The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi everyone. once again i slipped in keeping my mouth shut. man i wish i could master this over night. today my a came home from work and he said after we get some groceries im gonna go watch the hockey game at my moms house. lately all he has been doing is going to her house and spending all his time with her. he says he feels bad for her because his little sister wont come home and he is scared if his mom gets depressed she will use pills again. sorry to sound like a kid but what about me? it seems like my a never wants to be here. and he has been raging so much lately. he hasnt gone to a meeting since sunday. and is smoking pot. i see the same cycle starting again. and i think i can accept that if he does relapse there's nothing i can do but tc of myself. anyways so i fought with him and screamed like i always do that im so fed up with him always running away and not caring about whats happening to him or us. im getting lonely. it seems like the only time he wants to be home is if he is gonna have sex. i know its wrong but i just turn him down all the time because why should i meet his needs sexually when he wont meet my emotional needs and spend quality time with me. i hate being second best to everything. im hate fighting everyday. i cant stand him freaking out all the time. why is he acting like that? if he drops something he just screams and throws stuff, what the hell is going on here. he didnt drink or use on a daily basis but could this still be withdrawl? i really hate how my sanity depends so much on what he is or isnt doing. i actually asked if he could come home after the second period because i couldnt sleep if he wasnt home and i have to work early in the morning. im ashamed i let him know that. i hate my addiction to him so much. any tips on how to just let him do his thing? i mean ive let go a little but not much, and i really want to enjoy myself and have trust in whatever hp has planned. i cant trust my a, i can only trust hp but i still cant let it all go completly over to hp, k i'll shut up im rambling and will surprised if your still reading this.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Hi, so glad you are here. Nothing you are feeling is abnormal, they are your feelings, they are real and you are allowed to have them. You doing the right thing, coming here, working on taking care of you. Progress not perfection, we did not end up here overnight and it won't change over night. (as much as we'd like it too)
Please be careful of your expectations, they all too often are breeding ground for resentment. Also, although pot may or may not have been your A's drug of choice, it is a drug nonetheless and with continued active use, nothing will change in your a's behavior. Which brings us back to why we are here, to take care of us... I know easier said than done.
As for the not being able to sleep thing, I also have had that happen, sometimes I leave the TV on low, put on the timer and fall asleep that way. You know, eventually you will fall asleep...
I can definitely hear the fear, chaos, resentment, anger, panic in your share. I can also understand. I am glad that you are coming to the rooms and sharing.
I hope the containing will help you. I know it helped me to go to the room and share how disappointed, fed up, worked up, lost, abandoned, angry I felt at the A. Then I started taking suggestions. A's seem to have a knack for going to others at different times. My A does it a lot. I don't take it for granted when he is home, he can just as easily be off all night some place else. He doesn't have that same commitment i had. I had tremendous corrosive resentment about it.
I have to work super hard on detaching Detachment is like a muscle you have to keep at it keep practicing and eventually it does kick in. Of course everything in me at first screamed he should be the one doing the work but I had to because I was about to explode again in the screaming raging maniac I can be. And then I am left a wreck. So while yes your A should do the work and isn't the fact is you are so affected by his behavior you will at some point have to take action to deal with the resentments and panic you feel and I am glad you are here because this is a very supportive place to do it. No one is going to judge you here.
Lowering expectations does help. My A is a champion procrastinator. He will do everything one of these days. No amount of pressuring from me gets him to do much. He doesn't do it. I accept that now. Don't like it, don't want to live with it but my beating myself up about it did not help either. I take that into account now. I ask him for not much. I do not get into sarcasm. I also try to monitor my resentment level every day. I can get toxic with that really quickly. I have to monitor too how much frustration I deal with in my life. Am I am at my frustration load.
I hope you are working on getting recovery partners. do you have people you can check in with daily who can hear you. Do you have people who ask you how you are? you need them. You will find them in these rooms. People care here. Send emails, reach out, look for partners you need them to help you work on these tremendously difficult issues.
I am glad that you are here and helping yourself. You deserve it.
Hi NSN it is okay to feel this way they are your feelings and at the moment you are feeling used. Try to put your boundaries back in place to look after you and if you have to set some new ones. Whilst he is busy running over to his Mom's do something you enjoy with friends. Show him that you also have a life that does not revolve around him. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo x
(((NSN)))) you are scared...duh! Who wouldn't be. You have every right to be loved for the wonderful person you are. Your grip is pretty tight right now - ask yourself what you have to gain by holding on so tightly? Your focus appears to be on what you are losing - and cut yourself a break I slip at least 10 times a day and I just get up and start over again! tc darlin Cyndee
((((((((((Nsn))))))))) Keep giving yourself credit for how far you have come :) It is sometimes hard to see but I still see alot of progress in you. Just like we have to work our program to make it work, so does the A. Recovery is action and maybe he has stopped his using but is not taking action to work his program. That is still his issue unfortunately. As a mom of a 25 and 21 year old, I know my place in their relationships. For my kids, their girlfriends/boyfriends come first, not me. Has he cut the apron strings? I want my kids to have a good healthy relationship with whoever they love and be a couple. I am responsible for my own happiness and if I do something it will be with them as a couple at times. I just wish your boyfriend could see this and his mom too. I don't blame you for wanting him home with you. Isn't that what a relationship is all about? I am just thinking out loud and giving you my experience as a mom. I can go out and find a support group and my own friends to do things with, which I do.
I can so relate to the rage thing and dropping things with cussing etc. My spouse has done that for years! He is not an A but a child of an alcoholic. He is so full of rage these days and I work really hard on detatching/ignoring that childish behavior. Sometimes I think he wants a rise out of me or for me to engage and I don't anymore. I myself, just am wondering lately if this is what I really want in my life anymore. After 27 years of hearing him cuss and fuss over just dropping an icecube, I wonder if I want to live anymore years of this. There may be someone out there where we can live a much calmer healthier life so why do we stick with the unhealthy person? I am asking myself this alot lately. Only each of us can decide what is best for us and who and how we want to live our lives. I, myself am tired of the chaos and the verbal abuse and rage.
It does go back to taking care of you. Try to keep the communication lines open if you can and maybe find the appropriate time to talk about this or get counseling. Just don't do what I did and let it go on for 27 years! (((((((((((Nsn))))))))) cdb xoxoxoxox
i found that the only way i could "detach myself from my a" was to totally break away from him. i cut all contact because i couldnt handle the pressure... he had made sooo many false and broken promises..im sick of always hoping or the best and then never being prepared for the worst.
i couldnt handle wondering where he was, who he was with, what slappers he was hanging out with, scared at what state he would come home in..if he came home at all. i couldnt cope with the "fear of not knowing". thats why the only way forward for me..out of this was to brea away... i couldnt detach otherwise... thats just my story.
...you have to look at yourself and find what makes you happy.... dont wonder how other people will look at you, what others will think.... do what makes you "SANE".. forget how your choices will affect the feelings of others... you have to take care of number 1..that being YOU!
