Aloha Tyrone...you say you broke up and then you're wanting her to teach you while she resists for what ever reason.  She doesn't want to and you have lots of other directions to face to get your cooking right needs met.  That sounds like a "fix me" shout and she's saying no. One of the roughest lessons I learned in Al-Anon myself was "What part of No don't I understand"? along with "No" is a complete sentence.

It was responses like "bud's" that helped me to grow in recovery because they asked me to reflect...take an honest inventory of the situation and my motives and then make the proper changes resulting in serenity and/or sanity or attempt to "do the same thing over and over again expecting different results".   Your GF sounds like she likes the different results she is getting from practicing her program and what's good is to respect it, her, consequences.

When I stopped enabling my alcoholic/addict wife and after half a dozen split-ups she also had a reaction like yours...she confronted me with "but you've always done it this way" and wanted me to continue playing my enabling part however I had reached the place in recovery that your GF has reached and I was done...I knew she hadn't done what she needed to do to change herself and only wanted me to continue playing my part.  I was done and "No" was a complete sentence and said the "No" with love and respectful consideration of her.  She left and found someone else to try to fill my shoes and I'm not curious how what worked out.

Enabling I was taught in recovery is "If the other person has the time, ability and facility to get their expectations me and I step in to fulfill anyone of those...I am enabling (them to stay impaired).  If they lack anyone of the three...and...they ask me for helf then I can consider supporting their need".   It sounds like your GF has learned that lesson.  Commend, honor and respect her and go keep looking for solutions for yourself.  You are responsible.  Do you have an OA sponsor?  What does your sponsor/program say? (((((hugs))))) 

Thanks so much for your input. It makes a lot of sense and I appreciate your thoughtful words. I agree she shouldn't be obligated and totally has/had the right to refuse. I guess one just has to decide if being with a person who looks at life that way is what we want to do. It's just sad because we had so much else going for us, I thought.

Thanks for you thoughtful words. I believe I did "hear" her "NO;" it just made me sad and confused, I guess. Love means many different things to different people I guess. I cherish the moments I can help my partner or make her life easier, as long as it is working toward health and happiness. We just had a different definition of those things, apparently. Thanks and good luck.

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it. It is hard to know what the right thing is for ourselves with kids and being divorced. It sounds like you are a thoughtful person who will undoubtedly do the "right" and healthy thing for yourself and kids. Good luck.

Sometimes it seems that obstacles would be able to be easily overcome, but- for whatever reason- they are not. This happens whether there is addiction, no addiction, alanon, no alaon... it just sometimes happens. We can't crawl inside someone else's head to know exactly the reasons, and, if we did, we may still not understand.

My last break up was returning from our first holiday, when like a switch was pulled and he became someone other than a kind, generous, and loving person. A man in his 50s, just hired as a VP of some large financial company- thought I was too selfish because I wanted to have my own towel, my own food plate from a salad bar, did not want to live out of my suitcase relegated to a corner on the floor while he spread his things over the hotel room- used the surfaces, luggage rack, drawers, and closets. He'd use or consume entire amounts of anything I purchased without sharing or replacing- water, snacks, toothpaste; when I addressed this with him, he could not understand that I purchased water and am thirsty because he drank it all - or wanted to brush my teeth with toothpaste and had none because he used the entire tube; or that I had no snacks for in between meals when I'm hungry and get grumpy- and he still felt entitled to consume my things indiscriminately. I finished the holiday hiding my clean towel, toothpaste, some snacks, and water. I boldly put my suitcase on the luggage rack, but lived out of it instead of unpacking and ignored his being upset over it- and he became sarcastic and condescending for the remainder of the trip. I could go on, but my point is that I cannot meet his definition of love or unselfish.

Wishing you the best in the healing process.

-- Edited by bud on Saturday 2nd of November 2013 12:04:13 PM

Sometimes newcomers do misunderstand the programs messages, but then again, SO's often don't know us as well as they think they do. Often the person who is our qualifier has no idea what pain and overwhelm we have been going through because they either don't want to hear it, or it was easier just not to tell them.

I am wondering why you have been dabbling in OA instead of digging into the program to help yourself? If you are an overeater who needs to learn to make better choices, isn't your OA sponsor the one to go to? Learning to cook isn't the key here. Learning to make better choices about eating is. Your gf can probably see that and may not be confident that you do. If that's the case, she may have said no because she doesn't want to go through the pain of trying to help when she will not be able to let go of the outcome. She does not have unlimited strength and emotional energy to give you. If you crash and burn in this endeavor, it will hurt her to watch and be involved because she may feel responsible.

I may have already said too much and these are just guesses of course, but hopefully you get my point, which is to call your own sponsor. Your gf isn't able to give you what you think you need right now, so get it someone whose job it is to support you in this area of your life.

Best wishes in your recovery,