The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like the queen of codependency and enabling. Been doing alot of reading - Al-anon books - and have realized how things sounds so familiar. I try to help everyone but myself and have made myself miserable. Kept trying to change my husband to no avail - brought myself right to a nervous breakdown - twice. I guess I'm a slow learner. There is a long history of alcoholism in my family - grandparents - parents, and then I married a man who abuses alcohol.
Finally told him last week to move out - couldn't stand it anymore. He quit drinking!!! Don't know how long this is going to last - but he realized I was dead serious about a separation this time. But I seen for many years how I haven't taken care of myself and tried to please everyone, etc.
I see a long road ahead of me to change this but am looking forward to it.
I also asked my A to leave recently, that I needed a separation for me, not so that he would quit drinking. Today he is sober, just had 30 days. But you are so right that is not the end of the road. It took us years to get to the point of enough is enough. It is very difficult for my A to understand that this separation is not entirely about him, that it is about me, what I need and what I need to do for me. I have so much I need to sift through. He seems to think that since he has chosen sobriety,(which he has done in the past) that that should be enough for him to come home. It is not, it is just he beginning. Not to mention that I am not entirely convinced that he will stay sober, as I said, he has had 30 days before. I too have a long road ahead of me, am praying that I have the strength to stay on it and stay focused, but it is very difficult.
Stay focused on you, do what you need to do for you, the rest will come in time. I am trying to do that too. I realize that the outcomes may not be what I think they will be, I cannot be consumed with that. I can only do what I need to for today, and then again tomorrow. Eventually the rest will unfold on its own, it is not in my control.
You may have a long road ahead, but you're not alone in the journey. We're here for you and beside you, some going down the same path.
My A and I both agreed after the relapse that we had to separate. I wasn't doing him any good, he wasn't doing me any good, but most importantly, we weren't doing ourselves any good. We each had to concentrate on our own recoveries and couldn't do that living together. He's on month 9 of sobriety, but we aren't ready to be with each other full time. I've realized that during this time, regardless of how he fairs with his recovery mine is about me and me alone. I've forgotten how strong I am! I never realized how lost I got in his disease, recovery, and relapse. I'm still rediscovering parts of myself that I thought were long gone.
Don't look at this as a time of separation, but rather a time of discovery. It isn't easy at times, but it's so worth the journey. Here's to you ! Bon Voyage! I know you will be just fine.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can definitely empathise. My a's actions toward me have taken me to new lows. I have allowed other relationships to consume me in the same way. i have been in recovery now for a long time but my relationship actions always took me back down again. I have had to really work on ending self destructive behaviors in that regard.
I think some of us can move very quickly in al-anon recovery. I have only been here a few weeks and I already find a lot of support and encouragement around setting boundaries. I have waited my whole life for that. I also find a lot of support and encouragement around self actualizing and other issues. I have also waited a long time and begged the A to help me with that. He never would. Of course he wants me to be dependent. As long as I am dependent he gets to call all the shots.
! Bon Voyage! I know you will be just fine.