The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ok, i am in the s*** house with my sister (we grew up as sisters but are BIO cousins)
anway, her hubby 2 weeks ago, had heart attack....i was at the very same time doing this AWFUL workbook and going into crying /grief mode....i put off MY work, for a couple of days till he began to stabilize...
than we are on the phone, and of course she is tired, grumpy , etc, and here i am doing this workbook and i am in deeeeep pain!!! so i mentioned it to her and we kinda got "into it" over my not being able to "get the god thing right yet" so i told her "look we need a time out maybe till john is home...and i have worked some of this NEW step 4 stuff out..cuz i hurt like a "stepped on turtle---my shell is cracked"
she says ok, than i get this "sort of" nasty email, "Getting on me" about calling her too late at night to start into a subject like THAT........we ALWAYS talk late at night..the time frame on that call was no diferent...she was just NOTICING it this time......anyway, she tells me i am INsensitive to her feelings, and that i need to be more sensible to her feelings....
i email her back , noting that the TIME was not the issue, becuz of past track records, but that she needed her for her....i need me for me...and that i WAS sensitive to her feelings, becuz i was the one calling her checking up on her...and listening, putting my workbook ASIDE till i found out he was stable, enough for me to go BACK to my step 4 work and yeah, i had a "bad pain" day and "sorry i bothered u with it"
i offered to "keep my stuff with the group" and until i cried a bit more over this inner child pain, maybe i need to back off for a bit so i can be more "supportive to her" when we talk....but right now??? i am hurting and i need my group.....
well in addition to u guys, my OTHER sister and my OTHER cousin in addition to my sponser have been comforting me/ kinda supporting me....my sponser has her family et al, and so i was GRATEFUL for this added help from cousin and sister
i tell my sister karen this, and i said something like "guess what??? RUTHIE wants to work out this stuff cuz she is interested in alanon cuz of her A ex".... and isn't that great????
well i capitalized "ruthie" and so karen writes me back, kinda insinuating that "well u capitalized ruth, so i GUESS she is pretty important to you right now".....than she goes on (we are emailing, not talking) to tell me how her daughter in law was "there for her" and she enjoyed her visit....and how john is her soul mate, and that "i try to help others, but i just can't right now".....
i wrote back and told karen, "look its ok, u not being there for me however i had to get MY needs met...U were busy (i totally understand/ support it) however i had to get MY needs met..u were unavailable so i got my needs met ELSEWHERE, and i am grateful that my hp had me go to OTHER sources so icould get MY needs me like U were getting YOUR needs met via your daughter in law...
so i tell her in the end, that we BOTH needed our OWN comforting of our selves, at the same time, we both were unavailable so to me its a "wash" and like nothing to get all "bent out of shape over"
she wants me to feel like the bad guy cuz i wasn't there for her during her time of need, when i put off my workbook stuff for at least 2 days, to comfort her......
i am NOT the bad guy...i was in pain....i NEEDED some tlc....i had NEEDS....i expressed them....didn't get them....so i went ELSEWHERE and GOT my needs met......
she is going to have to "get over it" becuz i was there for her more than she was there for me....i understand in her eyes, i am not lying in a hospital, my wounds are invisible, but i was bleeding from my heart inside, and she just had NO time for me..........i am not mad at her for not wanting to help me, but dang it dont' get mad at me for going else where to get my needs met.........AND calling a "time out" cuz i felt it was best to "back off----detach" till the smoke cleared......
sorry, i had to tell u guys this......i am NOT going to put ME aside to help someone when i KNOW that they have plenty of others who can help, NOT long distance like me.....AND i am here alone, with NOONE near me, so i gotta do what i gotta do.......i am 95% of the time "There for her"......this one time we are both in need, same exact time and i took care of ME........i needed ME for ME.......i guess she will have to get over it....i am not mad at her...i think it was great marilyn was there at her house....i wish i had someone to hold ME!!!!!! so i did the best i could with the hand i was dealt...
I've noticed since I started using the tools of taking care of myself and my own needs that those closest to me don't want me to do so. They are so used to me jumping when they say jump. It will take a while for the people closest to you to accept a healthier you. They will use all types of manipulation, guilt trips, anger, etc to get you to go back to the old Rosie. You did the healthy thing.
These are just suggestions...ask your sister what time is too late to call her and respect her boundaries of what time is too late to call. Respect her feelings without being defensive....this does not mean to put your needs last. Nor does it mean that one of you is right and one of you is wrong...it's just what it is....you both had needs and needed to have them met. Her guilt tripping is HER STUFF, not yours so keep your hands off it and don't pick it up. You did what you could without placing yourself in the self-sacrificing role so BRAVO for that. Healthy change is difficult and even more difficult for those closest to us. Lend her an ear when you can and tell her you will pray for her and her husband. None of us can be all things to all people all of the time. Hugs to you Rosie.
I seem to be going through pretty much similiar situations with people I considered close friends, just about like family. I honestly feel lately like I am under judgement and all out attack by these two people. This has really been on my mind for 2 weeks now, since right after Christmas. I've looked honestly for my part in it.......and I don't see that I have one. I feel I have done nothing to bring on the negativity I have received from them. So my conclusion is that they are going through their own issues right now and it really doesn't have anything to do with me. I refuse to take it personal.
From what you shared you did the best you could and you refused to put your needs on the back burner. That is real progress!! Good for you.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I've been in the place where I have felt the put-upon me guilt for not helping someone else when I was in a place where I could barely help myself. It is a hard and awful feeling. Here we are giving up ourselves to do for others and they still think it is not enough. However, the problem is not that we don't do enough - it is that we do too much.
I don't have firm boundaries yet. When others reach out to me, even if I am in a place of "can't", I do help. I lay aside my own needs and become guilty of neglecting myself. Then if I try to help myself - I feel guilty for not neglecting myself. It is a vicious circle.
Giving to others is wonderful when I am in a healthy place. But I must always remember that I am important!!! I have needs that MUST be met. No matter what others want or need, I need me more than they do. If I give up myself, we all will lose.
So - maybe I can't be there for them and maybe they are so full of themselves that they can't be there for me. What can be done then? Well, for now, I am accepting having my cats to love and some friends to talk to. I still wish for someone to hold me, love me, care for me but right now all I really have is me and my HP.
way to go (((rosie))) for taking care of yourself first. you are whats most important and must be nurtured too.