The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is in an intense aversion medical program. Really intense. Self induced after coming to grips with personally how bad off he was.
As a result, he is going to be over sensitive to anything with even a wiff of scent. I am a person who loves the tastes in moderation. I love him, and want him to get better so will do the "clean house" deal. But in the end, I resent him for imposing something on me I didn't want or need. It's his problem, but he's making it mine! The only worse thing I could think of is taking chocolate away! LOL
Karyn: My boyfriend got ill a year ago with two illnesses (One of them related to his addiction). I have felt immense resentment at the sacrifices this has caused for me in terms of my savings and my time and energy. He is an alcoholic so totally into self pity about his illness. I have my own illnesses tremendously bad ptsd and asthma among them. He had very little sympathy or compassion for my illnesses. He has no concept of how limited some of my mobility can be at times. When we meet each other in resentment I don't think it makes for a very healthy environment. Thankfully my boyfriend's illness is now in remission it may not always be that way. I have some respite to look ahead to do I want to live with someone who has very little compassion for me when I am sick and a great deal of entitlement when he is.
I know my boyfriend's illness was thrust on me at a time when I was already thinking seriously of leaving him and a way out. I felt guilty about that and felt that I should help him. Now I am in a place where I want to be able to help him without indictments against myself. As he is still "using" the likelihood is that his illness will worsen and his other illness that is alcohol and drug related will worsen. I am not sure i want to take that on with my own severe challenges. I no longer feel guilty about that and I no longer have such issues with setting limits and telling him to get support elsewhere. I am tired of being punished for not being Mother Theresa.
Alcoholics can have incredible entitlement issues. I hope you will take care of yourself learn limits and come to meetings to meet people who have been where you are and lived through it.
The thing that keeps coming to my mind when I read you post is choices. Your husband can make suggestions on what could be healthy for him at this time. You have the choice to take that suggestion and make whatever changes in your life that you feel able to do.... or not. Relationships/marriages are made up of give and take. When there is an illness there is never an equal give and take. I know that it is better for me to make a sacrifice without there being a resentment, and if I can't, then I'm just trying to apease my partner which isn't a healthy choice for me. Sobriety does bring about changes in a home, good and not always so good. I do know that we can be pretty good naggers when our partner isn't seeking sobriety, yet when they do, we still have to prepare ourselves for the changes that come our way or we will continue to "nag" about something anyway.
Glad you could vent... and glad you can come here to reason things out!
at least he is getting help! my father thinks it is below him to seek treatment. he says he will just quit drinking. but the very next day he is getting drunk and passing out. and still he refuses to go.
i know it is imposing, and i am not sure how it is. i know in my situation at xmas dinner, my sis brought him to my house early in the morning (before he could drink) and then i hid all the alcohol, so he went a whole day without drinking. it sounds kinda bad now, but at least we had one whole day of sobriety with my dad.
this won't work with you b/c you live with him and you can't just hide things. but do what works best for your family. i'm confident you'll make it work
My a is also a drug addict. So I have to have a very "clean " house. I know I can't keep him from using, but I do try to be careful so there are fewer temptations. I don't cook with marinades bought from the store because there is alcohol in many of them--I know the actual alsohol burns off, but we decided not to chance it. He can't take cold medication or anything. My son is on a prescription for ADHD--right now we are using a nonstimulant, but soon I think I am going to try a stimulant because what we are using isn't helping anymore. If I do decide to do this I won't keep the prescription at my house--I will probably keep it at my work. To some this may seem like I am over doing it--and I might be trying to control too much! This is how we have decided to handle things.
He still has his slips with drugs--he has been alcohol free for over 4 months. I know I can't control his using/drinking but if I can help him in his struggles I will do so. This does make things inconvenient for me at times, sometimes I really wish things were different, but for us this is how we deal with it.
Good luck in finding a way that works for you all. Just an aside--are there some friends you could go out with once in a while that would give you a chance for the taste so maybe you wouldn't feel like you were having to do without (that might cut down on the resentful feelings--although my resentful feelings just come because I always feel like I have to be the grownup responsible one and I would love it if for just a little while someone would take over care of everything!)
Glad you found this site--even if I didn't say anything helpful there are plenty others here who have had a lot more experience than me, and might give better insight and encouragement!
I'd like to offer up a bit of a compromise..... Perhaps there is a time period, say of a month or so, that your A is going to be "extra sensitive" to the smell, and you may want to consider not drinking at all during that time.... I don't think you "have" to give up anything long term for him....
For me, I quit drinking, in support of my then active wife, about five years ago... She eventually got sober, and our marriage subsequently failed, but I have never gone back... To each his or her own on that one, me thinks...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks to everyone who has replied thus far or will reply in the future, your input is greatly appreciated! After I posted, I thought how horrible and selfish I must have sounded, but from the feedback, it sounds like many others have had to manage similar feelings. I'll watch out for the entitlement issues, though in our case I think he likes to play "poor me" and seek babying and attention. At least he did before...no telling what I'll get when he is sober. I do know that I will supportive of his choice to be sober, but will not allow a pity party, ha ha. I've had difficult times in my life and know that ultimately it is up to the individual to take control of their own life, no one else. Doing so makes a person stronger, wiser and far more self confident! Thanks again!
Sorry to hear you had to go to such lengths just to have your father around and awake for a day, it's sad what you had to do to accomplish this though. I wonder if he even "got it"?
About a month ago, my husband took his son (my step son, who does not live with us) 9 hours north by car to help look for housing at a new college he was going to go to. Sounds nice? Not. He tried to drive, but my step son could tell he was not lucid, and took over the wheel. During interviews for potential rental houses, my husband kept raging on that his son was a loser. Later that day, after all possibility of any house was lost, my husband had raged on, then passed out on the bed of their hotel room butt naked. My step son called me from outside the room and told me what happened and wanted me to get someone to do an intervention. (He didn't know that they could backfire!). I was mortified upon hearing the story! He had never been that bad around me... They left the next morning very early, like 3am to come home...my step son drove. He's not going that college now thanks to his Dad.
I think that was the breaking point, and I think my step son told him off. One of the 2 step daughters I have won't even speak to him certainly in part because of his drinking, the other part being that even since before their divorce she sides with her Mom, who my husband has huge anger issues towards that he is unwilling to let go of.
Point is I guess, that it can contribute to the breaking up of families, so whatever you can do to hang on to them, try. Sometimes often something stupid has to happen before any wake up call will ever get through I guess! Too bad.
