it is so easy to step back & be strong for others, when I am weak or confused or otherwise.  Hard to swallow your own bitter pills.  But just like deep tissue massage, if u don't dig & grind the pain out so it can be released (rather painfully) - the knots just stay deep in your muscle tissue & it hurts anyway ~ already.

So I ask clients to "breathe through the pain" & let me dig. 

In life, this is what there is ~ pain... growing pains cuz we are reaching, stretching & growing or we have pain of rotting, atrophy & a slow degenrating death.

Part of why I am so weak living through all of this pain, is I was reacting, taking in the pain of the family so they didn't have to feel it.  Like a sponge, I sucked it all up & in.

The passed 2 months have been so extremely difficult, for it was 4 months ago (about) that I decided I was no different than the A's if I gave every last drop of my precious life giving loving energy to others, never having a concept of what it means to love myself.  So once that hit me, I kept 1% for me & held it dearly, my life depended on it. 

But now, since I am no longer the "living host" for my parents to feed off of, I am the "bad guy."  My mom is finding different & unusal ways to punish me or push my buttons, including taking away work that I was performing for the family, threatening my other 2 minor jobs I perform, even threatening not to pay my rent.

I paid rent from 16-28, until I got married.  I know that they have more money now & a lot of the work I was doing was to cover the mortgage, that they pay for me...  but I am also the "watchdog" here at the condos for them & do all kinds of things, like letting ppl into their condos when they lock themselves out (1 example).

So I have sacrificed myself for my family for 37 yrs.  It has stopped, essentially.  I accept neither of my parents want to hear my feelings or understand me intimately.  In fact I've been told all of my life by my mother if I am not 'contributing to the family' I have no value. 

I did what they wanted me to do.  Over the yrs I rebelled horribly.  Well, I refuse to eep reaching out & getting burned.  If I end up on the street over this emotional sabatoge, so be it. 

She says I blame her ~ well I nvr have ~ it is clear she blames herself.  But if someone can't face themselves in the mirror & take responsibility...  so she made some mistakes, she neglected me & that is a form of abuse not to mention the actual psychological abuse.  The fact that she was no role model for self-love, shows me today where we all are in this disease.  The A is active & cheatting, my mom is w/ an old b/f b4 she met my step-dad from 27 yrs ago.  No, the A doesn't know...  the A is locked out, living in the pool house, effeciency apt behind their house. 

Nobody wants to face anything I can't even f**king say "sux" in chat w/out being told I'm "cursing."

I've had it up to here.  (puts flattened hand up to third eye)  God help me, I surrender, show me Your will & teach me to pray for I am nothing but You that moves through me.  Lord, give me strength & take my negativity as I offer it up freely.  I want to be whole & out of pain, I willingly surrender all of my pain to You.  You already have my broken heart in Your hands but I know You want me to do this daily, so I am Yours, to be used as a tool for Your will/good if You will use me.  I am here completely naked & open, use me or let me come home.  Amen.