The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I tell ya, last night I read about a 19 year old who got 2 dui's in an hour. I wanted to go find him, take him to see my A and say this is YOUR future.
Probaby would not make a bit of difference as people that young don't really believe anything like that will happen to them. Thus why our 18 to 21 year olds joining the service... but thats another subject.
I wanted to let out how I feel. I held my gmas hand in one hand and my A's hand in another. I looked at both and knew in a month or sooner I won't have either of them.
Not feeling sorry for myself. No. that is a lie. I guess I am. It made me feel so lost and the hole in my gut got deeper.
My A possibly is at his bottom. Who knows but him. It is a forced bottom uno. I told him to stop talking to people and take a day at a time. Suggested to wait until he talks to an attorney to know his fate.
Seems really strange to be put into a jail/prison for dui. But sadly we don't have any thing else at this point.
My A has 5 dui's on his record. The driving while suspended he did not bother going to court. He was on probation plus did not pay fines or go in.
Just digging himself in deeper, as the disease dug in stronger.
Ya know it makes me feel so awful. Like tearing my stomach out more. At least I knew where he was and i could call him and go see him. Could give and get a hug, get advice about something.
I also know he will get very sober and clean, he will go to AA in there and there is an anger management class. He will eat and drink correctly, he will actually be healthier. He won't have to think about bills or gas or the fear of getting caught driving.
It actually, for him, will be a good thing. Sad eh?
The thing about my A is, if there is good to be gleaned out of this mess, he will find it. He won't fight it. Yet another young beautiful man, a gentle kid, one who was a country boy, very simple and shy who got drafted during the Viet Nam war and came back an addict.
30 years of hell later he ends up in jail/prison. Never commiting a crime hurting anyone but himself. (thank goodness)
I want to throw up. Probably why nothing in my gut is working. I know many of you are going thru the same thing.
There are times I think I am ok with this, this being him being sent to jail. But yet my guts and head tell me different.
He is my husband, a part of me. Everytime he leaves that part of me goes with him, as I hold our love inside me, when the disease takes him over.
Now yes I do believe he had a responsibilty in this. Becuz not all his behaviors came from his aism. I cannot explain this more right now.
All I know is he is sober right now, and it really kills me to see him in such pain. My hope is something positive will come out of this. At the least he won't be on the road. His alcohol level was .31. He should have been dead.
It has been a long seven years watching this process. tears are rolling down my chubby chipmonk cheeks. I see him 17 so cute and such a good kisser. Now...
I will tell you, he is still decideing what he will do. If the attorney says 5 to 10 years he is deciding if he will just go out like a light, with a needle, or face the last time he will have on earth locked up. Here my biggest problem is do I pay the house payment or go get feed until I get the check I am expecting?
gawd I gotta throw up. thank you so much, who else would I talk to who would really understand? love,debilyn
Debilyn: I expect to get the call any day about the A and the DUI. He drives drunk all the time. Generally it is just a few streets away but he is determined to do it. He won't walk for nothing! I could forgive him if he walked but no his willfullness is that he is the greatest driver in the world. Denial is such an incredible force.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain and the financial struggles and to know that the A is at a bottom. I am not sure what is harder seeing them at the bottom or being at the bottom myself. I used to really want to be married to the A now I am so glad I did not. I am so grateful for that because I know divorce would be really dififcult for me.
I know my A has never hit the one bottom he needs to stop and he may not do that the last bottom's are very very hard.
I am sorry to hear that you are also losing your grandmother. It is one thing to die a natural death. Stephen Levine says that there is something very natural about death. The kinds of deaths that A's die is so obscene. One of my old boyfriends his brother died in a trailer not far from where I live by the general store. When I found out how he died laying down alone for 3 days with none of his cronies who drank with him night and day going to check on him I wept and I did not even know him. I told my old boyfriend and he was so numb he did not even react. I grieved for that man I did not know. I know I grieve for the A because I know any A's death in the disease is ugly and wretched and I have seen and heard plenty of them. The guy down the street, the meth addict who was a genius at fixxing cars. Similar thing the people who used him, accompanied him, lived in his house for free, left him alone to die. The called in animal control with some fairy story none of them could be bothered to stick around. His family don't even acknowledge he died. They said he went away. I guess he went away a long long time ago.
I think its something to stick it out to the bitter end. I know the bitter end will come for my younger sister sooner rather than later. She's been an alcoholic with dts if she ever detoxes for decades. One of her children was born with alcohol related learning issues (of course we are not allowed to say that). She is already yellow and haggard and doesn't eat anything just drinks to oblivion every night. The most important thing on her grocery list is the wine. I know I can recognize that now and accept it and know there is nothing I can do or say to make her sober or make her want to live for her children she claims to adore. I also know that from the moment she first drank at 16 she had this same path cut out for her. The single most important thing in her life is that she can drink. It comes before everything job, health, children, husband, house, hobbies, whatever. I have passed through all the stages of grief about it many many times.
I know I don't want to be around to watch my A die. Of course being an A it could be any day the way he lives and I am able to recognize that now and I give that to HP every day. I no longer sit paralyzed in resentment and fear. I have no control over that. I give it back to HP by the hour sometimes. I also know my own death will be brought on earlier by the stress strain and sheer chaos of living around an A. I know I don't have decades to go anymore and I don't think I want them to be the quality I have had during most of my lifetime. That is one thing that makes me want to be here and to work on my life regardless of the outcome. I am worth it.
I pray for you Debilynn at this difficult time that you get the strength you need and the detachment you need during this critical time. I also pray the check comes in the mail :)
Reading your post make tears roll down my chubby cheeks too.
My heart aches for you and so does my stomach. I've had several of those stomach aches this week as I struggled to make that overdue call to my lawyer to go forward with a divorce. It aches for all that could have been, all that I knew.
After my A sobered up, he told me that he spent the six months or so before getting a program hoping to be caught with crack, hoping to be arrested. It seemed to him that that was his best chance of getting rid of his addiction - going to jail. Easier to go to jail than to walk into that CA meeting in the church basement - that's addict's thinking for ya.
If your husband gets into a program while in there, he may be able to find some peace and serenity - I hope so.
Just checking in, to echo all that has been said. We are here, supporting you, thinking of you, wishing you well.
My own experience is, the worry - what will happen, will he go to jail, hospital, how is he going to manage??? etc. etc., were far worse than the reality. When my son went to hospital (committed, not by choice), I knew where he was. It was a frightening experience, but, with all my alanon support, and I have to say.... the absence of the worry over what is going to happen next..... it proved to be positive.
Now, thankfully, your A hasn't killed anyone through his drink/driving, this is his chance to clean up his act.... surely they wont jail him for so long? He is not coping, Debi, he is a danger, to himself and others, sigh, out of your control.
I hope he finds the help he needs. More than that, I want you to feel safe here, and find the help YOU need. Take care of you, you are very much loved and valued. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it.
Last night I realized part of my uncomfortableness is not knowing where I belong, or who I belong to. It is very unnerving to look over and there is never anyone there.
Seems like life has been full of living alone.
Sometimes things are pretty rough for all of us.
But having each other here to understand is sure a wonderful thing.
