i apologize in advance...my laptop is about done and doesnt like punctuation so forgive the strange way i am writing. Am I too sensitive? On the other thread I started a couple of days ago, I mentioned someone had called to tell me: this just is not working for me so Im shutting this whole thing down...referring to interaction with me. The reason was because I had confused her in the message i had left on her machine and i supposedly violated the traditions in asking if anyone would be interested in starting an in-depth step study amongst the dual recovery people. She had been taught by my former sponsor to set boundaries this way. I felt like some guy broke up with me by saying: I am just not that into you. I was devasted at the time because I had been crying at the Alanon meeting about my sons death that same day which meeting she attended. I have never had anybody break up with me in the program so did not recognize the oncoming truck until I was flattened. Well, the saga continues.

 

I talked to my only friend here who is fairly new to alanon about teaching people this kind of language is appropriate for setting boundaries in Alanon. I explained why i thought it was not healthy boundary setting but rather was kind of passive-aggressive.we reached a détente I hope. Why does a boundary even need to be set in telling a fellow alcoholic/alanon you want no personal contact with them at meetings or on the phone.  Its sort of like going around the meeting room and telling people I do not want to talk to you, or you, or you. Who on earth would ever go back to such a meeting? Well I am not.

 

This has all occurred because several women gossiped and criticized me outside the meeting rooms and jointly decided I had violated the traditions by suggesting starting an in-depth step meeting that women in both alanon and AA would be allowed to attend. since almost all the women in my Alanon group also attend AA this was nonsensical to me. Does that mean there are no open step study groups in either AA or Alanon? If so, its news to me.

 

The irony in all this drama going on behind my back is that in starting their own step study when i cannot attend, there will be alanon women at the meeting since they are double winners too! my physical recovery started in AA but my spiritual and emotional recovery occurred only in alanon. So I feel screwed.  I can not handle this schizophrenic view of the 2 programs. Am i an alanon or am i an alcoholic today? I had hoped I could start another Alanon group in my town but that hope is clearly shot down. I am now doubly sad this week and have no one to talk to. I will miss Alanon and hugs. They clearly want none of my 60 years worth of combined program experience strength and hope. I cannot even find another alcoholic or alanon to call me back when I try to reach out. Wow. all for asking if anyone was interested in starting a step study.

 

BTW, the person who said I am shutting it all down(referring to phone and in person communication with me) called me on the phone and woke me up this morning to tell me that she wanted me to take the book she loaned me to the meeting room and leave it and she would pick it up later when i wasnt around!

 

For cripes sake, god forbid i should confuse anyone or death by shunning will ensue. Am i over reacting? I am pretty sure i am obsessing. i just really need someone to talk to.

 

You guys have been my rock and I cant thank-you enough.

I am a little uncertain as to what would be a private step-study group versus a public one and what happened exactly, and also not very sure of all the traditions about this kind of thing.  So I will leave that to people who know more.  But my observation is that of course we in Al-Anon are not always totally on top of things and balanced yet and of course that applies to others as well as to ourselves.  And one of the things we Al-Anoners have gravitated to in our pasts is drama.  It would not surprise me if the woman you've been dealing with has been practicing applying boundaries and so goes overboard.  That is certainly what I did when I first figured out about boundaries.  And also if it provides drama, it would be even more appealing and familiar to many of us.  So if she had overstrong boundaries + a love of drama and you'd get a pretty strong reaction from someone.  I guess my observation about the whole system would be that you don't have to participate in any drama you're invited to.  You could take offense and never attend those meetings again, and it would avoid some discomfort and awkwardness, but it would also heighten the intensity of the situation.  What if you just reacted calmly and showed up and carried on and looked out for yourself and looked upon some of the others as works in progress, and focused on magnifying the recovery and minimizing the drama?  That might be a productive way forward?

Thanks guys for the input. my phone message was a response to her phone message of some length that i had violated the traditions after she and the other group members had discussed this amongst themselves and decided this. she was the messenger apparently for the consensus of these people whoever they were. it is un likely there was a problem with a detailed message. her husband has longterm sobriety and is very supportive of her. if there was a guest in her home why would she be listening to their messages on the machine. this idea that it violates the traditions for AAs/Alanons to be in a step meeting together was confirmed by 2 other people. if this were true every step meeting would have to be closed and double winners not allowed. There is only one alanon meeting in town and all of these people attend that too. So yes, not a lot of long term recovery in this alanon group although lots of sobriety in the room. i dont know if they are proposing an Alanon or AA step study. but i think they're wanting it to be AA step which i'm not interested in because those meetings generally dont give me what i need as an Alanon. i have other problems with the alanon meeting such as not having functioning group conscience and having a 'president of the meeting.

i wasnt proposing to have a private meeting in people's homes. i had been in one like that about 20 years ago that was very helpful. it lasted an hour and a half or 2 hours and anyone was welcome. Cant remember why we met in our homes probably because our meetings were longer and we would have had to meet in the clubhouse with guys wandering in and out or for comfort maybe. its hard to sit around a table for 2 hours in bad chairs when you're crying! i was not proposing we do that here in this town where we have lots of choices of places to meet. i only made an announcement at the meeting i wanted to start a 12 step study and asking if anyone was interested to talk to me after the meeting. i had not expressed any ideas at all about format or location. i was soliciting interest.

Gosh, cwya. Sure sounds like a group that is pretty toxic from your description with a controlling authority that is not HP.

Thank you so much jerry and grateful for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. i did indeed get to where you describe jerry. its why i needed alanon conversation so bad. i came here hoping and believing there was solid alanon. it had been so long since i'd had any alanons in recovery to talk to that i went overboard, got up on my soapbox to rant for awhile. my sponsor died and the only other alanon i know lives 600 miles away and her life is so full of family and career she only has time to talk every few weeks. this is why i came to the boards for some kind of relief.

i have no other alanon to talk to because they are clearly in need of much better handle on How Alanon Works. its the only book we read so maybe it will start to sink in eventually and if i am careful, quiet, non-judgemental, and focus on me i will get through. it is a very toxic group. its why i wanted and needed a new step study. i had gotten to where you are talking about jerry in my inventory last night and today i just put on a new day and a new attitude and feel much calmer and objective about all of it. i intend to work the steps by myself instead since i cant attend their new step meeting in AA. i need the alanon focus in the steps, not the AA one right now because i am grieving so heavily and feeling so sick with my illness right now so i dont always think or speak well during these times.

i cant seem to figure out how to join the meetings online. can anyone explain it to me in detail? my brain isnt firing on all cylinders today.

most of what we do in the one alanon meeting is read books aloud. there is not much time for sharing and the president takes over and tells people to go back to reading.

This is Not what We do on this side of the world .. Definitely sounds very toxic .. the president ?? Sounds like just One of the problems in the meeting is that there is supposed to be only One Authority .. A loving God as he expresses himself through our group conscience .. The other Sad piece in this is it's the sharing that brings forth the healing; this does not sound like a healing group.

To join the two groups is hard. I believe it was tried up where I am but it never really prevailed. Not sure it's supposed to be joined but of course there is the thought of calling the Alanon World Service Center directly and seeing what they say; sometimes direct communication is the best .. If you want to start a new meeting, you absolutely have that choice as far as my understanding goes. A good idea would be to start one at the Exact Same time as the other; better chance the same will not attend.

And as far as you going, no technically they can't tell you, you can't come. Maybe there's some learning in this .. there are also online meetings: www.stepchat.com there are others there too for instant chat 24/7. If you google, you will also find phone meetings .. Good luck in this .. Wish you could come join us !!

thank you guys so much for seeing how hurtful this was for me. i am fragile right now and just dont need this kind of codependent drama so will be steering clear of this people. i already have my home AA meeting on that day and time and not enough people in the group who would be interested. i guess i'm kind of being a wuss about calling the 2 other people who said they were interested for fear of getting criticized again. Thanks for the clarification grateful2be. i came around to your way of thinking too...that they are in worse pain than me. i'm trying to battle my neuromuscular disorder in the midst of this and just needing a kind word. i am so sad and scared. but my HP always holds me up on eagle's wings and i try to rest with that.

thank you, thank you g2b, apparently a kindred spirit.

Could you hear the music?

yes i heard the music and sang it all the way to mass tonight where guess which hymns they sang. lord you have been our refuge in every age and i will be with you always through every sorrow. Amazing, huh? we got a new pastor who started today. he said he had known a 'marlys' in Dallas. my name is kind of unusual but there's more of us every generation. i told him i had known a marlys in college and asked him if he knew her last name. he said, i kid you not, "oh i wouldn't think you would have known her, she's my age,' i said dont go there dude, and he said; oh oh i mean you're much younger than we are. Bad save. i'm 63 and he's 57! just hp keeping me humble. been a bad week for this stuff and trust me i've been brought down way too many pegs this week. Ah.God clearly thinks i needed it. Besides i now have power over my priest...i'll be able to tease him about it for as many years as he and i are both here. BTW found $450 dollars worth of fab shoes online that i want! it sure is fun to look and then i go to goodwill to exhaust my shopping urges. the women in my family tend to have shoe shopping problems. i once bought 4 pairs of shoes i didnt need then had to sheepishly return them the next day :)))

yes g2b i'm in a much better place. eventually my sense of balance and sense of humor always return no matter what happens to me. THANK yOU HP! THANK YOU ALANON!