The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'll be 50 next year but still I look for someone to take care of me. For example my Dad use to be the one who locked up the house at night growing up. I expected my A husband to do the same but realized a while ago that he cant do this. He puts himself to bed and thats it. We dont even say goodnight to each other. I do say "Goodnight, love you" to our son a few times every night though, its like a little joke.
Well yesterday an Engine light came on in my car while I was out. I immediately brought the car back home and asked my A husband to take a look. He stood there while I got out the manual. I then took the car for dry gas and a better quality gas. As I was leaving I said to him "Thanks alot for nothing. I did it myself". Im finding there's more and more that I do for myself now. He's useless. (still dont know if the dry gas will help but at least I gave it a try).
This was on my way to an AlAnon meeting that A has no idea Im going. But there was no way I was not going to the only F2F I attend weekly. Guess Im getting better.
I relied on my husband to get me cars and then maintain them during my 14 year marriage.
When my last car was making wierd noises I asked him to listen and he could not be bothered. Sure enough, within 2 months the transmission went and he had the car towed to the junkyard.
He said we could not afford to buy another car.
So I bought my co-wokers bike and rode it 7.5 miles to wok every day. Rain, snow, cold, hot.
I rented enterprise cars on the weekend $9.95 to get to my alanon meeting.
A pivitol point in my recovery came May 05 when I took the train to the subway to the Bronx and bought a truck from my sil’s dealership.
Freedom never tasted so good as when I had no vehicle for 1 ½ years. And ya know, the finance guy said I could easily afford the truck.
Keep working on YOU Barbara
In recovery
Megan
In hindsight, which is almost 20/20 I should have taken the car to a mechanic but that was such a foreign thing to do it never entered my mind
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I am so glad that you keep coming back. I was following someof your posts and prayed that you would not give up on alanon or this room/board. Just wanted to let you know that someone out there in cyber space is thinking about you and praying that you will continue on your own road to recovery.
Yes Barbara, and isn't it enlightening? You CAN do things for yourself, and furthermore, it's probably a lot healthier for you than to be dependant upon you A for such things!! Just another small, but meaningful, example of us learning to take care of ourselves!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Taking that courage to change the things that I can is sure a step in the right direction. Also realizing that your husband isn't capable of doing the things that a healthy spouse could is also an acceptance and growth in your program. Acceptance never means that we have to like it, but we certainly get more things accomplished when we do. Helping our children understand the disease to the best of our ability is also a gift of this program. Glad you were able to share with your son!
I definitely craved being taken care of because my family of origin did not do it. In the beginning the A could not do enough for me. Every little thing, he was very thoughtful. Eventually that fell by the wayside. I do ask him to do occasional things and I know it is actually very difficult for him but he does some things (not much). I can get corrosively resentful about him not taking care of essentials. I have had to let go and work on my side of the street. I just let go of what he needs to do. I no longer nag him or make him do things. Sometimes that is incredibly difficult and I can get enraged. Other days I can let it go and focus solely on me. Taking care of me is such a huge job. I wanted so much to have a family of my own and did not get that. I wanted so much to be with a loving nuturing partner and did not get that. I got a man who needed a tremendous amount of nuturing but I can't solely take care of him because if I do that it kills me.
Growing up I was very spoiled. My father was a very high functioning dry drunk for most of my formitave years. Everything was alwasy taken care of for me. I remember moving into my first non- dorm apartment when I was 19 and I couldn't figure out who was gonna clean it for me. I hardly had a job but I hired a house keeper to come once a week becuase I didn't know what else to do.
It sounds silly but I was never made to do chores of really any kind. And when it came to taking care of things like my car, I'd just borrow another family car while mine was being serviced. I'm 26 and I still drive up to my mom and dad's house 3.5 hours away to have my car serviced. I honestly wouldn't know where to even take it for an oil change.
When there is a boyfriend in my life then he takes care of things like my car, taking out the trash, fixing things around my house.
However, I realize that I've gotten better and learned a lot. For the most part I know how to clean my house and do so on a regualr basis. As much as I'd LOVE to hire a housekeepr I now know that "it's not in my budget" is the same as "get off your ass and learn how to do it yourself." I take out the trash, I pay bills.
What's funny is when you realize how empowering those things are.
