New Here..Really Need Advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

New Here..Really Need Advice

jaycasale · Member

Hi there,

I'll try to keep my background brief. Here is the deal. My brother and I always lived with my grandparents and my mother. My mother had addiction problems and eventually died from a heroin overdose when I was 17 and my brother was 12 (I'm 34 now). My brother was the one who found my mother and it was obviously very traumatizing.

My brother stayed with my gparents and I went to college. Eventually, he was kicked out of high school for selling marijuana on school grounds. I came back home from school and began working as an actor, so I'd leave for long periods of time.

Over this time it became clear that he had major alcohol issues .He started drinking nightly, and had many run ins with the law, as well as with my grandparents and me. He broke a mirror and threw the shards at my grandparents. He broke my gmas windshield of her car. He would call us all hours of the night needing a ride home from somewhere. We'd pick him up and he would be covered in blood. He was arrested several times. Once my grandmother had to pull him out of hisc ar in the garage, where he was attempting suicide while drunk. One night in the ER he had a .38 alcohol level. The stories go on and on, but suffice it to say it was a harrowing experience for me and my grandparents.

Eventually, he swore that he quit. I moved out and got married, and eventually he moved out as well. A few weeks later, my grandfather passed away. My wife and I moved back into the house to help my grandmother. ABout two years later, my brother broke up with his gf and needed to come back to the house until he got back on his feet. My wife was pregnant, and it became clear that he wasn't going to leave, so we moved out. He swore up anad down that he would help with the bills like we had, and that he was not drinking. He didnt' seem to be drinking.

This was about a year or so ago. Now, my grandmother has had both lung cancer and multiple myeloma. She is miserable living with my brother. She says he is rud eto her, or just doesnt' speak to her at all. Also, his girlfriend lives in the house with them, even though she did not okay this, and neither of them give her any money at all to live there. On two separate occasions I have had to cancel my grandmothers' debit card because he was taking money out without permission. WHen I confronted him about it, it caused a gigantic argument, and I now have not spoken to him in months.

Recently, my grandmother went up to his bedroom and found empty bottles of liquour and beer. she confronted him and he ignored her. He also has apparently been posting on facebook about going out to bars. I know that he is drinking, and I do not feel safe having her live with him. It would be rough for me to move my whole family into the house with her now, but I do feel as though it would be the best thing.

The issue is, I don't know how to get him out. My grandmother, no matter how upset or sick she gets, will not kick him out. She is willing to give him money to ge thim set up, but she can't just tell him to go. I know that he is a ticking time bomb. He has caused us all s omuch grief. I have come to a point where I am able to divorce myself from him and stop enabling him (hence the huge fight, he was not used to that), but my grandmother will never reach that point. I'm really torn up about what to do.

Anyway. thanks for listening.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

QUOTE..........The issue is, I don't know how to get him out. My grandmother, no matter how upset or sick she gets, will not kick him out. She is willing to give him money to ge thim set up, but she can't just tell him to go. I know that he is a ticking time bomb. He has caused us all s omuch grief. I have come to a point where I am able to divorce myself from him and stop enabling him (hence the huge fight, he was not used to that), but my grandmother will never reach that point. I'm really torn up about what to do.

REPLY well, then there really is nothing you can do....if you dont' share, legally, the house, then you need to work your program here, I urge you to get a sponsor, work your program b/c this family dynamic has to have affected you, I have 2 A brothers and I detach from them...I do not help them, I will not have them in my home, etc.....if Gramma won't do anything that all you can do is try to be a good grandson to her and let go the stuff you cannot do

If I were you would get into alanon, work the steps, get a sponsor to guide you, go to meetings and work here with us on the boards......

Unless your name is on that house , there isn't any thing you can do about him...he will fall sooner or later b/c drinking is progressive...he will get worse and worse and IF he poses a threat to your gramma, you can call the cops on him, but really its up to her to throw him out...which it seems she is not going to do.....so sad.....sooo sorry for the gramma.....

but when U R powerless, there is only one thing you can do...Work the program for you, keep yourself sane by working on you, taking care of you and your family and just try to be a good comforter to gramma.....I am so sorry for her...she just can't bring herself to let him suffer the consequences and by enabling him, she is not helping him, he will just keep getting worse....I really really really hope he does not hurt her....

.IF you see any signs of abuse you can call the police, maybe contact an abuse shelter for advice if you think he is physical with her...U can do something about that b/c the domestic violence shelters really want to help the victims...I would contact one and see what they have to say, if he is being physically abusive....and keep working your program so you can stay level

I think , not sure, but throwing stuff could be classified as physical abuse, I am not an expert....Maybe, upon thinking as I type, maybe you could contact a domestic violence shelter expert and tell them the whole story and see where they can guide you ok????

I sure hope the gramma is not in any danger......Keep us posted ok?????

jaycasale · Member

Thanks so much for the reply. I am just looking into al-anon for the first time. I do feel the best thing would be for my grandmother to get him out and for my family to move back in with her so she is taken care of and doesnt have to live in fear in her old and sick age. She says that she is going to talk to him tomorrow and ask him to leave. I guess time will tell.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, Usually I would say in my life, it would be up to gma. However she is very sick. I am sure she is in no position to be trying to get an A out of her home.My feeling is his disease is very dangerous for her.When someone is healthy its hard to feel well with an active A. His disease is surely not helping her at all!She should NOT have to deal with this!

My way would be to sit down with gma and express to her that her time is precious, that his disease is not healthy to live with. Plus by her taking him in, it makes it worse as it makes it so easy for him to use.

I would get him out period. MY experience. No way would I allow a family member to hurt my grama. Gpa told me to take care of her and I did.She in no way physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally should be worrying about anything.

Your brother is very sick.I know in Oregon you would legally have to evict him. But mayself I would be saying brother me and fam are moving in this day, you and woman need to be out by this day. If you are not, all your stuff goes away.

When I am confronted with family things or when I was, I dug my heels in. My mother had cancer and was actively dying. She told me when she got bad she wanted to come live with me. When she went down hill my brother decides he is taking her. UH no you are not! Thank goodness my other brother was told what she wanted. but man I would have protected her with my life.

My brother turned out to be a perv and got into trouble. Thank you God she died before that all happened. But I KNEW it was wrong for her, she was sick, she needed me to be strong for her.

Glad you are here. love,debilyn

jaycasale · Member

Thank you. It is a very difficult thing to do. My brother won't talk to me. I have tried to patch things up with him but he ignores me. He also has a new defense mechanism whereby if I tell him that my grandmother feels a certain way, he will tell me that I'm lying and that my grandmother said otherwise, regardless of the truth. So it really has to come from her. I can of course help her to enforce the decision though. .

Very similarly to you, my grandfather once, years ago, told me that he would put the house into my name if i promised him I would move back to the house if he died first. He was afraid of her living alone with him.

It's all so tough because I do love my brother and I wish that he could be a part of his niece's life. She is only 9 months old and he is missing out on such great moments. I made this plea to him and he never responded .I also know that he must be hurting but is unable to express it properly. He feels betrayed by me because I didnt allow him to use her bank account with autonomy. (I'm in charge of her money). It's a very messy situation.

And of course while I know it is best for me to go back there, it is difficult to decide to give up our place and the privacy that comes with it. I really appreciate the feedback.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

You know, I kinda like Debilyn's idea of just you moving in, and forcing him out....Its hard to judge....Is he drinking/ using in the house w/her??

Do you think he would harm her?????

If so, I kinda like Debilyn's post.....by you moving in, he would have to go out......you could force him out, its soo touchy b/c if he is violent, he could harm the gramma

Thank heavens you are holding the money.........I would cut him off totally, let him get his booze somewhere else, not on gramma's dime....

also as you work your program, I would really talk to a woman's shelter and get some advice on what to do

If she is really sick and helpless, maybe , legally, you can just toss him out...I just don't knows on this stuff, but domestic violence you can call the cops and they will lock him up if he is drunk, abusive, etc.....

I think, first , I would call the shelter and just ASK "what can I do with this situation???? and tell them the whole truth" lets us know ok????

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You can report this as elder abuse. He is exploiting her. Investigators will come out.

jaycasale · Member

The problem, I think, is that there is no real "abuse". He doesn't do anything physically to her (the incident with the glass and such was years ago, almost 9 at this point). I spoke with a social worker who said this amounts to a domestic issue and it would be hard to take any legal action.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina wrote:

I would go to the pet store and buy 100 or more crickets, I would pay a visit and release them. It would drive your brother
nuts and he would not pay to exterminate them. You will see how quick he will leave.

Of course you have no idea how those crickets got in there. A friend of mine use to own rental property, thats how he use to evict people that wouldnt leave, It always worked.
Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 22nd of July 2013 03:22:44 PM

LOLOLOLOL.............OH Bettina, YOU are a TREASURE....hahahahahahahahaha this is sooooo great........I just LOVE some of the stuff you post...............sorry to laugh on such a serious post, but Bettina this is just PRICELESS!!!!!!! and ya know???? I would go ape 'xxxx' if I heard a bunch of squeeking crickets.......if ya can't do it with the law???? Bring on the crickets.....those buggars are the noisiest things.....

-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 26th of July 2013 09:57:06 AM

oldergal · Senior Member

Your brother is abusing your grandmother mentally and verbally and that is "elder abuse" talk to the police or troopers or what ever you have in your area, get another opinion. Please pursue this your grandmother is old and sick and should be living in peace. Oldergal

oldergal · Senior Member

Jay, you sound like a nice guy and alcoholism is not a nice disease....you really need to get into the Alanon program, start reading the literature and consider some meetings, and try to understand the reality of this cunning, baffling, and life sucking disease. In support Oldergal

jaycasale · Member

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the responses. She is going to talk to him tomorrow and tell him that she wants him to go. If he puts up a fit and doesn't go quietly (She is even going to fund him leaving, which i disagree with, but she thinks she has to for her conscience), then I will take further steps.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Elder abuse is also constituted by taking advantage of and squatting in their property

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You might have grandma appoint you power of attorney and then boot him out yourself

jaycasale · Member

I do have power of attorney actually.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You could see an attorney and start eviction probably then. It might upset her though so maybe do it her way. Her wishes count of course.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, then, jayscale - sounds like your grandma is a very smart lady. You have power of attorney and you aren't the drinker. Glad to hear that she is going to ask him to leave. I hope she follows through.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Very hard to prove that she is being abused if there is no physical evidence. Police will call it a civil and family matter and you willl have to seek legal council. Police do not get involved in family matters.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This doesn't solve the other problems but I wonder if you could get her out of there. A sort of "Grandma, come and stay with us for two weeks" thing. I realize she might not want to. But you do need someone sane looking after her. Or could you induce her to pay for his rent elsewhere? It's not a great solution but it's better than what's happening now. I'm so sorry this is happening -- this is very hard, as you know.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Power of attorney is great. If you have to get someone in to help with your grandma that is another option if you cannot move in there with her. Change the locks and call the police. I would also recommend coming to the online meetings on this site and finding a face to face ala-non meeting for yourself. There is no way your brother is going to listen to you while he is impaired. The alcoholic thinks it is everybody else with the problems and not them. Good luck and please keep us updated. Jenny

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

jaycasale wrote:
I do have power of attorney actually.

OMG , I just saw this...You may have legal clout then.....power of atty over the house???? if so, there it is...You (i would check w/ social worker or DV shelter to be sure) but you just MIGHT be able to toss him out, change the locks, call the cops if he comes back or balks at leaving....and Pinkchip said something about elder abuse..Ok maybe hes not physical with gramma in a way, but verbal??? exploitating her for money???? drinking and being crazy in the house????? I mean you know whats going on better than we do, but if you have POA....I think you can , may get him out based on that.....I would ask someone..........AND when you get rid of him, or while you are evicting him I would work my program, meetings, steps, all of it b/c U R gonna need your emotions to be level............Just saying......There has to be legal advice you can get at low cost or no cost....

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