The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife has been doing very well. She looks forward to her meetings. She attends as much as she can. She has realized what measures she has to take in order for her to be a better person. She is/has cut ties to things that triggers her. I'm still not living with her yet, but we talk regularly and I have visited a few times.
She has stayed clean and is very positive about her life now. I hope that she continues to feel this way. She wants me to come home, but I am still hesitant in doing so. I am sticking to my guns, I have told her that we should continue to take things slowly, maybe by spring that I will move back. If things continue as they are.
The question that I have is putting a time frame on this a bad thing?
It's such a tough call. To me the time frame may but artificial expectations in place. But you also said maybe, nothing is cast in stone. I know for myself I thought of a divorce after the holidays. Well after I imposed that artificial time frame, I got very anxious after the holidays. And I didn't even tell anyone else excpet for my alanon friends about this.
Besides a time frame, what else are you looking for before you go back. Have you expressed these things? These might be the real bench mark.
Sounds like you have the boundry set up for the right reason though, for you. You'll both be better for that in the long run. Way to go ! Both of you!
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
For what it's worth, I don't think setting a timeframe around things is a bad thing at all, but your worlds are changing very rapidly right now, so you might not want to get too definitive with what you are committing to...
Something along the lines of "let's revisit the situation in three months time", allows both of you to kind of see the "line in the sand", and pick a future date for discussion.... I would likely resist the temptation to say something along the lines of "we can move back in on March 31", only because NEITHER of you can possibly know that far out right now.
Just my opinion, and glad things are going well for her..... Now, a loaded question - how are things going for YOU? (and I don't mean how much your wife is drinking, or not drinking!!)
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can so relate to the situation you are in. My A and I are also separated, he is living out of the home. I am also struggling with the time frame thing, and what exactly is it that I need in order to have him come back home. I just don't know what that is, I only know what I don't want, and that is to live with active alcholism. He is sober, attending and outpatient program and meetings regularly, doing everything he should be doing. In the mean time I am trying to do the same for me. I pray that my HP will show me when the time is right, just as he showed me when the time was right to ask him to leave.
I was talking to a friend of mine about this recently and she suggested that just for myself I try to write down what I need to see happening in our relationship in order for me to be comfortable with a reconciliation. I have yet to do it, but do think that I will.
I will be anxious to follow your posts and see what kind of feedback you receive, as it may be just what I am looking for also.
Thanks again everyone for your support. In response to some of your questions:
I have expressed to her that I will not live the way we were living again, and that I will not put my son through this again either. She has pretty much guaranteed me that it will not happen again and she knows what she has done and what she has lost. But I still remain apprehensive, or for lack of a better term, "gun shy". But I want to stay positive and hopeful, it's not an easy task.
About how "I" feel... I feel like I'm in limbo right now and I don't like the feeling. I know that I can't predict the future, but I hate the fact that I don't know what to expect out of all of this. I know that I love her, but is "love" enough? I know I miss her and her kids, which feel like my kids. I feel like my life is on hold right now, waiting for a large neon sign to tell me it's safe to go back. I know that won't happen, but I can be hopeful.
It would be much easier on me to just cut all ties and go on with my life. I don't fear that I won't find someone else, nor do I feel dependant on her for love and intimacy. I do enjoy it, don't get me wrong...but I don't want to give up on my vows and the promise of sticking with her "for better or for worse"...this has got to be one of those "for worse" parts...
As for the time-line, I haven't set a date in stone. It's upon further review at the moment. But I can say that I miss my house, my wife, and my kids. Being away from them is very difficult, but I choose to stay away for the better good of all of us and I know that we would not work out if I went back today...
I am at the other end of a separation. My A moved out because he didn't want to be a husband any more. He is a recovering A but he has had the run of place as we say. I have found that I have to set boundaries to protect myself and stand up for my end of the relationship. I like that you have set boundaries with your wife. I think whether they are drinking or not they do so much better with perimeters. I make very same decisions for myself in the form of boundaries and our relationship seems to go better. When I set deadlines in my mind (like we will divorce or not on June 1) I get really scared and then he tends to go into his black or white thinking. What I am finding out especially through Alanon meetings and this board is that there are many ways to view relationships and set them up. Hope this helps.
