The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before christmas my sister and i had developed what i believed to be a new relationship. Up to that point we had not talked for over a year. We spent christmas together at my parents and things seemed fine. Over the last few weeks we have made plans numerous times to meet for dinner. She has stood me up at least 3 times in the last month. No calling on the day were sopposed to meet and so on. Well, she called last Friday and was half in the bag if you know what i mean. I would like to continue our relationship but am growing tired of all the broken plans. How much father should i reach out to her before cutting her loose again.
You will find the right boundaries to set over time. You will find the right way to say the words, learn lots about boundaries as they are boundaries to protect and shield you not to punish or hurt the other person. You are the only one who knows what you will accept and what you will not. Hang in there, remember we can only control our actions, do things the right way, but it doesn't guarrentee that the other person will act or do what we want. (that part was really hard for me)
bd, the only person in the world I would continue to forgive forever is my sister. The relationship between sisters is a precious one which can never be broken. You may be the giver in your sisterly love, and she may be the taker. But nothing is worth tossing aside your sister. I don't believe a stronger bond exists between any two people, with the exception of our bond with our children. I would certainly gently tell her that you are annoyed at her lack of consideration. Tell her that you would prefer she show more concern and not inconvenience you time and time again. But hold her close in your heart because in the end, our sister is a most treasured possession. Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
YOU________ I would like to continue our relationship but am growing tired of all the broken plans. How much father should i reach out to her before cutting her loose again.
ROSIE_____ i continue with my 2 A brothers....i just don't have ANY expectations of their words to me....like if one says he will call?? i say "ok" thats it...if he calls?? great...if not??? i did not **expect** anythign out of him, so i am not resentful.......i love the two guys...they are my friends...they are sweet to me/ fun to talk with...just can't trust their promises....so i just "love em as is" with NO **expectations** i do NOT depend on them for anything...what the heck i am not married to them, so its ok to enjoy them/ laugh with them/ etc....i just don't "count" on them for anything......i didn't CAUSE their probs i cannot CONTROL them, and i cannot CURE them.......i "live and let live" i do not try to change them/ get them into recovery, they are not interested in recovery, so i enjoy them on the basis of "live and let live" and "let go--let god" i am not going to "cut them off" cuz they are drunks...i am keeping them WITH boundaries.....(no calls to me after 9pm, etc) i set the "rules" "you can drink, but HERE is what i WONT put up with"...............please take what works/ leave the rest/ rosie
Bd: I have been working on my relationships pretty hard as I am looking to be far far more reciprocal these days. I do not like being stood up I have to say and I now ask for a lot more clarification. In my people pleasing days I was really bending over backwards all the time to prove myself. I do not do that anymore.
At the same time I have to say I do far more for the A than he does for me on many many levels. I ask him for more now and I do notice he does some stuff he did not do before but it is still not anything like what he shines on me. I try to watch the "shining" that is the slipping of boundaries like me having to take all the care for the dogs and the housework. I try to ask him to do certain things without being a bitch about it. I have to say it is very hard.
I have heard people talk a lot in al anon about how they set limits with the addicts and I have to say that setting limits with dysfunctional people is hard for me. Setting limits with anyone is hard for me. I have to notice how particular interactions leave me. My landlord for example does this stuff like continually stops talking to go on the cell and expects me to stand there and wait for him to finish. It is too much. So now I don't talk to him too much. It is too hard to stand through a conversation of 10 interuptions he has voice mail. None of the calls are an emergency.
So I keep watching my interactions, keep looking at my reactions (and I know when I go into over reaction I have over extended my boundaries) and keep adjusting my boundaries. I also watch for signs of stress. If I am over stressed I pull back a lot. I am not going into the exhaustion pole anymore.
