The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read so many really moving stories on here that tell of so much difficulty with their a(s), when I really have nothing even close to compare or relate to. No DUIs, fights, leaving, coming back, job loss, family problems, violence, threats, hospital emergencies, verbal abuse, stabbing, shooting, on and on so many things I've read that are all horrible. I makes me feel sad that the folks here are having to deal with so many heartbreaking issues, but at the same time it makes me feel bad, like I have no reason to complain or even be here.
Certainly my A is an A, no question there as he could not control himself from being engulfed in the abyss of drinking...but nothing ever bad came of it outwardly. No drama, no outward hurt to anyone, but just slow decay that was taking him away, and maybe was unconciously taking me with him just a bit by bit. In the end now that he is back from rehab, there are likely health problems, but they may likely be remedied. Meanwhile, I am feeling better and better about our future and positive he will make the changes he is determined to make. Our life was never ever really really bad even when he was at his worst, so I don't know what to say. I'm just not feeling that I am "connected" here yet as far as true mutual understanding as related to others personal experiences. I suppose in the end, we all do the very best with what cards we have been dealt.
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
I sort of felt the same way when I first found MIP. I was dating an A but the relationship was ending.
Since then, my life has been pretty quiet. There is no active A in my life, but there is still dysfunction with my family and I am still learning about myself.
I like being here because:
- People care - I feel comfortbale sharing here, more so than in f2f meetings in my town - I am learning about what my mom probably went through with my dad before he killed himself. I have never felt right about asking her how awful things were. - By reading the posts, I have come to forgive my mom for the dysfunction in our family and forgive my dad because I am understanding the disease more. - I am learning that I am not the only one who feels the way I do sometimes. I can listen to my therapist on end about things, but reading posts from people who share feelings I have has been a such a relief to me!
I didn't really feel connected here at first, but I think there are some basic threads that tie everyone together on this board!
Amanda, welcome!! I am so glad you are here. There is no gauge for the pain the A disease caused us. I remember hurting horribly just becuz I could smell it. At that point there wasn't problems.
Believe me, if you love an A or anyone else for that matter, alanon is for you. Your A will always be A, we don't know how the disease will affect them or us.
For example tomorrow the A could go into pain from cirrosis and become very violent. Or tomorrow the A may go to a bar with friends and not come home.
WE never know. Alanon skills are life skills.Skills that work even on non A issues. When I don't get my rent, it is past due, I don't get sick about it. There is nothing I can do. I do what i can and then let it go. I surrendered my life to my hp.
I am more patiend, love more, listen from my heart more. I think positive first, look for positive first. If I am in pain, I can come here.
Anyway please know what ever you offer is needed. And ya never know when you will need us.
So pull up a chair,be careful of canadian guy, he bites, and spill it. lol love,debilyn
I relate to most everything you said (except mine has severe medical problems, thank god you don't have that). My A is the most loving, wonderful person; I wondered if I should be posting here? But just seeing him decline KNOWING that he is destroying himself at age 48, esp when he has a loving wife (me), two great kids, nice home; it is agonizing. His denial baffles me despite the fact that I know it is the disease that haunts his body. I've been thru the the whole shebang of crying, threatening, teasing, mothering, babying, court ordered treatment.....to no avail. So now I'm just trying to focus on myself and the kids, I can't help him. He has to do that himself. I know that I'll be available to him until he dies; then we'll cry, we'll have a funeral, and life will go on. Take care and find some peace knowing that everyone understands what you are feeling.
Thank you, I appreciate the comments and thoughts. Without getting into too much detail, I can say that a lot of the life challenges of self and understanding others is something which I have already attained through my own personal inner transcendence. Not to say that I know/have all life skills entirely because it is always an ongoing process of growth, but chances are I can give far more than I will ever need back.
To that end, I will stick around and see what I can contribute or learn - even if someone can make even a little bit of light come into anyone else's day, it is a good thing!
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The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
My dear girl, I can entirely relate to your post. Like you, I have had no problems at all compared to some of the horrible situations I have read about here on MIP. But...tell ya' what...Whether we suffer physically, mentally or financially from the actions of the A or whether we do not, we are both in the right place. Being here allows me to speak a kind word or offer encouragement to one who is hurting. And it allows you to do the same. I do believe a positive thought spoken here can give hope to those in despair. I have had a few bad moments myself, and someone has always been here to say they understand. So keep coming back and sharing yourself. It gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling that tells you you're helping.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
i felt guilty for not being happier considering my situation is not that bad a few weeks ago. A nice person remided me that it is not how much you have seen or been through, this place is for anyone who is or has been affected by another person's alcoholism/addictions. I can honestly say I am happy for anyone who found Al Anon for themselves before they had to go through what I did. I'm glad you are here. Keep coming back.
Hi Amanda- We all have a right to our own pain and the frustration we feel when are lives are out of control due to someone else's substance abuse. Don't feel like you have less to complain about than others. We all have different life experiences and thresholds for unacceptable behavior. It has to do with so many different factors. When I first went to Alanon, I thought things were bad--but like you, they didn't seem as bad as others. We had food on the table, a roof over our heads, he worked etc. fast forward a couple of years--I was so happy I had developed some serenity with the program BECAUSE things went very out of control here last summer. Had I not developed my safety net,I'm sure our family would not be intact today--but, thanks to all of you and HP,its working.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
