The material presented
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You all know I have this foundation of serenity. I know things will be ok.
Also have to say after being so upset by A's words and craziness, I just wanted to check out. Just close my eyes and be done with it. I mean gads ya gotta be some kinda brave person to live past 50 and you must be super courageous to live past 70.
My gma is still here!! She is 105 nine mo. and 12 days. She has to be the strongest woman I have ever met. All she has seen and been thru and she still goes on and on. We are talking horse and buggies, the Titanic, the depression. losing everything outliving four of her six kids.
I was thinking ok things can be different, will be different. What does that mean? No matter what I am with out a mate. I sure don't want my marriage, not at all. I love my A, that never changes. I don't want to live with him ever, ever again.
Someday he is going to regret all he has said today and to his mom family and friends. Who knows what he told his brother. Well now I understand what made his brother upset at me for a long time.
Can't talk to him anymore, he's dead.
I never ever thought about my A saying horrible things about me, well the disease saying horrible things about me to others. not once. I am so ignorant. I could take it face to face becuz i knew it was the disease talking.
Then today to actually talk things over with him, and he was sober, and he talked and basically validated all the bs he had told others, just killed me. Killed me.
No matter what i have done for him, he ruined it. I did too much, I did not do enough, I had too many animals, I cleaned too much, i did not clean enough, and on and on NOT one frigging thing in our marriage since he had the surgery has been positive for him. Yet he says all he thinks about are the good things???? what a frigging idiot. i did not want sex with him. HE was the sexless wonder. gads.
I would mop the floor, he would let in the dogs knowing they had muddy feet, he would feed a great dinner to his dog.rrrrr
So now I don't even want to talk or do anything with him. He is so sick that no matter what i say he turns it around to be bad!!this has gotta be a trait of coa's.
I am venting. I know all the slogans I know it is the disease. I love him, but it does not matter to me. He is nothing to me. wow I was telling him how I have no one and I don't. My last family love connection is my gma and she is in predeath. The stage that can go on for months then the active dieing which lasts much shorter time.
do any of you feel like that? that you don't have people to connect with anymore?
oh did not finish my thought up there. The last thing I said to him was he is nothing to me anymore, nothing. and he isn't. I love my mom but she is nothing to me as she is dead. i can't touch her, talk to her, love her, take care of her.
i still love her. that is how he is. I feel this thing inside me for him, always have always will. I just learned today he knows that too. I did not think he knew how much I loved him.
Why would I want to ever be with him anymore. I would just wonder all the time what he was taking wrong, or misinterpreting. It is so over for me.
Just have not felt this way ever before. Always thought that when ya loved someone and ya gave to them and did for them, they knew what you were giving them.
i did not ever think that people think you have a hidden agenda or wanted something. Or that you were nice becuz you were manipulative.
Is this how people think? do you think like that?
I know my mom didn't. i don't either. Do men? so no wonder i love animals.
they just accept your love and revel in it. They feel your warmth they bond with ou and love you back just cuz they do. they long for your touch, your company, and when ya give it to them they appreciate it for what it is with out question.
My A loves to attack my love for animals, i said ok who is still here? Who is loyal to me thru it all?? Who lived in the barn with me when the A made me homeless?
My husband was first, he was spoiled, I enjoyed every moment with him. Then he had the brain tumor removed, he got addicted to demeral and he was a horrible person. That was that.
He is still A, he is still not the person i married. What would make me ever want to give him my heart again? nothing, he can do or say nothing that will make me ever want him again.
Ya want to know something? I am glad he is going to prison. I am glad he finally got caught before he killed somebody or worse killed somebodies kids.I am glad he is getting locked up where he will be forced to be clean and sober, forced to go to AA.
Well he already is choosing AA. In fact he is going to meetings now, as is his friend. He told me he would have to lose everything to quit. Well I never once considered that meant him losing his freedom.
For his sake, good, lock him up. I know he will glean out the rehab part of it.
I don't see me going to see him or taking any collect calls or writing to him. i am working on getting him his SS. If I can get it going I will help with what he wants, but i don't have to see him to give it to him.
He was telling me how he will get some taxes back for last year. OMG I have been robbed of MY tax returns for six frigging years, the one year he no longer owes, he gets the money. He is having his mail come here when he goes in. So I will get my money from him. IF he gets his SS I will get mine too.
But like i said, I will make sure he is as comfortable as he can be inside. But he will have to ASK me to get him what he wants. I will no longer give him anything. I just bought his tobacco the last two times and gave him a few bucks.
NO more. I will give nothing, say nothing. this f ing disease is not going to misinterpret anything about me anymore. He can make a list. I have no energy in it. I will not give this disease anymore ammuntion against me.
gotta take care of me.
This is much too long doubt anyone would read it all. i wonder if anyone else has made this realization? i mean I am sure I am not the only one.
It was always there, I just now am facing it. denial is a drag.
I think ok so I don't want to kill me. So what can I change? what are my options. move to australia? move by my adopted sister in Utah? Move by my adopted mom sw oregon?
All I do know is I want to move. I want a tiny cabin in the woods with a nice warm barn for my animals. Time to move on I guess. I want new memories away from here. some place simple where I can change my name and not be Mrs. A anymore. Just be that hippie long hair woman who loves kids and animals and most of all the creator.
that sounds good. hmmm well guess I better start fixing my place to sell it.
I want a tiny cabin in the woods with a nice warm barn for my animals. Time to move on I guess. I want new memories away from here. some place simple where I can change my name and not be Mrs. A anymore. Just be that hippie long hair woman who loves kids and animals and most of all the creator
That's almost the same as my "dream" - I had to smile because I LOVE how much you love your animals. And you are right on the money about their unconditional love.
I certainly understand how you feel. Try to see the positive - this could be a great new beginning for you. I always always enjoy your posts and they mean a lot to me and are always an inspiration for me.
Take care - smile, see the positive..... I know you will.
A faithful dog will play with you and laugh with you-or-cry. He'll gladly starve to stay with you, nor ever reason why, And when you're feeling out of sorts somehow he'll understand. He'll watch you with his shining eyes and try to lick your hand.
His blind, implicit faith in you is matched by his great love- The kind that all of us should have in the master, up above. When everything is said and done I guess this isn't odd For when you spell "dog" backwards You get the name of God.
Author Unknown
It has four legs and searching eyes And stays close by your side, Forgiving, caring, tender, warm, Without a trace of pride. A faithful friend, no matter what, Who never turns away, Devoted and protective, too, And loves to romp and play.
A big, cold nose and licking tongue With happy, busy tail. Yes, that is what true love looks like. A love that will not fail.
You know I have always gotten something out of your posts, wow the honesty, the openness.
My "A" has bad mouthed me before, in front of his friends, in front of his program friends. The thing I found out, is that many of them have seen me with him both clean and sober, and then drunk and stoned. They know how I am with him, and they thought he was full of you-know-what when he was bad mouthing me.
I hate what this disease robs us of. it is awful.
Whenever you need to vent, we are here.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Dear Debilyn, As I was reading your posts, one of the Alanon slogan's lept out at me. "Quit taking it personally"!!
You know, deep down inside that all that BS isn't about you at all. As with him, it is the disease talking, I believe, with you, it is the hurt talking. The disease is winning when you let it hurt you so badly, and you sure are hurting badly!! Please, dear friend, try to remember it is his own VERY low self-esteem that says these awful things because he wants you, the person who is closest to him, to look lower to him in his eyes ( and his so-called friends' eyes) to look lower than he is. Whew, I hope that made sense??
Debilyn, I just betcha there's not a person in this world that knows you, that doesn't love you very much!! Please don't isolate yourself! We all know from your posts what a wonderful person you are. I know you want to go to the woods in your pain, and lick your wounds. I think we all want that at times like this. Please keep coming to the board and venting, so many people gain strength from your posts.
Take your personal inventory, be honest, as you are with all of us. You will see what a great, caring, compassionate person you really are, not the picture the disease has painted of you!! Do you really care what his so-called friends think of you? They are sick too!! I know how you feel, you think people look down on you, believe me, they don't, not the ones that matter anyway!!!
Don't let this horrible disease get you down, you deserve sooo much better,( he must have had a small moment of sanity there.) Believe in yourself, love yourself, see yourself as the people here on this board see you, and love you, how your animals see you and love you. Praying for you, my friend, as are many others!! Take care of you!! Sending you lots and lots of TLC, wish I could be there to give you lots of ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))), Love, TLC
PS. Yes there are still a lot of people that are not manipulating, coniving... etc. I think a lot of them are on this board, don't you? Be yourself, nice lady, love yourself!!
i think (occasionally anyway) that we who ARE nice people that ARE sucked in or call it choose if you wanna, does not matter what you call it, we are in it, and here we are trying to love and be real for our A's, get some serious wounds from what they vent to us, about us, no matter what stage of healing we are in. I know this is true for me anyway. let go let god, I am really trying to learn this program because the part of me that wants to lay down and die is not winning and i dont really want to be miserable. i ran from my A a week ago because of her bs and untruths and god help me i want to keep running (mostly?) but there is that part of me that is insane thinking, maybe this maybe that. i have the lil spot in the woods with the critters and when i met my A i was perfectly happy with what i had, and I spend alot of time mad at myself for allowing her to jump into my dreams with her manipulative ways that didnt work so well and where did my mental health go? out the window. now I am trying to find it again QUICK before that lay down and die crap wins. there has to be better than this!
As you have said so often to us, it is the disease talking. It is about him, not about you. Yeah it still can hurt, but don't buy into it. I agree with what others have said, his friends are sick just like him, you are too good to care what they think of you.
A little cabin sounds wonderful, but then again your Eden always sounds like a wonderful place. You and your animals are what make it sound so magical and wonderful. Your spirit and strength, and your love and theirs. Our A's can suck the very life out of us if we let them. Vent away, you are more than entitled to it.
Hug those little critters and bask in their love. Keep reminding yourself how wonderful you are.
debilyn: I am sorry you are in such pain. My A once accused me publicly of neglecting the animals we have. I felt deeply offended by that because of course I am so often left to take care of them myself. They do know how to hurt very very deeply and I don't think I can not take it personally because some of my As action were meant to hurt and dump off his hurt on me.
I also know that I have lashed out at the A. I may not be as vindictive and mean and specific as he is but I have lashed out at him many many times in blind rage, grief, backlash and I have had to stop doing that. I have had to learn skills of calming down and attending to myself and stopping and taking care of me. And I have to understand that much of my A's posturing over making things better is a defense. My A is not yet ready to give up drugs, he sees drugs a way to manage his symptoms and not as some of the problem. He has had many many bottoms with jail, sickness, finances (he recently failed a drug test). Part of getting better for me is the ability to be honest and I think that being honest and being in reality is not something very many people embrace. I do not go around talking my own honesty to others and taking their inventory. But sitting with myself and my boundaries and my resources is a tremendously painful thing to do. I applaud your ability to be honest and state how disappointed you are in him and how much you wanted a partner and did not get that. I think that kind of grief is like embracing fire because it can burn through you with such fierceness. At the same time your ability to accept that the A is not able to be honest and truthful and understand how he has hurt you is tremendously courageous.
I know when I blur boundaries, dump on people, act out I cannot take it back but I do know it hurt others tremendously. I also know my sky high expectations are what married me into many many relationships. I work daily to make my expectations more reasonable and dependable because I am tired of setting myself up. I applaud your wisdom in understanding the limitations your A will bring whether or not he goes to jail. I also applaud your ability to own your issues with how your needs were not taken care of so many times in the relationship. I know those burning resentments do me a tremendous injustice. I really have to work to own them and work through them. There are times when I do a 4th step on certain relationships that I do come to a sense of peace about knowing someone and what they taught me in a roundabout way. I think that there can be a tremendous learning in dealing with an A. I also think that there can be tremendous pain. I try not to have many more lessons of how self destructive and how destructive an A can be in a relationship. At the same time the mirror they hold up to me is something I have to acknowledge because that relationship probably more than any other tells me how low my self esteem can be, how I can live in a fantasy and how I can believe I can cure all when that is for a HP to do and not for me to contemplate.
