After years of living with active disease, bouts of recovery, and bouts of dry drunk I have seen my fair share of BS.  My husband is sober, dry, very little into recovery and is what I believe to be a rageaholic.  And last night I found the courage to take a stand. 

As has been the pattern of behavior on days in which my husband has off, the night is usually argumentative and chaotic.  Last night was no different.  It started out decent enough, but then there was a problem with the refridgerator.  This was a problem that has been ongoing, and attempts to repair have been w/out success.  The problem recreated itself last night.  I offered a suggestion of what I thought would work.  Yet I was met with resistance and anger.  I walked away from the situation, all the while my husband was slamming things around, yelling vulgarities and disrespecting me.  He left the house in anger.  I stated to him prior and as he left last night that we did not have a revolving door and that he could not come and go as he pleased, and if he left he could not return.  As he left I locked the door, of which the deadbolt cannot be opened from outside.  He made attempts to have me let him in, and tried on his own.  At this time I did not trust his anger.  I locked all of the doors in the house.  After many attempts at the front door - he kicked in the back door.  I then called police to have him removed.  He took off before police could get to the house, they took a report and left.  I called and had a program friend come over and while she was here he did come back.  I ignored all phone calls, and knocking at the door.  As the level of knocking esculated, I again called the police.  He was found and placed in protective custody.

When they cut him loose in the middle of the night he called and was angry and beligerent.  I told him that I would not further discuss the situation while he was acting in this manner and quietly hung up.  After some time, he called much calmer, stated he needed a place to sleep.  I agreed to allow him back into the house, as I felt he was no longer a danger.  I locked my bedroom door and told him not to come upstairs.  If he did I would again call police.  He did respect that.

After little sleep and much thought and prayer, I am surprised with my actions.  They were done with clarity and without malice.  Without hesitation I found the courage to protect myself, my children and my husband.  I have taken many actions to further protect myself in other ways.  I have taken steps to dissolve our joint checking account, stop my direct deposits, and started putting down on paper what needs to happen in order to stay here.  I am willing to let go of my home as I would not be able to afford it on my own.  I am willing to let go of the relationship in order to be free of this insanity. 

I now know that I possess the courage and conviction to live a sane and serene life.  I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior and I will not.  It has taken a long time for me to work this program and have the ES & H sink into my thick head, but I can tell you today that it has and I feel much better about myself today than I have in a long time.