Ugly remark in chat room - Al-Anon Family Group

kat4u · Veteran Member

Ugly remark in chat room

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Kat,

First and foremost, I am sorry that you are hurting. I sometime am one of the ones acting silly in chat. ;) I do know that when someone comes in and needs to share or vent, that it should become the priority. It usually does.

I'm not defending the chat room or what happened, as I was not there. In reading what you said was said, even that I can see how it can be taken different ways. I'm an optimist and usually only think the worst when I know that is what is meant, so take what I'm saying knowing that is where I'm coming from and my bias. It can be taken as "Lets all pray THAT Kat gets suicidal." I just can't see anyone here wanting you to become suicidal. It can also be taken as "Lets all pray BECAUSE Kat gets suicidal." Now that might not be something that I would say, it's not me, but it have been said out of non judgemental and uncoditional love by someone who is concerned because of the things you sometimes express, that you are in a dark place. They could be praying that our HP helps relieve your pain. Not because anyone is sick of hearing it, but because of concern.

Without knowing better, I choose to believe the second one. That's just me though, and I'm not trying to tell you what to believe. :)

I hope you do regain your comfort to come back to chat.

Hugz and recovery,
Bob

Cilla · Senior Member

(((((Kat)))))

So sorry to hear about your experience. I too hope that it was a miscommunication. I also hope that you don't allow the actions of one person to compare all of us to. There are no excuses for that type of behavior, although there are times where a person in recovery can use some EG, extra grace, as they are still not doing well.

I hope you won't give up on coming around when you need to receive help... or even on the days that you don't, just to hang around and be part of what is normally a wonderful group. You show growth in yourself in that you have come here to try to reason things out.

My condolances also for the death of your brother, Michael. Dealing with the death of a loved one is a process in itself, and for many of us a bit tougher when we have also been dealing with the affects of alcoholism in our lives. I would still recommend some f2f meetings. I have two home groups, and between the two of them at least six dear friends of mine are dealing with the death of either a mother, father, son, brother or sister who has died in the throes of this awful disease. There truly is support in this room of Al-Anon as well as the f2f rooms... don't give up.

Kat, you have been hurt, but don't give up on the help that you need. Don't allow the behavior of one person become your excuse for giving up. You own the right to choose help.

Take Care of Yourself!

Luv

Cilla

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kat,

It took me a long time to decide to join the chat room as I had heard a lot of negative things about it. I was just happy to stay posting on MIP. I did join about a month ago and so far have only had very positive experiences. Was your experience part of the meeting or just the general chat afterwards? I tend to go to the meetings and then just private message close confidants on the chat line. The meetings are always run very professionally and each member is totally supportive when others are having their sharing time. Please don't let one person put you off coming back, hand it to HP and then make the decision that is right for you. Luv Leo x

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kat,

Sorry you had a bad time in the chat room. I wasn't there but I want to apologize anyway.

Don't ever apologize for feeling the way you are feeling. Your feelings are real and valid. The loss of a loved one for any reason is heartbreaking.

This board and chat room is a place of love and support. I hope that you won't leave us because of what happened.

Wishing you peace in your heart.

Live strong,
Karilynn

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Kat)))))

I am so sorry for your loss and for what was said to you. I also have had some experiences that were not positive in the chat room. Remember that everyone here has problems. We are not perfect. I am in no way condoning that behavior. U R right and it was bad to make fun of your pain. Suicide is not a joking matter. I was not in the room when this was said but I also want to apologize for what happened. I have found great support here and at my f2f meetings.

Keep coming back....I am glad u r here.

Julia

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

KAT____I'm sorry if I come to chat, and talk about my As death so much, maybe people are sick of hearing it, and for that I offer an apology, after 12 yrs of dealing with his alcoholism and substance abuse, only to throw his life away, was a terrible thing to deal with and is on my mind.

ROSIE_____ kat i had to "talk about my abuse and talk about it and talk some more" UNTIL i didn't have to "talk about it so much" U talk as MUCH as U have to....isn't this a support group???? isn't the chat room a place to get out feelings????? i am sure i made folks tired of hearing me vent/ rage about my perp, but i had to do it...and if they didn't like it??? that is why there is the understanding "take what works...leave the rest" and anyway, i am taking care of me..keeping the focus on me...and too bad if anyone doesn't like it...as long as i am not attacking anyone else?? i am ok, and i am going to "do what i gotta do" to take care of me

as to the remark??? i HOPE that is a mis type....for that person's sake, i hope SO...talk about making bad karma for themselves??? i truly believe what we do to others, we do TEN fold to ourselves.....that person will get a lesson in love/compassion they wont' forget and in order to help that?? i pray for them...i ask HP to "reveal to them the things they need to be loving and compassionate"........i do that with my nasty horrible brother who repeatedly says similiar things TO me!!! i just ask god to "take care of him" as i remove myself from him......i trust that "what goes around DOES come around" NONE escapes karma!!!! peace/ rosie

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((( Kat ))))))))

I too am shocked & like others that have responded thus far, wasn't in the meeting last night or the chat room.

There have been times that I have gone to chat & freaked out on someone for a remark when I was hurting, or just left, which is worse IMHO I'd rather confront someone for being rude or insensitive. I have even freaked out on the behalf of someone else. When u come in, in a lot of pain as I know I have done many times, even a harmless comment can cut.

I'm sorry this happened to you ~ I talk about suicide sometimes because I have tried it twice. It is not a funny thing to joke about ~ it truly only shows the immaturity level of the person that said it, so consider the source & just think about it that way.

The Board is great, I hope u keep posting; the meetings also I find are run strictly & such a remark in a meeting would more than likely get them thrown out.

In open chat, it is a free for all & ppl are in different stages of their recoveries & we all come from such varied backgrounds & unique experiences in terms of what kinds of abuse we have suffered through this terrible disease.

I have been in & out of al-anon for over 20 years, doesn't mean I know any more or less than anyone else, just that I know we all handle situations & ppl differently.

I'm extremely sensitive, it bugs me when ppl tell others they have to get to a F2F asap or anything for that matter. For me to come to on-line meetings is a big step for me, I went to F2F 20 yrs ago. Others swear by their F2F groups. I like the on-line meetings because I feel I can be even more open, more honest, no one is looking at me pitifully, I can cry & scream, fidgit & not disrupt anyone.

I'm naturally high strung & irritable, so call me moody, nonetheless I am confrontational & sorry such an insensitive remark was made to you. I often talk to ppl in PM, just cuz there are so many convestaions going on at once & often a newbie gets "jumped on" ~ I have felt like many times that I was having to defend myself, which no one ought to have to do in al-anon anyway.

The few ppl I have had problems with in chat, I certainly recall & just don't let them get to me. Sadly, some members have left over the chat room - u just have to remember none of us can know what you have gone through, as we can't relate to many other ppl's experiences. I just try to let chat wash over me, like water off a duck. I have gone in there distressed 7 wanting to share, vent & ppl just act goofy & irreverant - just something we can't control & I know I can't expect to get 'anything' really out of open chat.

This is when I post at the Board, when I have something very specific I need to get out.

Hang in there & I hope to see you in the nightly meetings. I'm so sorry to hear about ur bro, I have been there in that utter despair & hopelessness.

love, -K

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kat the chat room is not the safe place it used to be sadly. I am sorry you
were hurt. There is no excuse for it. The room used to be a place to discuss, share ,
and vent and get support.

If I were you, I would write to John, tell him the time and day you were in there
and this happened. He can research it and find out exactly what happened. It may
be possible this person needs to be banned from the room.

Give John some time as he is busy.

I love the message board. I personally am here for alanon, not being in chat. If
chat was like it used to be, the whole room would stop and support anyone
needing to get back to program talk. We would stay there until the person was readly to joinin on our "fun" crazy stuff or they would check out of the room.

We had a main group that was so much fun. We laughed all night long. It got lots
of us thru some pretty horrible times. I am not sure how it all came to an end. I
do miss it though.

Anyway.. hugs, love,debilyn

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

Kat - you have been coming long enough to know that the majority of us care about you and know directly about your situation before this post. I am so sorry as room moderator that you were left to feel so uncomfortable. Please keep coming back, and just remember to take what you like and leave the rest. I know it is hard to forget a comment like that, leaving things behind is crucial to your recovery if they are hindering it.

josey

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

One more thing I forgot to add Kat.

I've been in the room once when it was silly to the extreme and someone came in and needed the room for it's more serious purpose. Somehow that person got lost in chaos.

When they left the chat room, I know the mood of the room was immediately somber. I know it was discussed how it could be avoided in the future and since then I notice ops and sometimes others, asking "Does anyone have an alanon issue they need to discuss?" once in awhile when it gets silly.

I'm soo sorry that you had that experience but I hope you still come in when you need that immediate and/or after hour support. One of the things I love about the board and chat is that I can find support and all hours.

Bob

kat4u · Veteran Member

I used to love it here, and thought I was loved back, guess I was wrong..if anyone questions the valid death of my brother, Michael Losicki, I will be glad to provide the funeral home, the police reports, the coroners report, the cemetary where he is buried, plus police photos which are graphic and horrible, something I will have to live with the rest of my life...now who thinks suicide is so funny. 12 yrs of alcoholic behavior and loving him and not the disease was more than I could take sometimes..Ive no problem with hilarious behavior and fun times in chat, that is exactly what I need...I want so much to join in at time..don't feel guilty ..its just that I don't like to be told to become more miserable or suicidal..that was wrong especially when my loss was so recent...and Im still struggling to regain who I was before and the incredible loss I had, I really thought Michael was going to make it, to survive his disease. I never saw this coming, and having someone tell me to become suicidal was beyond belief...I thought we were here for each other...hurt.

kat4u · Veteran Member

I don't have a problem with hilarity in the room or being silly or humor, We sure do need it after what we have all been through with the As in our lives. Death did not stop the problems...in fact added to my guilt, my failure, and my hope in fighting the disease that took my brother away from me..I didnt say I was suicidal, Im not, I had been yrs ago, just like Michael, thats why it has affected me so. To be told to pray that I become more miserable and more suicidal, was maybe an attempt to get me into alanon f2f meetings which I haven't had the nerve to attend yet...I don't know if I should since the main A in my life is now gone...I still have to deal with my "dry drunk" father however.The remark was not misspelled, it was intentional , not sure why...I did question the remark, from the sender, and was told to lighten up. Death is something that is not easy to lighten up from. It was 2AM, I couldn't sleep, all this was on my mind, and I just wanted to vent or maybe just listen...wish I had never said anything at all now. The meetings here are wonderful, not a problem...some times I m too shy to say anything or nervous about getting the floor...but it always works out. If anyone questions the death of Michael, my brother, I will be glad to provide the info, funeral home, police report, even the grave yard where he is buried. Im not doing this for drama, I came here for assistance in coping with the end of my As life, and dealing with it , one step at a time..is there anything in the 12 steps about death...this is the ultimate detachment . And Im sorry, but I miss my brother, not the disease that took him...Not sure about free chat especially after hrs again..think it would be safer to surf...maybe distract myself and my feelings that way..how can I trust again? thanks for your support everyone...

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kat)))

I wasn't in the room when this took place, but what I do know is that you have been in chat many times and we have listenened and loved you time and time again, unconditionally.

To let one person's comment make you turn away from the chat and even f2f when there are many of us that have spent hours with you is a real shame.
I understand that it was unjust and uncalled for, but what about your 100 or so other friends that welcome you with open arms?

Remember us?? :)

Christy
Cjo

DanaAngel · Senior Member

Kat,

From my perspective that remark seems to have stemmed from someone who perhaps did not know the seriousness of your venting. I know there have been times I have been in the chat room and sometimes feel that people aren't too interested in what I have to say. I used to take it quite personally, but now I view the chat room more like the TV set. If thing are just too silly or hurtful or whatever, I can simply say bye for now and log out of it. For a little while I was mostly reading the posts on the message board instead. I just take what I need and leave the rest.

Dana

kat4u · Veteran Member

I know there are so many nice people there...and I do appreciate it, the letters are bigger than I they were before..so I didnt misinterpret what was said, just kind of taken unaware of it, and then naturally pretty shocked, I mean, not many people would think of suicide as a joking matter nor wish it upon someone else..and believe me, I told that individual that very fact. I don't feel comfortable going there anymore which is a shame, because I really missed it, when the whole thing was being remodeled, and I was having trouble getting in. Now I could care less if I get in or not...I think maybe the board is the way I should communicate. It feels better. I enjoyed talking to others..and sometimes I just needed a friendly comment. Not a discussion, and Im certainly not against the silliness or laughter, that is something we all need, and I sure do, its hard to find humor after such darkness...but I need to, as well as most of us who have been through such horrors with the As in our lives. I can't even begin to tell you half of what I survived, and many of you share this with me. I love the jokes, the goodness of people there. I remember going to free chat in tears, and having lots of comforting thoughts and wishes toward me..now I feel like a stranger again. Not even sure if alanon is the place for me, since Michael is dead...he was my main A, and I felt terrible and still do, since he took his life..the ultimate end of a tragic and sorrowful life..and Im left to survive. I don't want to be the queen of sorrows...I want my life back..I really do...never ever thought this would happen...not in my wildest dreams...I used to hear of a truck in the river, and thought i should call the police that might be Michael, I just knew something would happen to him,but not quite like this...I have to accept what I couldnt believe. I'm mad that my A dad is still alive...that the man who abused us goes on and gets part of michaels estate...lives the good life, as we struggled on with the baggage he left on our shoulders...never to be free, but I ve tried to work on it, to make myself a priority which is not easy, when you bend and bow..most of your life just to survive. well making a book here...just feel asured Im not mad at you, just disappointed in the one person who ruined it for me...said you talked to your sponser? Hmmmm let me ask you this...were you drunk or under the influence while in chat? ty just wondered.

kat4u · Veteran Member

No bobump, never mentioned myself feeling suicidal..just mentioned my brother, and how hard it was for me to decide to actually go to a f2f meeting on my own..had nothing to do with suicidal feelings, it was mentioned to me tha this person was hoping I feel more miserable..assuming that meant it would drive me to a meeting, or that I would become suicidal...like Im sure that would drive me to a meeting...Im assuming all this...with good intentions...

but toughlove is not what I needed if that was what that was all about...I felt it was cruel and mean-spirited..if you ever lost someone and found them the way I did you would understand truly..

yes , take what you want and leave the rest...I am really leaving the rest, and detach, detach detach...

kat4u · Veteran Member

sorry, ending the drama here..don't want anymore part of it...its done and over, I will see you on the posts..ok, and I'm ok with that..I'm so far pretty stable with it all, I got through a real anger phase, with my father, Im stable with that now..when the estate issues arise again..in the next few mos..Im sure I will need you again, my friends, thank you for opening your hearts to me once again...take care and I will pray for each and every one of you..you are the greatest. I'm going to get through this somehow...I know I can...There is a lot of comfort in knowing I wasn't the only one going through an abusive childhood, and still feel those feelings as an adult, and seeing death at its worst, was far more than I could handle..thanks to you Im better and the support of all ...thanks a lot..see you later Im sure...hugs, kat

kat4u · Veteran Member

done with the free chats..you can have them. I'm sticking to the meetings and that's all, think those are just wonderful, thank you for the good work..

John_R · Veteran Member

Hi Kat,

I was there when the remark was made, and found it in very poor taste. I was also a little baffled by the failure of the person who made it to apologize for what was clearly (at the very least) a social gaffe. The person then blew off criticism from a second person who was very upset by it, who had also lost a close friend to suicide last year. I spent awhile in PM trying to calm that person down.

I hope you will come back, and understand that everybody here has issues... sometimes unfortunately those issues keep people from making good choices about what to say. (I am probably guilty of this from time to time myself.)

jmr

kat4u · Veteran Member

Thanks John,

I appreciate your remarks, and I am sorry someone else got their feelings hurt as well, I am glad you were there to talk to. It's a shame that had to happen that way, not sure why. I'm sure I focus on things I shouldn't too, while in chat. I'm going to wait awhile before I come back in, still in grieving, so feelings are too tender. That may have been part of the problem. Thanks for your input. I'll still be at meetings..not open chat. kat

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.