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Things are getting much, much worse for me now. I had a HUGE argument with my husband (my A) on Wednesday night. I told him for the thousandth time I was tired of his drinking, he called me a bitch and I told him I would rather be a bitch than an alcoholic. I thought that giant argument might wake him up to this pathetic situation and when I got home last night, he would be sober. I've had that dream before so I don't know why now it would be different, but I live on hope lately. Yesterday, when I came home from work, the A was no where to be found. Of course I drove past all of his bars and found his truck at his favorite one across town. I did some errands and dropped my son off at his dad's house and drove past the bar again. His truck was still there. By this time, it was 7:30pm. I decided to go in and see what was going on. There he was sitting at the bar, having himself a good time. He was sloppy drunk and I mean SLOPPY. I didn't make a scene. I calmly told him that we were through, I was filing for divorce and if he wants to drink without having to answer to anyone, then being single was his option. He told me that he didn't want a divorce. Everyone in the bar was watching us, but I don't think they could hear us. I know when I walked in they were all thinking, "here comes the bitch. Brian is such a nice guy and she won't just give him a break". I saw one old,woman-hating drunk desperately trying to listen in. I'm quite sure my A was telling everyone what a bitch I am and how I wreck his fun. Right before I was finished talking to him, I calmly told him I was seeing someone else. That wasn't even true, but I wanted to hurt him so bad, the way he's hurt me. I want him to hurt so bad he can't sleep or eat. Anyway, my A has been laid off of work for a month now. I'm wondering if he was fired and doesn't want to tell me. He was only supposed to be laid off for a couple weeks at the most. To continue my story, I went to the bathroom and when I came back out, my A was out the door. Some stupid drunk said "he left and he could barely walk". My A got into his truck and drove home like that! I was walking out of the bar when he was driving off. I started to cross the street and he almost hit me. I wished that he would have hit me. I called the police and told them that there was a drunk driver. I don't know why I did that, except I wanted him caught and thrown into the drunk tank for a few days so he could think about what he's been doing.
Anyway, when my A was first laid off, he was handling it okay. Now he gets up at 10 or 11am. He starts drinking right away. I think he goes to the bar around 1pm and is coming home later and later every day. He doesn't eat anything all day. He just drinks and drinks.
One thing I really want to know is that he is hurting. I want him to hurt so damn bad. I wish he knew what it felt like to cry himself to sleep, to wake up during the night crying, and to have a knot in his stomach all the time. I'm sitting here now crying. I can barely do my job even. I find myself doing things to get even with him. I don't know why I do that. I've tried everything; bitching, screaming, laughing it off, trying to be more of a drunk myself, etc. Nothing works.
I can't live like this anymore. I made my first contact with Al-Anon yesterday and I'm going to start my first meeting next week. I am also calling a lawyer today to file for divorce. My sadness and regret for marrying another alcoholic are overwhelming me. I think my A is going to have to hit rock bottom before he does anything about it, but by that time, hopefully I won't care anymore. I want to shut my mind off and stop crying...
Sorry for the incredibly long message, but this is all I have right now.
Sorry to hear that things have come down to this for you. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing calling the police. Someone not lucid with a murder weapon in their hands is not to be ignored...in this case it was a car, but is it really any better than an automatic weapon aimed at a bus load of school children?
Only you can decide what is best for you in the end. You deserve a life of your own choosing, not one that is mandated upon you. Be strong and you will find your way, even though getting there may have it's difficulties.
On an aside - I wonder just how many people there are out there who live with an A who is the sole bread winner, and therefore have little choice but to stay (at least in their short term perspective).
I don't know if this was your case, but according to your latest situation, if it was, then even that is gone now apparently. Probably somewhere in your heart you already know what the right thing is to do for yourself. Though maybe you need to take the time to think everything through to the full end possibilities. Trust yourself - whatever feelings you have are often usually the right ones. Best wishes in geting to where you need to be in life!
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
Lindy: When I think things like the A tells all his friends I am responsible for his misery I am doing what they call projecting. That is I am projecting my feelings onto others. I have to take back those projections because I act on them in ways that is not necessarily healthy for me.
The more I take them back the more I can work on the ways I have to take care of me no matter what the A is doing. I no longer obsess about him the way I once did. Does he bother me certainly but not to the point where I am obsessed. Am I concerned his self destructive behavior may kill him. Certainly but I no longer think I can influence him very much.
I focus on taking care of me. I hope you can take time to take care of Lindy. Rest, practice breathing it is very hard to walk around with a knot in your stomach. Take your mind off the A's craziness for a minute and take care of you. What do you need right now. Do you have suppport, start coming into the room and getting it. Get people you can check in with. Create some emotional space for yourself. Take it slowly. Don't make decisions based on your resentments. Give yourself some time and space and take a step back and don't allow yourself to be just a ball of reaction.
