever met him. Most addicts have those traits before they start drinking, the drinking is indeed just one part of the behavior because if they are not drinking they can be in what's called a dry drunk if they do not take their recovery seriously. I can have very similar issues around obsessing, controlling, manipulating and more. I have to work my own program regardless of what the A does for me, not for him to get sober, for me.
I agree with what others have said - keep it about you, set boundaries on what you will accept not on what others must do, etc.
One thing though. My husband went to rehab because it was a condition of keeping his job. He was very tempted just to blow it off, lose the job who cares. A couple of things happened in the days while he was waiting for it to start that I think made him take a bit of notice (stupid mistakes made while drunk that ended up hurting helpless and innocent victims - he has never been a cruel man). Anyway, he decided to give it a try. The last thing he said before leaving was "I'm not going to join AA or anything like that though, I'll just go up there and see what they have to say". He phoned me three days later, sounding so lost and frail - he had had a spiritual experience, come face to face with the reality of his addiction, and fully and completely accepted step one. I would have bet a million bucks that such a thing would never happen, but it did. He is now two months away from three years clean and sober. It has not all been roses, but recovery is possible, miracles do happen.
