The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
sometimes i hear what people have to say about loving the person and i resent what they say. i hear people say to love them and not let it effect me. not to blame them b/c they have a disease. not to detach from the person but the alcohol. but this is me...and how i feel about it.
1: i love my dad sooo much & that is why i am not speaking with him. i hope and pray that he loves his family enough to say "wait is this worth loosing my family?" i know that he loves me, but why doesn't he love me more than drinking? (please don't say b/c it's a disease).
2: alcohol...it effects me b/c it effects my relationship with my dad---i hate that!!
3: i blame him for ruining our family! it's not a disease, it is a choice. to pick up that glass or not to.
4: i'm supposed to still have contact with my dad and not the boose? that is impossible. if i see my dad, he is either drunk or getting ready to drink.
5: it effects me!! no matter what i do, what i say, how i say it, how i feel-it effects me. i wonder if he thinks it effects him.
1: i love my dad sooo much & that is why i am not speaking with him. i hope and pray that he loves his family enough to say "wait is this worth loosing my family?" i know that he loves me, but why doesn't he love me more than drinking? (please don't say b/c it's a disease).
If your choice is to not speak with your dad right now, that's ok. I can bet that your dad does love you very much and actually hates his drinking (although they rarely admit it). Who would choose something that controls their lives and creates so much hurt?
2: alcohol...it effects me b/c it effects my relationship with my dad---i hate that!!
It is well known that it is a "family disease". Alanon can give you tools to cope.
3: i blame him for ruining our family! it's not a disease, it is a choice. to pick up that glass or not to.
Have to disagree here. It is very much a disease, with much proof to be genetically so. There are criteria to classify as a disease. As by the definition, a disease must have: causes, symptoms (which are reliable and predictable), course, outcome, and treatment. Alcoholism has all of these. If alcohol is genetically predisposed, this means a person is actually born an alcoholic, certainly not by choice..
4: i'm supposed to still have contact with my dad and not the boose? that is impossible. if i see my dad, he is either drunk or getting ready to drink.
Remember, he has his own God to judge him. It is possible to detach from what he does, not who he is.
5: it effects me!! no matter what i do, what i say, how i say it, how i feel-it effects me. i wonder if he thinks it effects him.
WE also have a choice as to how it affects us. You can only change YOUR perceptions, not his. WE can recognize that things done and said under the influence is booze talking and choose to ignore it, walk away from it or take whatever action is best for us. WE can choose not to let it ruin our lives, become doormats, stay angry and lose ourselves being wrapped up in their disease. Who does that hurt? Who is affected?
Keep coming back :) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Warning: This post contains purely my opinion based on my personal ESH (experience, strenght and hope) and may contain traces of peanuts and wheat products.
1. Part of this word you don't want me to say is that he will not choose to get help or stop until they payoff for drinking is less than the payoff for not drinking in a way. He has to hit his own bottom. Everyone's bottom is different, some people's bottom is death. Deep down inside he probably hates himself and the drinking more than you know, maybe more than anything else. But, since he can't deal w/ that, he'll numb it w/ more alcohol.
2. It affects you. But the degree it affects you is up to you. If you obsess over his drinking to the point that it affects your relationships with others or even yourself, that you don't or won't do things for you, your also making choices. Your chosing to let his drinking run and ruin your life. Your choosing to focus on his choices.
3. I'm lucky, I've never smoked but I've had some other impulses which I've been able to rid myself of pre recovery. But, I still have my underlying issues. Sure, he could quit drinking today and he might substitute it with a drug, gambling, ex. Do you believe that if he just stopped drinking that all would be well? There are still other things to deal with. Sometimes when I have a hard time thinking of alcohol as a disease, I think more along the lines of my A having a mental illness and my A chooses to use alcohol to deal with it. If she stopped drinking, she'd still deal w/ her illness in other ways, usually non appropriate or healthy. I have my own issues too. Some of my impulsive behavior I've beaten, I've subsititued w/ the way I behave towards my A.
4. I haven't read every response, but to have or not to have contact w/ your Dad is your decision and your choice. I've seen Alanoners who stay with their spouse and I admire their ability to find serenity in that situation. I've seen those who hae left and I admire their courage to do that as well. They both have decided to do what works for them though. The boundry for you may be as long as Dad is not active, they I'm not calling him. I need to do that for my own sanity or serenity. It sounds that your reasons for not communicating with him are not for your own self, but you are doing it in an attempt to control his alcohol. We've all tried many or all of these methods. They didn't work. We tried our own recovery. Some A's see us and recover and start their own recovery. Some see our recovery and despise our growth. But we can better ourselves despite where they are.
5. Does my A's drinking affect me? Sure, she comes home from a job she got to pay for booze because I wouldn't. She does nothing consistently but the laundry. So, dishes, shopping, cooking, kids taxi service, help w/ homework are all essentially up to me. Now I choose to do this. These are my children and I choose to do these things to take care of them. I feel that is the right thing to do. Here is an example of what I wouldn't do. Friday my daughter forgot her cell phon on the ground at school. My A TOLD me to take her to pick it up. I was still working (work from home). I said no, I asked my A why she could not go. She already began drinking. Again she tried to convince me to go. I stuck to my guns, and kept my work responsibilities. She then said she was going to take her. I told her that she would not drive my daughter after drinking. At this point this now involved my children's safetly. She argued with me. I advised her if she drove with my daughter in the car that I would call the police. So, I set a personal boundry for myself, that I would not shirk my responsibiility. Unfortunately my children had to suffer the consequence, but I feel that always dropping everything because the A won't drop the beer can, would be enabling her and bailing her out. I then got more involved once it directly involved my child's safety and was ready to take different measure.
I hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
One other thing, flint - you can get to these things in your won way, and at your own speed. You may not be able to really forgive and detach with love now, but who knows where you will be five years from now? Let yourself feel your feelings, learn more about the program, and eventually you will find the parts that really make a difference to you. It's a journey, not a destination.
