"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

RunnerChick · Senior Member

I need help/support - obsessing

karma13 · Senior Member

first of all, I want to tell you you are not alone. I am relatively new in this program, I have been working it for three years. I am still not perfect, but there was a time I would have put up with anything to stay with my A, and I am still with him, but I am working hard to shift the focus from him to me. I am like you, I used to put all my focus on him, what he was doing, how he was feeling, etc. I am still not perfect, but I go to my meetings two to three times a week and I stay aware, when I start thinking about him I try dang hard to put the focus back on myself and take care of me. I believe the reason why I start to look at other people, is I don't want to think about myself and the stuff I need to work on. I still do obsess about others, through awareness I keep coming back to myself and I reach out or I get to a meeting. I keep thinking about peace and serenity. I also don't beat myself up when I have a slip, I pick myself up and move on with my program. These are life long behaviors they are not super easy to change, but they can be changed through awareness and the program. The key is detachment with love, every time I can detach with love I celebrate myself. The key will be your awareness to the present moment. Good luck. Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt that way many years ago about myself in relationship to another person who wasn't an A. He was a very good man. We dated for three years.
I was always afraid of losing him and kept trying to change myself so I wouldn't. It didn't work although I did change. I ended up moving to a different location for a new job. He and I had come to a stalemate as a couple. It took me awhile to realize that I was just fine without him. I did that by getting involved in things I loved, not dating for awhile, and developing more self-confidence in myself and what I could do as a single woman. I learned that unless I could stand alone as a woman with my own interests, my own perspectives, my own friends with the certainty that I would make it in life with or without a partner, I would never feel safe or at home in my own skin or in a relationship. Recovery work, journaling, developing a consistent relationship to my HP together with the other things I noted above all helped me let go of wanting another person to validate me because I had learned to validate myself.

It sounds to me as if you have been working your program and are finding yourself again? Congratulations. You've reached another state of healing.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Runner Chick

Chick Alanon principles practiced in all our affairs works in all our affairs.

Please continue meetings, work the steps with a sponsor and the promises of alanon will take root

STICKY: THE PROMISES OF ALANON

(Preview/Moderate

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Thank you for all your responses.
I feel so vulnerable right now. I know this is the process of opening up, of getting to know each other and I should not sabotage it.

I hate that I can't control it.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Runner Chick~Being self-less is the way I spent the first 40 years of my life. And it's a horrible way to be-I was dependent on others to define me, and with negative feedback I felt destroyed. I can tell you there is a different way to live, but it takes alot of work. At the end of my F2F meetings we say, it can work, if you work it, and you are worth it! All of us deserve self-respect. Give alanon a chance, Lyne

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, runner you can overcome all that you say you are.

Stick with the Alanon program and its tools. Attend face to face meetings, get involved with it. Work it and you

will see the progress and miracles for your life.

Your half way there, you recognize your issues. Good for you.

Now you can take the action to change them.

Keep coming back to MIP

We are your new family of hope.

Hugs, Bettina

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to think such words and slogans were trite and meaningless, but they are so right on the money....

"You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself" - I HATE that one, but mainly because it is 100% true. I struggle with relationships too - only let people in so far, and then WHAM - I put up my walls and don't let them in any further..... Psychologists get to make big $$$ off me, but bottom line is I am not comfortable enough with myself, and who I am.... Until I get there, I don't think I'm going to see any dramatic improvement in my relationships...

Now, all that being said, we have to also remember that we are true "miracles in progress", and we honestly do get some leeway as we "did the best we could with what we knew at the time". SO, long story short, as long as we keep an open mind and willingness to keep on learning, it's all good.

Sorry you're feeling down, but glad you are feeling.... it's all part of your growth process.

Take care of you, and "just for today", do something really cool and fun, just for Heather.

Tom

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Runner Chick
Chick Alanon principles practiced in all our affairs works in all our affairs.
Please continue meetings, work the steps with a sponsor and the promises of alanon will take root

STICKY: THE PROMISES OF ALANON

(Preview/Moderate

DITTO DITTO DITTO....this program, when I swore off relationships, any boy - girl stuff and "married" the program, I changed.....I used to feel like u do...honest....Now??? 180 degree turn...yea, I have my "bad hair" days, but I can work it out....get settled in my steps and literature, slogans..go to a meet...call a recovery mate and I can get level again in short order.....

no more getting enmeshed w/folks.....I have healthier relationships now...the toxins, I either distance myself from or give them over completely........U will come to the place where U R soo "Cool with you" you won't do this to yourself.....keep working the program....there are online meets here, even.....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"