The material presented
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I am just getting so sick of this pattern of life I'm finding myself in. My husband who is an A that has never been to treatment and won't admit he has a problem, is laid off from work. It's been about a month. Here is the pattern we go through like clockwork. It's becoming very predictable. He goes for a while taking care of the house, maybe doing some cleaning and dishes. He does the dishes one time and expects an award. I've been doing them for two and a half years and worked full time, and he has never given me an award. I go ahead and give him the praise that he needs and things seem okay. After a day or two, he ends up in the bar and is there all afternoon. He comes home around 5 or 6 so he's not out all night, but I have to deal with his crap when he's home. He picks on my son (his stepson) and annoys the hell out of me. I am stuck in the middle of their non-stop bickering. He knows how to push my son's buttons and then my son does it right back to him. My seven year old son even says "you're acting like your dad", which he learned to say from me. We end up having a huge blow-up and I won't talk to him for days. I avoid coming home and try to stay away as much as possible. Then for awhile, he slows down on the drinking and I think that things are okay again, but it always starts up again and it always leads to a blow-up. This last one was a bit of a turning point. Here's what happened: our furnace has not been working for two days. We live in Minnesota so this can't go on for too much longer. Luckily, it's not as cold as it usually is here. My husband has been trying to fix it himself for two days. We are low on money because he isn't working right now. He won't call someone to just get an estimate of what it costs. He insists on trying to fix it himself. Yesterday he realized he can't fix it so instead he goes to the bar, drinks himself stupid and plays pull tabs. He had promised me a nice steak supper last night. He was going to make one of his "specialities". He "lost track of time" at the bar and didn't get home until I was getting home, which was around 6pm. Of course he lied to me at first, but then told the truth. We ended up sleeping in separate beds last night, which is okay because he probably peed the bed anyway. I'm just so sick of being let down by him and his promises which mean nothing. I want a divorce so bad, but financially can't get one. I just want freedom from alcoholics and their selfishness. Thanks for listening. It helps.
It sounds like you absolutely have your hands and your heart full.
I suggest based on my own experience that you stop basing your expectations and plans on what your husband says. In fact, eliminate any specific expectations that you have if you can, because expectations of others are very likely to lead to our own disappointment since those pesky loved ones of ours refuse to cooperate with our master plan and despite our best efforts do not let us to make their decisions and take the actions we think should be taken for them. Expectations are premeditated resentments, and none of us need any more resentments than we already have.
Instead of listening to his words, base your plans on what you know of your husband's previous actions-- if there have been a number of times he promised you a dinner and you went hungry, the next time he does the promising, YOU be the wiser and more realistic person and make sure for your own well being that there is food in the refrigerator for the family and time to fix it if/when he fails to come through. Then, rather than cooking angrily and being bitter that you are having to cook when he said he would or whatever, instead of looking at this as another failure of his, congratulate yourself and look at it as your personal victory for being prepared and being willing to gracefully accept reality! Work your program, sister!
I have been in your spot of feeling so angry and thinking "He should not tell me he is going to do things and then not do them," but the truth for me is that in expecting my alcoholic loved ones to do things they said they would do even though for years I have watched time and time again as they failed to do those promised things, I was assigning an unrealistic expectation to a sick person. My worst disappointments in life have resulted from expecting healthy behavior and sanity from unhealthy and insane people... and more importantly, my having those expectations repeatedly and then being repeatedly devastated when they were not met is the chief symptom of my own insanity.
The serenity prayer reminds me that there are some things I can control and some things I can't-- Acceptance is the tool I have in my workshop to use with other people and their decisions, and Courage is the tool I can use to make the changes in my own life and my own way of thinking that will better both my own life and my attitude toward the things that are beyond the scope of my control. I find that when I prepare to take care of myself and my own needs and responsibilities, and give myself what I need rather than trying to get it from someone else, I feel much better about my own circumstances and care less and less about what other people are saying or doing.
The next time he leaves for the bar, if the furnace is still not fixed, consider calling for a free estimate yourself instead of waiting on him to tell you it is ok to do so or waiting on him to fix it himself. Heat in January in Minnesota is a basic need, and you deserve at a minimum to have your basic needs met. Instead of relying on someone unreliable to meet those needs, take care of yourself like the precious child of God that you are and make this the first day in a lifetime of healthy self-reliance.
Lindy I am sorry you are going through this misery, and I know how hard it is when the A is drinking. It helps us to talk it out and get a hug ((((((((((((Lindy))))))))))). I'll keep you and your son...and your hubby too... in my positive thoughts and prayers. Meanwhile you take care of you and that precious boy of yours. Serenity for the two of you is what is most important.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
when i see myself in a "pattern" i do the following
make a list of ALL the things i "get out of this" what "benefits" or "trade offs" do i get
for instance when i was with my alkie ex sig. other LONG term fiance.....it was before recovery, but the precurser to recovery
i asked myself "WHAT is the trade off here?"" WHY am in IN this relationship????
the trade off was my financial fear that i could not do w/out his help....so i needed him.....cuz otherwise, WHY would i put up with an alkie, yelling at my dogs.....distancing me from my grown daughter (if i had a young one at home?? and subjecting him/her to that??? i pray i would have worked faster)
anyway, once i saw the "trade off" as to WHY i would live in this situation where i am 90% unhappy and maybe 10% ok, i figured......this is not worth it....so i addressed the financial fears..and yes, it was scary to get rid of him, but ooh the peace i got out of it....and the IMPROVEMENT of my situation, just getting RID of the BS, "no shows" and the "broken promises" and all the crap.........i mean i deserved BETTER....and my life was so much more **sane**..
i know no relationship is perfect, but a NON recovering alkie or druggie????? no way!!!! in fact i am really scared of folks with substance abuse problems AND i would stay away from sex addicts too.....its dangerous to me.......
if i can't find a "good ole" " al-anoner" or a "coda" or "acoa" who is working their program, with "liveable" shortcommings than to hell with it....i 'll stay alone with me and my dogs.....it just isn't WORTH it!!!!!
i don't tell people to stay/leave their alkies, but since i have been here, and working on me, i see that there are shortcommings that i can live with......THAN there are the shortcommings that i cannot live with....i guess i and my recovery are just too important to me.........
IF i were inclined to stay with the guy, i would take care of me........expect ZERO from him.....ACCEPT what he is/ is doing/ will do with no recovery.....and if i chose to stay with him, i would keep my OWN bank accounts, my own credit cards, my OWN car, make sure i had a permanent job, i would make sure i took care of MY stuff......and i would not enable the guy....let him suffer his consequences...........i guess i dont' want anyone enough to go through that crap.......all i did was marry and attach myself to alkies, and all i got was misery!!!! at this age ?? 59--- i want PEACE i want SERENITY all that drama crap i can do w/out
i have friends who get rid of their alkies with enuf reovery under their belts, and i have friends who stay....i don't tell anyone to stay/leave..it is not my business, but i have been there...done that......and the bottom line...no matter WHO i have in my life, i am taking care of me, making sure i can depend on me, making sure i am not in a situation where i "need someone" and as i recover, i become more able to take care of me.....sure i need help from others.....i am not 100% self sufficient...i need my HP...i need my family/friends.....and if they cant help me, i go elsewhere to get my needs met.....but bottom line??? i put my expectations BASED UPON past and present performance.....if they are UNreliable??? than i don't rely on them........i drop my expectations on folks that are not dependable.....i make sure i got "dinner covered" so when he stands me up AGAIN, i am not going to do w/out my food........
One thing we say in alanon is "nothing changes if nothing changes". If you see a pattern, you DO have the choice to break it. You can't affect what he does, but you have control over your own actions and reactions.
One change I made in my own life was to stop yelling. I realized that nothing I did made any difference to my husband - if he was drunk, he would end up yelling at me. However, once I stopped yelling back, there was a lot less ugly noise in the house. The kids were happier, and I felt less guilty on their behalf. Things got better, and it wasn't because of a change HE made, but one I made. This is the way our program works.
