The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have you ever felt to embarrassed/afraid to share something that is bothering you because it seems too trivial? I feel this way a lot.
As some of you already know I am just beginning my recovery and I have to tell you most days I feel like I need a therapist. Since starting to really look at myself I am discovering a lot of things that I don’t like. I expected this not to be a walk in the park and I was right about that. My emotions are pretty much all over the board. I am beginning to see myself in true light and some of what I see I don’t like very much. But, you know what? I am just now realizing that I am FEELING feelings again. I have blocked out so much of what I have felt over my life that I think I actually reached a point of non-emotion. I think I reached a point where I just felt blankness about the chaos that was going on around me. I believe it was my survival skill for the moment. I now know that I don’t need it. It really didn’t work well for me anyway and it obviously isn’t a very healthy way to cope. Now that I AM feeling again I find myself a little bundle of raw emotion. I am no longer ignoring my feelings. Instead, I am addressing them and it feels a little strange.Did any of you feel this way in the beginning of your recovery?
I had this light bulb moment today. I was thinking about how I am now. Unsure, afraid, uncertain; to name a few. I used to think it was because I lived 10 years with an addict husband and that I BECAME this way because of him. HE turned me into this person. Well, for some reason today I finally came to the realization that he did nothing of the kind. I was already this way. For me this was one of those moments of awakening!
I have been frustrated in al anon because I have to face the fact that it IS about me. It isn’t about my husband's addiction making me this way. I was already this way. The addiction was a catalyst in getting me to al anon (that is a good thing!) and maybe it reinforced the behaviors I already had.
It's funny, now I don't really have conflicts with my A, but I do have them in almost all others areas of my life. I notice I am so very short tempered with my 4y/o. I want him to do exactly as I tell him to and I get really bent out of shape when my expectations are not met. I feel responsible for everyone. We are currently taking care of my sister-in-laws house and our nephew 5 days out of the week. I am getting myself worked up over making sure the house is spotless when she gets back, her son is doing well in school/at home/etc.. This sounds normal to some degree, but I am obsessing on it and am afraid she will have a complaint and you know how we want everyone to like us .....soooo I worry there will be a confrontation about something (and there never is by the way), but I have this bad habit that has lingered - waiting for the bomb to fall. Have any of you felt this way? Things really are going pretty well in my life, butI find myself anxious over the idea that something bad might happen....just when it is all going so well. Anyway, I am now rambling but it feels good just to get this stuff out of my head. Thanks!!!
There are things we can get out of shares that are to you trivial. For those who have things that seem too big to manage or deal with, your share could be the one 'small' thing that they can actually try to deal with that day. Your problem may relate to their problem, whether in the same scale or not.
I can honestly say that I get something out of all shares. Whether from AcoAs who haven't lived in an active situation, to someone who's A is in recovery and doing well for the past 30 years, to those who's A's 'aren't that bad' as well as those that border on calamity.
All that said, it's almost pointless information anyway. Share because you want or need to. The program is obviously working for you with all the realizations your coming to and these realizations are hardly trivial. They are getting you to the core essense of who you are, why are behave as you do.
I live for the lightbulb moments. For me when I find something that I don't like, so far I might be surprised. But the awareness is awesome. I can finally explain why I am how I am, or how I behave. I have new awareness. I'm only one step away from action.
Glad your here and shared this. :)
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Hello SAS , well if the truth were known I don't know anyone in recovery who hasn't felt that way. Key word for me is IN recovery , working this program not just givingit lip service. You have no idea the freedom you r about to find. In discovering ourselves again we find some good some not so good , but the good news is we can change and make amends for what we have done in the past.
Stick around and apply what your learning to your son , One day at a time I learned to NOT holler at my kids anymore , Just for today I made up my mind to enjoy my children not make them perfect and push them away because i was too busy. How important is it made a major difference in my life , most things aren't that important to anyone but me and this dumb fantacy i had in my head. I learend here that it was more important to be Loved than Right!
Just keep commin back get to as many meetings as you can and you will be the best mom u can be. Forgive yourself for past behavior and move on . Louise
Hi Sas, Wow, I can totally relate to your share! I too am fairly new and I always thought if only HE would stop drinking, our marriage would be good and then he stopped drinking and guess what? We still had marriage problems ... and then all of a sudden I too realized it wasn't him, it was me! The better he got, the sicker I got. I too had a hard time with being patience with my children - I was an isolator - I just wanted to go in my room - what a way to life! Now, I have friends in the program that truly help me and relate to me and I am beginning to see that as I work more on me, my marriage gets better and better.
Hi Sas: I have been working on over reacting and moving to a more middle place in my life. I think its hard to get to a place of realising I am up there on the ceiling. I think I have been in so much pain that pain was all I knew and there was no moderation in it. I could only think in all or nothing terms. Right now I am willing to do the best I can. And for me that is taking care of my physical health and emotional health, paying the bills, getting things done. I do not have to be superwoman any more to allow myself some slack. Rest is important for me too. I can get so caught up in my process I forget to rest and I need it because my life with an A or without an A is very stressful.
I try to make time to play and relax do you do that? What time is there for you? I can be so into trying to make things right for the A that I forget me. I can also obsess so much about what the A is doing/not doing I lose me in the process. His bill paying stuff being one of them because it does effect me.
I am glad that you are here and looking at your process. What a gift for yourself.
thank you so much for your share. For me, a big part of this program is my getting that it is about me, not about "them," whoever they are in my life. I think as alanon's we have often covered our insecurities by thinking we know everything and what is right for everyone else. And we also carry our own share of resentments.
So I think it was a big move for you to share, and I have learned from your share.
Thanks for being here, sas, and to the rest of you!
I can so relate! This program is wonderful! I did a moral inventory, and didn't like myself very much. When I started working on me, things got so much better!! I used to blame everything on his drinking, then discovered that if I changed my reaction to it, life was so much easier, and we both were much happier.
I believe the 'waiting for the bomb to fall' is also called 'walking on eggshells'. Believe me, I think most of us have been there!!
I think, as you work your program, you will learn to relax and love yourself. I believe that is one of the things that Al-anon is all about. Take care of you! Love TLC
Yes, I have often thought that it was no accident that I married the man I did. There were warning signs all over - I didn't realize that it was the drinking, but I did know that there was something seriously 'off' about the way he related to the world, and did it slow me down? Not a bit. I happily and eagerly did everything I could to tie myself to him good and tight. His sickness fit mine like a glove.
The problems you are experiencing with the "all other ares of your life" may just be that you are noticing this about yourself for the first time. You may have been doing this to some extent all along. That's the thing about enlightenment - once that light goes on, we see things by it!
Thank you all so much for your responses. I really learn alot from what others have to say. I AM getting braver about sharing and this was one of those moments that I didn't think about it I just spilled it. You know what? It was a relief to say what I was REALLY feeling, I learned from what others had to share regarding it, and I did not have to cover my face in embarrassment because what I have been told is really true "there are people who understand". It is always hard for me to take the first step, but I realize if I don't muster up the courage to do it I will stay right where I am. My HP is and has always given me much strength when I turned to Him. I have to remind myself "you don't ask you don't get" and a new one "you don't work it you won't get it". It was always hard to ask for help, but I need to remember I also have to do my part/my work. I am so grateful for all of your shares.
and it obviously isn’t a very healthy way to cope. Now that I AM feeling again I find myself a little bundle of raw emotion. I am no longer ignoring my feelings. Instead, I am addressing them and it feels a little strange.Did any of you feel this way in the beginning of your recovery?
Key word for me is IN recovery , working this program not just givingit lip service. You have no idea the freedom you r about to find. In discovering ourselves again we find some good some not so good , but the good news is we can change and make amends for what we have done in the past.