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I've done everything I can for years to hold this family together. I believe in marriage, in sickness and in health. I waited years for him to get to where he is now which is finally be completely and totally serious about his sobriety. I thought with counceling and each of us working our own programs we'd discover new and exciting things. We always had so much fun together during his sober times, had so many future plans, we were best friends, we told each other everything.
(If you've read my prior posts-you'll know he relapsed in another state, ended up in the hospital, decided to stay there and do outpatient, etc etc etc) Now is living with another recovering A with the same amount of sobriety as himself and suddenly wants a divorce, doesn't want to come back, yadayadayada.
Anyway, he talks to me on the phone with no emotion, pure coldness, nothing like I've ever heard from him before. I don't know what to take from this. He only talks about how he can only live one day at a time, yet in the same sentence talks about divorce and how at some point he hopes to be able to see the kids. I don't understand it. I don't know where this coldness is coming from.
It sounds like someone else is speaking through his mouth. He tells me how he wants a divorce like he's ordering a cup of coffee. It just goes on and on and on. I can't even talk to him anymore. It is to upsetting. For me, I have better days and can think of myself as long as i don't hear from him. It's like he's trying to piss me off so that I'll be mad at him instead of being sad and missing him.
I'm to the point to where I know my life and my kids life would be better of if we never ever ever ever had to see him again. I feel as though it's the only way for me to let go of resentment and anger, because not having to see him, deal with him, talk to him, (for the kids to) we all seem to be just living, they do their things, are looking forward to baseball and football. They are fighting amongst themselves less, it's like him being gone has taken stress away from them to. I'm sure most of you will be like "OHMIGOD, those kids are going to be in bad shape, blah blah blah, but trust me, even before they knew what was going on, they didn't ask about him!" Maybe he didn't make that much impression on their lives anyway, that they are just happy with me and their grandparents. Even others have noticed how they can really care less that their dad is gone. You all might think it's weird, or wrong, but you'd have to see for yourself, I'm not lying.
Hi, I was reading your post and I had a flashback of a similar experience regarding the "coldness".
I couldn't understand where this frigid, emotionless attitude came from either with my A. It was like I was less to him than a total stranger; it baffled me. I believe that despite his denial of his drinking problem, he felt guilt and jealousy because life continued for me and the kids despite his self-induced misery.
Nonetheless, it still hurts, doesn't it? Focus on yourself and those children and continue to make yourselves a life. I am new here but it is comforting to know that you are not alone with this burden.
My a does much the same thing, every now and again he will dismiss our relationship like it is nothing and never was. I find that tremendously hurtful so I can understand your pain and anger and rage. I can also understand the grief at having given everything to a relationship and finding it dismissed. I think for me when I do leave the A there will still be grief and rage and disappointment. I think that I have that about a lot of relationships with friends and with family there is grief. At the same time I have to say in particular with being in al-anon I can recognize now much more quickly the limitations of some relationships.
I have changed my expectations a lot since I came into these rooms. I have also learned to honor my feelings by taking care of them that means a lot of the time not necessarily sharing them with him.
Hi, had a long post to you, then something weird happened. So if it comes up again you know how come i repeated myself.
First this is only my feelings from what you have told us. I can be wrong ok?
Your A relapsed away from home. Now he is where ever he was before sobriety. He is still very, very sick. Even if he is going to outpatient or what ever, he has to start all over again.
A's don't just relapse. There is a definite path to it. they go off their program of recovery, they are the only ones who can trace what made them take that first drink. He has a lot of work to do.
Just the fact he has commited adultery, abandoned his family, is neglecting his children tells me, he is still very sick. Plus from what i know AA recommends no new female relationships for over a year. Also they sure recommend not to get involved with another A. Seems too that when a person is developing a program, they want to be a better person and not dig a deeper hole.
There is no use for you or anyone to try to figure out what makes him cold or what made him do what he did or does. Remember we cannot rationalize insanity.
Going by what you said, this is truly a big change in his behavior. That is not normal.
If I were you, I would go ahead with my life and train myself not to think about him. Put him in hp's hands, pray that he finds himself and gets well. You cannot control it anyway. Know in your heart he has a long ways to go, and for all your sakes, if you can, keep your home going. I have seen this so many times, the A gets well and wants to come home.
How old are your kids? I forgot, sorry. I know from experience, my first husband died when myk kids were five and six. They were too young to understand. My son did not show the grief until he was in second grade. My daughter when she became a teenager.
My daughter still cannot really love without holding back and she is 30. I hope that having her baby will teach her about unconditional love.
So we never know when kids will go thru the stuff they don't understand now. I can still remember my mom telling us her and Daddy were separating. We were secon and third graders. My brother jumped out of the car and ran down the road. I felt instantly scared. It was when I lost my innocense, I now knew what loss was.
Was awful, and even now I am always scared my loved ones will leave me.
I am so sad you are going thru this. I almost wonder if your A is saying that becuz he needs to hear you say you won't give him a divorce.
Does not matter becuz we don't know for sure, but another scenerio is he feels so guilty, he feels so lost and ashamed, he does not feel he has a right to be your husband or the kids father anymore.
The thing is,nothing you say or do will make any difference for him. He has got to figure it out. If he gets clean and realizes he is strong and he wants you guys, he will fight for you. I don't feel an A in this position has anything to give anyone. He needs to get himself well.
I know my A had been gone 10 years. Got completely clean, had a great program going. He started coming to my house. i had been celibet for almost 18 years...
I did not know what he wanted. I sure did not feel that "feeling" for him. I was afraid he would touch me. But he came over almost every day.
He was house sitting at my friends so I went over there and was studying in the yard. I was going to college. He came and sat by me and next thing i know he is kissing me, or trying to. I jumped up grabbed my stuff and basically ran home. I prayed I would feel those feelings again.
sounds so dumb. lol He came over and apologized. We were fine for awhile again. I invited him up to my friends place up on a hill overlooking about 5 miles of beauty. We were under the stars and we kissed and stuff for a long time. It was so neat. But we waited until we got married for the rest.
What I am saying is after a long time, he grew up, got clean, worked a program, and fought to have me back in his life.
I have hope your A husband will get well and someday come home.
For now I hope you take care of you. Is it possible that you don't have to talk to him for awhile? ' I know for me it helps me to calm down and get stronger.
sending you lots of love,debilyn were under the stars. i had read somewhere
Don't be afraid to give yourself some time. You don't have to force yourself to make any decision right this very second. My sponsor told me when I first got here that I should wait a year before I make any serious life-altering decisions. That does not mean that I don't get to set boundaries. The fact that your children seem to feel better is an indication that they have already set some boundaries. Don't lead yourself to believe you are giving up on anything - just focus on you and let everything work itself out for once. I have to constantly remind myself to just "let go of the wheel". tc (((sdisnie)))
I believe you that your kids can care less about their dad being gone. I felt the same when my dad was no longer involved in my life (for different reasons than being an A) and I was happy with having my mom and my grandparents. The kids ARE better off without having that kind of crap infesting their lives. I really believe that divorce is often better than putting kids through constant fighting. The relief I felt when my mom divorced my dad was so wonderful. Marriage is not all it's cracked up to be in my eyes, unless it's the right person who can treat their family with respect. Marriage doesn't mean people have to deal with the crap that an A can put out. Anyway, I think the reason your A is calling so much because just like any other A, he wants control and to make others miserable because they are ALWAYS miserable. The whole world revolves around them and what they want. My husband is great when he's sober, but I can't stand him when he's drunk. Everything he ever talks about is how bad his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends were. I believed that crap for so long and now I see why he saw them that way. The also told him he was an alcoholic. Anyway, I feel bad for you, but your kids are soooo much better off. They are lucky to have you who cares about them and what they feel. I'm convinced A's can't care about anything but themselves. Good luck!
I can really understand the level of resentment and toxicity you are coming from. I have been at several points with the A where I just felt that his actions/reactions/consequences were unforgiveable.
For me my esh is that I have had to back way way off and detach and lower my expectations. That has helped a lot. In a magical world I would not have to deal with the a at all. Long term I think life with him will be very very difficult. Whether I stay with him or not right now I have to deal with him on a limited level and I prefer to do that with some tone of civility. One way I can do that is by detaching, not obsessing and working on my resentments. I do not try to add any more to the pile (there is enough there to deal with). I also worked really hard on lowering my expectations that affected the resentment quota a lot.
Whether i leave him or not I have to deal with the resentments if I let them get to toxicity I am hurting me and I am willing today to be responsible and responsive to that.
