Although recovery is about love and support, what I have understood is that there should be a line drawn, especially if married.  My position has been group business calls are fine, but support calls and text messages with flirty overtones or "I love you" or xoxo crossed the line.

 

 

 

 

HI...I don't think this is appropriate....I had an op sex sponsor....loved him to death, then he got interested in me beyond the   "take care.......hugs"   or the   "see ya later (((N))))"   his text looked like the above....I told him I was not comfortable with that approach...it was then he told me he was intersted in me and that maybe we needed to date and not sponsor-sponsee together...I told him I loved him as a friedn...recovery mate, but not as b.friend....thus the changing of sponsors

I see no prob. with exchanging  (((HUGS)))   and "I love your share"   or  "I love the courage with which you handled......................"    but there are lines drawn...

this is a recovery forum, not a flirt club....I am here to recover...not to flirt or be coy or to be "cute" with anyone....we are here to better our lives

I am not saying that a SINGLE guy and SINGLE girl can't meet in alanon meeting and end up together....I totally have no worries about that.....IF both parties are SINGLE and if they don't lose track of their individual programs..... but married folks???  need to show restraint as far as I am concerned......the above example you had was, to me, inappropriate ....... JUST sayin.....for me it is not appropriate

I agree with the ladies...trust your gut on this one!

I have to agree with others, trust your gut, if it feels wrong or upsetting, there is a reason for that.

I can share this too, there is a man in one of my regular Alanon meetings who is wise and charming. He is in "both programs", and always has wonderful insight to share with our group. I enjoy his shares, and have gained lots of understanding of the mind of an A, as he describes his view of the world, as a recovering A who is now struggling with his active A family. The thing is, he flirts, and sometimes makes slightly sarcastic comments about things I have shared about my AH and my situation. We have never talked on the phone, only during breaks, and usually with others. But it is disconcerting to me that he would speak badly about my AH, or make fun of my AH's behavior. I still welcome his group shares, but I've been keeping my distance during breaks, and the last time he made a wise remark about my AHs on again off again recovery, I told him plainly, "I love my husband, and I support his recovery"

I'm learning to trust my instincts more. I love my husband, and even though I don't know what the future holds for us, I know I don't want to get into an inappropriate situation along the way. I'm keeping the focus on me, and my recovery.

I would not be okay with that sort of thing and have to keep program guy friends at arms length so they don't take me wrong. It is a fine line we walk being so vulnerable to each other. Boundaries and detachment even needs to be used with each other especially for me when it comes to the opposite sex. Sending you love and support in a very appropriate way!

Thanks again for all the replies! 

My sponsor said to me "Are you ok with it? that's what matters" and she is right.  I did have this nagging feeling that I was being unreasonable after my husband reacted so defensively and with "everyone does it."  I do feel better that not everyone does it tho   I knew that deep down, but part of me still questioned it.

And thanks for some good laughs and appropriate love and support too! (I loved that breakingfree )

Glad you feel better now, Breezie. Hope you're able to come to some agreement that you and your husband can live with in this situation.

John wrote:

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hmmm... I can only say that I personally feel that if its an area of concern for you, that you are opposed to the private texting, chatting, etc, your husband should respect YOU enough to honor you by not creating discomfort by his actions and behaviors, no matter how "innocent" they are to him.  He needs to establish some of his own boundaries, so as to keep his wife and home happy and comfortable.

23 years sobriety and 14 years Al-Anon have shown me that when the gender mix is taking place in private, on a one on one level, the stage is being set for HURT in a marriage relationship.  Why would a sober man that loves his wife, continue to do something that he knows creates discomfort in the one he loves?  Selfishness, Self Centeredness, Ego?  Not any spiritual principle that is outlined in the 12 step program, that is for sure.

John

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 Thank you John, you really hit the nail on the head for me.  Respect and honesty is the bottom line issue.

The back story here is my husband has cheated on me more than once.  It has been a little over a year now since I found out about his long term affair and how far back into his addiction he had fell.

He was texting one young single woman a lot when he got back in the program and I said I was not comfortable with it and it was hurtful and made me feel disrespected.  he says he doesn't agree but won't do it any more.  Fast forward a month or so, and he accidentally sends me a text meant for her that crossed into what he said he wouldn't do.  Once again, agrees it will not happen again, even tho I'm just making a big deal about it.  

Different (young, single) woman a week ago.  Basically the same answer with "she said I love you first and I felt stuck in a bad place because I knew you wouldn't like it.  You are stronger than her and I figured if you found out you'd get over it easier.". Ouch.  It isn't the text, it is saying he wouldn't then doing it anyway and not telling me he made a mistake.  That is a huge violation of trust.  It is knowing I would be hurt and doing it anyway, then telling me I shouldn't be hurt because it is an unreasonable request in the first place.  That is disrespectful. 

A few days later he said he would forgo doing that even though there is nothing wrong with it.  I ask what has changed, because I have heard the same thing two other times and it still happened again.  He has no answer for that.  He does not see how he has disrespected me because texting is not disrespectful. He keeps reiterating that she did it first, and while he cannot control what she does, he CAN control stating what his boundaries are.  He does not want to do that.

I asked why this is so important to him to be able to do this, and he said because it is not a big deal.    I asked if that meant because he thought he was right and he said yes.  So I agree there is some ego involved, in more ways than one.

I am feeling manipulated, but I am very happy with myself for seeing it for what it is.  I had that little bit of doubt still that I'm the crazy one, hence my post, but now that is gone.  It is nice to feel a true feeling of resolve within myself and not doubt.  Definitely new! 

I can't say I am not fearful about what all this means.  I do know I will not let fear or denial lead me, I will not compromise my values and I have God and my Alanon friends to help me thru.

thank you all! ((((HUGS))))

In my area we always encourage same-sex sponsors.

This could be me generalising, but I think there's more adulterly and shady relationships happening in AA then there is in Al-Anon.

My father is in AA and some of the stories he tells about other members are similar to what i'm reading here.

I will be honest, if I met a young lady at an al-anon meeting and was interested, I wouldn't be shy to pursue it. If she said no, I'd drop it.

Those who claim Al-Anon doesn't act as a social club are kidding themselves. Any time people get together on a regular basis, there is bound to be a social aspect tied to it.

My ex used to classify himself as a people watcher - the only problem I had with that was he only seemed to be watching female people of a certain age and likeness.... young, low cut shirts, high cut skirts, trashy hard lookin, etc. Slogan Jim is correct, ANYTIME people get together on a regular basis there is bound to be a social aspect tied to it; some people, like my ex, would be the type to use the social aspect to pick up on the vulnerable hurting girls and ADD to their hurt with the eventual dismissal once he had conquered them; chasing the hurting person away from sanity saving al-anon/AA tools and principles. These wolves exists in every walk of life and the damage they cause to those most vulnerable is precisely why ALL 12 step followers should honor the "No 13 stepping" guideline above all. Through the doors of AA and Al-Anon walk damaged people clinging to a hope that they will find a way out of the insanity of alcoholism and the one thing they don't need is the confusion of someone trying to manipulate them into a relationship that will cause them more damage.