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Hi I am new to the board but not to the sorrow of living with a beloved person who is alcoholic.
He relapsed a couple days ago after 2 years of sobriety. He is nearing end stage and this just blew his position on the liver transplant list. In my panic, I demanded he return to treatment but for lack of an immediate opening, he had a chance to allow his denial to convince himself that he has no problem whatsoever. I know it is wrong to "demand" but his health is such that he will die very soon. I am very frightened as he has, only by God's grace, survived 4 major esophageal bleeds the last 5 years. I am trying to accept the fact that this next bleed will likely kill him.
As part of my plan to love and support him, I have to accept the fact that he refuses help and allow him to experience the consequences of his drinking. Is it wrong to ask him to help get our financials in order in the event of his death? I've written him a letter asking for power-of-attorney, a will, etc when the time comes. I make no demands of course, but just matter of factly explain that these issues are important. We keep separate money and I really don't know what will be available to me when he dies. There is no life insurance of course due to his poor health. I have two great teenagers from my previous marriage that I must finish raising. I also own a small, struggling business and and our home; I am so afraid of losing everything. He is generous but has always been quite possessive about "his" money so I am intimidated to approach him about it. We are comfortable now, but my income will be reduced by about 2/3 when his is gone. My feeling is that albeit the disease has him in denial and he will not seek help for himself, I hate his decision, but for my own sanity I cannot continue to beat myself up over it. Hence my reason for trying to detach myself from his problem and focus on my needs.
These issues may be addressed in meetings but I have not participated in the past so I don't know. I am fortunate that he is a very loving husband, I have not suffered any physical or verbal abuse. Just the emotional turmoil of seeing his health decline due to his disease. Any comments regarding getting finances in order is appreciated.
Hi CLJ firstly bigs hugs for you from Australia. You are doing the right thing the only person who you can help at the moment is yourself. It is okay to meet your own needs and prepare yourself financially. It sounds to me as if your husband is too sick to be able to make sound decisions on anything at the moment. Try and consult someone in a legal capacity you may be able to get free advice from a helpline about getting things put in place to secure your own immediate needs. I am not sure how things work where you are. In the meantime I will pray that your A does not suffer too much and HP sends you the strength to get through this. Luv Leo x
I admire they way you are handling this. Heck I get angry when my A goes into the hospital w/ a lung problem and smokes and she is not even close to death. I really need to work on detachment huh?
It sounds like you are detaching and doing so with love but also trying to cover your behind at the same time. Keep doing what you are doing. In regards to legal, I've found that many lawyers offer a free consultation. Maybe you can try a couple for different perspectives. That is what I've done.
As for detachment, it comes up alot in meetings. You might consider coming to meetings to hear how others detach and also to share how you have as well.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I must say that what really hit me a lot last year was the funeral of George Best who could not stop drinking and did so much damage to his life. I heard some of the eulogy's at his funeral (which was on the BBC) and it was tremendously sad for me in looking at that life so damaged by his inability to get help and stick with it. I identified with it in many ways because of course I always want to do things my way. I can have that kind of belligerance too. I can be willful as well. George wanted it all on his terms I thought and he certainly had a phenomenal funeral. At one time in my depressions I thought a lot about my funerals and how people would remember me. I wonder if alcoholics feel that way as they take their bodies off the planet. I am sure they do all bound up in self pity. I was enormously saddened and angered by George Best's life and I can only imagine what you are going through in dealing with a man who refuses to stay sober. Choosing to die is a very difficult thing to witness. I have seen neighbors choose to die, one an alcoholic who chose to go on drinking till he died, another a neighbor whose depression was so bad she chose not to have medical treatment.
I know one of my aunts once told me that I should prepare ahead of time for when my mother died and I did not take her seriously and then my mother died and all hell broke loose over her estate. I had an attorney but not really the best one I could get.
As his wife you are doubt entitled to whatever money he has. If he has made a will you can surely contest it if he has written you off or given substantial sums to other interests. It would be in your best interest to have a durable power of attorney for financial reasons as well as health reasons. Your husband is no doubt aware that he is terminal if he is up for a liver transplant maybe a social worker there can point you in the direction of attorneys who can help and ways to ensure that you are proteced financially.
I am glad that you are here and willing to seek help for yourself. You surely do deserve compassion support and understanding at this difficult time for you.
welcome (((((clj)))))))) glad you found us. i think you are a very strong person and believe you are doing the right thing. in fact i suggested that my a tell his addict mother to help him start planning her funeral if she refused to go to detox. (she ended up going and is recovering miraculously) anyways you are facing something so difficult but you must take care of yourself and it looks like you are doing it. this is wonderful for you. you are in my prayers and i wish you the best of luck. keep coming back
your sis in recovery
notsonew:)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
