Alcoholic/addict friend with cancer, how do I deal with that? - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholic/addict friend with cancer, how do I deal with that?

simonpopcorn · Newbie

I have been friends with this person for roughly six years.

She has a history of reckless behavior growing up, which supposedly ended with the birth of her son, but in reality just changed to accommodate him.

She has created an identity as a fearless person who never backs down from life (fun), and would have everyone believe this is because she is a cancer survivor.

I believe that in reality, cancer may be one aspect of her condition, but that addiction has control of her life.

She is a walking contradiction. On one hand, she espouses Crossfit, Whole 30 eating, abstaining from gluten and drinks supplements to ward off cancer and she clearly cares for her autistic son and has helped him make amazing progress with dietary restrictions and advocating for him.

On the other hand, she smokes cigarettes, drinks to excess, pops pills, blacks out and wakes up in situations she can't recall and laughs it all off. Her latest mantra is "That would be an epic way to die!" whenever practicing risky behavior.

She is also an expert at justifying her behavior. She justifies behavior by claiming incidents in her life, such as divorce or loss of a license were behind her unhappiness (instead of perhaps a facet of how addiction shapes her life) . She justifies behavior by claiming ignorance to other people's boundaries or feelings and claims people need to be more blunt, and that she can take it. If you are blunt, she will suggest that perhaps you are mostly just upset because of your own life-problems, but that being an understanding soul, she will work on her end if you work on yours.

I am becoming a cynical person. I used to be in the camp that sang her praises, until I realized that she was using her survivor-status as a platform to establish rapport and respect and build an army of enablers. She seriously can't praise another person's accomplishments without reverting to talking about her cancer as a default. She was once interviewed by a newspaper to talk about my charitable organization, and the story became about her cancer. On another occasion she did a drunken speech at my wedding, called my husband a dick in front of our friends, and then deteriorated into talking about her cancer.

She once admitted that having cancer is a get out of jail free card, but I thought she was just making light of things. Now I realize that she seriously uses it as a reason to party, to do drugs, to ask for other people's prescriptions, to be the center of attention when she feels attention flagging, and to trump others that she feels in competition with.

Today, I finally told her that I felt our friendship was toxic. I said that her behavior had led to me needing to protect myself by establishing boundaries, and that I didn't need to justify that because she is an addict and an alcoholic.

I feel terrible that I just effectively terminated a friendship while the friend is clearly in-need of real-friends, but what I understand about addicts and alcoholics is that they don't value real friends as anything more than a commodity, and that sometimes the only way to help is to let them experience the loss of that commodity.

I'm feeling very conflicted, and am bracing myself for some blow-back. The last time I cut ties, her enablers rallied around her and my business suffered. I also very nearly had a recurrence of panic-disorder, which is also another reason I have learned to establish boundaries and healthy relationships.

It's like this huge taboo to ever say that someone who survived cancer is being a dick, but that's where I am at right now. I'm that person who is pissed at someone with cancer.

feel free to ask me anything, I want to be as transparent as possible in order to deal appropriately with my feelings/this situation.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon meetings, on-line meetings with us, Conference Approved Literature, and MIP can help you focus on you. If your business suffers for awhile, will it bankrupt you or just put you in a position where you have to work harder to build new clientele? No business is worth our sanity in my experience. If this friendship is toxic for you, it is and you have decided you're done drinking in the poison. As far as what she does - well, that's her business. She doesn't have cancer now if she's a cancer survivor. We learn in Al-Anon that we can't control, cure nor do we cause another person's disease, thoughts, feelings or behaviors. It doesn't sound like you respect her or trust her anymore and there's nothing she can control, cure or cause with that either. If I felt the way you feel about another person, I'd have to do exactly the same thing - at least for awhile - to take care of me and let go of them. Welcome to MIP. We've been there. No disease is a "get out of jail card." If her behavior is too much for you - it is.
There's no need to feel guilty because you have limits. Learning to accept and honor our limits is something we help one another do.

lgnutah · Senior Member

Taking care of you may mean distancing yourself from the A---but it doesn't mean you have to do it in a "tell everyone why you aren't the As friend anymore" kind of way. You can discretely manage to be busy (putting more time in at work) or unavailable (taking classes/studying), etc.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Not anywhere in your post did I read you needed this person in your life. That you get anything from them. In fact your defining your relationship as toxic sure sounds true.

It was very brave of you to be honest with this person. It shows you taking care of you. Myself when I find a relationship is toxic, it takes some time for me to heal over the loss. But I always end up feeling better.

There are always people who are going to feel sorry for others. The feed off them. Makes them feel important. We cannot stop that. LIke you did, we can only control us.

I don't know about your business, but again I would give it time.

Also do you see yourself as being inappropriate for not being her friend becuz she has cancer?? That is all that matters. It just does not matter what anyone else thinks. That is their own decision. You again have the right to protect you. If someone asks you can say, why do you ask? I figure they want info for gossip which I am not into. I also might say, oh there was just a problem there.

Besides she is who she is, cancer is not who she is. Its ok not to like her behavior. It's ok to care about her but not be friends.

We do end friendships, and it is ok. Please go easy on you, it was a huge step to take care of you! love,debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Deb on the way you handled this. It takes courage to tell somebody the truth, but in my experience unless I'm on the fence about a relationship, its cleaner and clearer and kinder to do that - for you and for the other person, too. Then, even if there is fallout, there's no unfinished business or ground for guilt and resentments to build. Truth is what it is and denying it or hiding it in the end can give us ulcers.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you did the right thing to end the friendship for now. The hardest part will be to not talk about her to her "minions" and to rise above gossip. This is where you can use the alanon tool of JADE. You don't need to justify, argue, defend, or explain your relationship with this person or your choices to her or her friends at this point.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Debilyn....I didn't see any "plusses" as to why you want , or need her in your life....U said the relationship was negative or toxic., anyway, the point is, you had nothing to argue "for" the "defense" in this case that is her.....I think you did the right thing....U took care of you and your serenity...IF I find a person sucking my energy, disrupting my serenity on a continual basis, its time for me to re-eval the relationship and perhaps ban them to outter circle....like put some serious distance if you don't want to break it off completely.....

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds to me too that you did the right thing to end the friendship for now. When you deal with an alcoholic there is only one way and that is their way. That's how they see it. I hope your business doesn't suffer because of her badmouthing you, but 1. your friends may also see through her trash talk and 2. your serenity is worth the price you may have to pay.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.