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He treats me awful 95% of the time and all I ever wanted was for him to leave.Now that he`s gone all I do is cry cause I miss him...what is wrong with me? I feel like I can`t go on without him when deep down I know I`ve done it for years.Just because he lived here doesn`t mean he was here..does that make sense? I`m so confused and mad at myself for feeling this way.I hope I feel better soon.I will be having a good day then he calls and thats all it takes..my day is ruined.why do I give him that power over me?
Well, being through a bitter divorce myself all I can tell you is don't answer the phone unless you absolutly have to because all you're going to hear is verbal abuse and nonsense, you don't owe him any explinations.
I too wound up missing him (and obviously missing my brain for missing him) so I gave my husband another chance after being separated for nine months and day's away from the final signing of the divorce papers because he "promised" to make-up for all of the hell he put me through. I was soon after taking him back, and still am, a personal doormat just like I was before. Ugh.
Maybe it's the definate loss of "the dream." I held on to that for a very long time.
In any case, you have choices my friend. You can start this day over anytime you want. You can choose a different thought, a different routine, you can choose to work on you and heal.
An open mind will help put things in true perspective.
wishing you well, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your pain is understandable. A break-up is always tough EVEN IF we recognize intellectually that it wasn't working. Don't beat yourself up for feeling how you feel.
What are you doing to take care of you? In my experience, as I have taken better care of myself, it becomes less important what the other person is or isn't doing, and it's less likely someone else can ruin my day.
Remember, you have CHOICES. Sometimes, I've found it useful to write those choices out for myself. Here's a recent least after my recent break-up:
1) Obess from 9-5 about my ex--what they are or aren't doing, why they aren't calling, etc.
2) Focus on my work for the day: study for my exams.
3) Focus on my work for the day: study for exams, and do a few nice things for myself (take a walk, call a friend, etc.)
Guess which one I chose? No.3! Writing it out this way, I saw that No. 1 was not invitable, it was a choice! And when I wrote it out this way No. 1 made me laugh, and be more gentle with myself.
Take care of you and you'll soon start to feel better!
A "death" of a relationship is just that .. a death. We grieve over what could have been, what we wish had been, and even grieve over what was. Give yourself a break. Love yourself!
I was having the same exact feelings today. My A husband and I are separated. We talk frequently and have spent time together. I am not sure where this is going to go. Every day it is difficult. I do not want a divorce but I do not want to live the way I was living. He is sober, 30 days today, but we have been down this road before. I think that I need to take the road as far as it has gone before and then see what turn to take. He wants me to believe that things are different this time, yet all I hear are the same things I have heard before. But this time I am doing things differently. It is soooo hard, and it truly stinks a lot of the time. So what do I do, well, I keep coming here, going to meetings, trying not to beat myself up too bad. Keep coming back. Do something good for yourself today... You deserve, we have been to hell and are on our way back.. a few nice things for ourselves along the way will certainly help to ease the load.
Aloha Allison...Sorry you're down in the dumps and awareness and knowledge do bring some sense of relief and can't change the situation. Why? Living with and trying to love an alcoholic takes a very big investment. I invested almost my entire self and I had huge expectations over and over again about how things were going to come out. Why? because I convinced myself that I "needed" her in order to be happy. Why? I wasn't created to be alone, that I should have a mate/spouse/partner/significant other and I chose her, I made a commitment and don't like people to think I would cop out on a commitment. Why? because I got use to the abuse. I got use to the adrenalin of the battle, I got use to the idea that some day I would win. Why? because even though I hurt from all the craziness and insanity I still had hope that "we" would make it. (She still had hope that she could drink without getting in trouble. We were both asking why?) Why? I got use to what I had and couldn't think of changing for any reason. Why? because in the definition of alcoholism it mentions, "...We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic because we do not have he anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality." We become addicted to the alcoholic as the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Fixing the alcoholic and having her well and happy (not her choice mine. She chose to drink over any other thing.) was my compulsion of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Trying to fix her was my fix and I sold my entire spirit for that.
This is why for me and after she was gone I found another to try to fix and then another. Not a great picture but then things are different today. It was suggest that I get to as many meetings in 90 days and I did (over a hundred). It was suggested that I work the steps, I do. It was suggested I get a sponsor, a person who's recovery inspires mine and who has something I need. I do. It was suggested that I listen and not speak in meetings for the first 90 days. Ahhhh this one was hard, cause I was into poor me, blaming, judging every one else but myself and I had to be strong armed and humbled into this suggestion. Besides my ego thought that I was the most intelligent man in the state, great looking too!! and so able to fix anyone elses (except mine) problems. It was suggested that I get into service for a group. I do. Funny how supporting another like me helps me heal. A n y h o w. I learned alot of recovery along the way and although I can still practice caring for others this also includes myself. I do not let my mind, body, spirit and emotions become a sacrafice to the disease of addiction. Loving another person doesn't mean making them responsible to my happiness or sadness and letting go of the alcoholic is allowing them the dignity of the consequences of their choices. All of this smart stuff was given to me from other recovering Al Anons. I didn't have to be smart. I just had to listen, learn and then pray for the courage to practice it over and over and over.
Funny thing? I learned that there is no answer to the question why if I wasn't openminded enough to learn that it was my choice to get involved with an alcoholic in the first place. I always had a why before I came to accept. I love the alcoholic and wish the very best that God/HP could ever bless her with and I don't need her. Today I am solely responsible for my happiness, sadness, ups, down, wins and losses. I am free from fear and free to choose the consequences I want.
Thank God I let you have the short version. Why? is a subject that usually takes me ohh several weeks to get over.
Ask your Higher Power to hold you because you miss the alcoholic's embrace. It works. And keep coming back here to the family. (((((hugs)))))
Allison: One thing I do try to do is to put the stick down and stop beating myself up. I can shoulda coulda woulda myself all away.
Whatever I am feeling about the a and most of the time I do try detachment because he can be incredibly frustrating at the best of times I really try to keep the focus on me. I used to wonder what people were talking about when they said take care of you. Now I try to work on what that might mean.
I have been where you are. This is the time you start doing all those little things you have been putting off. Reorganizing, budgeting, taking a walk, painting your nails, coloring your hair, reading a book, buying magizines and reading them, lighting candles, baking cookies, calling a friend and chatting for a long time, laying in bed and watching a movie, doing a craft, learning a new hobby, go window shopping, make a cup of cocoa, the list goes on and on and on. I found that I started liking me more and more.
