The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I finally did it! I Let Go! After reading the Post by Tea2 last week over and over again, I realized it was time.
Last night I had to take my son to a dr appt. My a husband, oh like so many other nights, decided to stop at a bar on the way home from work, which means he'll get drunk, not eat dinner and crash as soon as he gets home.
Before I left for my son's appt, I cut out the Letting Go quote from the post I had printed and wrote a note to my a in the margin.
It said "If and when you ever decide you are ready to stop drinking and live your life, I will be here with love and support. If you'd like to talk to someone who has quit and has gone to AA meetings, let me know and I'll help you find someone. Love you always!!".
I got home to discover he had begun to write me a really nasty note (it was crumbled up in the trash) and had torn up some papers I had lying in the bedroom. He looked at me and told me to shut the XXXX up and not to talk to him.
This morning he was the same way. I tried to tell him this morning that he should think about how he would feel if I was the one coming home drunk all the time. I told him I know that I am not perfect and there are things I could do to improve myself. He again told me not to talk to him, and I told him he might as well leave. He left for work this morning without a lunch or a goodbye kiss. I've got a really important meeting at work in an hour, and I wish I could stay home to make sure he doesn't come home and take things.
I am scared....I really want him to realize what is happening to our relationship because of his drinking, but what if he doesn't!!!!
I am sorry to hear that you are in this position. I have had to do steps 1, 2, 3 when I am faced with such things. My A has had many many many bottoms none of them enough to give it up. His brother is a drug addict/alcoholic and his mother is too. His mother being more the closet variety she drinks at home and then labels everyone else the alcoholic.
I have been in much denial about the background and the voracity of his addiction. He is like many addicts a consummate liar. I have called him on his lies recently and told him I do not want to hear any more dog and pony stories. I also told him that I am not the one creating all the problems in the relationship (although I certainly have my problems). Nothing seems to change he goes into pity, acts out, back to pity. He holds onto some kind of magical solutions and does not want to be in reality.
I can't really do much about the sorry state of his life. I can only do stuff about mine. I rage at him less and less. I also worry and obsess about him less because I just let him fall as he needs to. I am not picking him up anymore.
I am glad that you are here. There are many many people here who have been where you are they will not judge ou.
They also won't try to control you.
Please keep sharing and venting and caring for yourself.
i always loved my dad. to me...he walked on water. my dad use to drink after work every night. every night it was alittle more and more. when i got older i asked him why and he blamed it on my mom. my mom gave him the opportunity to either quit or she was leaving. he told her to leave. well, finally after 21yrs of marriage she left him. he kept drinking. so i understand now that it was b/c of him, not my mom. if your hubbie wants to drink, nothing you can say will change his mind. even now, my dad could care less what i have to say ( and in my heart i still think he walks on water). i feel like i am in my mother's shoes. i want him to quit or i'll leave. i know that he will just tell me to leave. all that matters to an A is drinking.
I filed for divorce in June after 17 years with my husband. My sweet seven year-old son and I needed peace! My soon to be Xhusband has been drinking consistently for 30 years and refuses to admit he has a problem. Your post sounded a lot like my life was when I was with him. He was destroying us because of his drinking. Life is so much better now and with therapy, my son and I are recovering. There's hope, Audrey. Sometimes the hardest decisions to make bring the most peace in the end.
I believe that letting go is the best thing we can do. "Let Go and Let God" is something I say to myself a million times a day. Recently I have been able to stop trying to control my A son. I have been able to do this by reading these posts, praying and seeing a therapist. I have been praying for the strength to be able to deal with whatever happens regarding his drinking. He is only going to stop, if he ever does, when he is ready to do so. All the worrying and nagging at him is doing nothing but making my life miserable. It is not changing him what so ever. I also grew up with an A father. I have developed alot of anxieties from that kind of family life. My dad did die alone. There was alot of shame around his Aism when I was younger as I felt like my family was the only one living like this. We did not tell our friends and it caused alot of anxiety trying to hide and make excuses for what was going on. Today, I am starting to have compassion for the A. My father did not WANT to drink. He was, I feel, one of the "HOPELESS" ones that just could not recover. Years ago people did not recognize it as a disease like they do now. He really had no one that could understand. I wish that I knew then what I know now about it so I could have been more understanding with my dad the way I can be with my son now. They don't ask to be like this no more than someone ask for cancer. It is what they have been handed and hopefully, one day at a time, can recover from it.
