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I have not been on the board in 5 or so days. My son 24 yrs old has a drinking problem and after 6 years sought help. I got to see him last Sunday I was nervous and somewhat withdrawn. Every Sunday is visitation and every time you go you have to watch a film and a counselor speaks to us for 2 hrs. Most of the counselors are recovering addicts. Last Sunday Jim I will call him spent 17 years in jail and active addiction. His talk was from the heart. DON'T BELIEVE THEM HE SAID THEY HAVE LIED MANIPULATED YOU. Jim said addiction is a disease but unless they fix what is in their heart they will not recover.
Jim is tough he has seen it all from the addicts in the rehab. When my son graduates Aug 2nd the 3 days preceding that is a retreat for the family to confront the addict about the pain they have caused our family. He said to come to the retreat with a letter as he put it GUNS ABLAZING!
I wrote a letter that was cleansing to me but I felt too harsh. I start the letter with March 2007 my sons HS graduation year and put several things and the arrests that have all caused me pain. I realize now JUST HOW MUCH HE DID LIE AND MANIPULATE ME.
I tell him in the letter at the end that I have sought counseling and going to AL ANON for ME! That I intend to get healthy and Today I AM RECLAIMING MY LIFE. That I will no longer manage or fix his life.
I will support his recovery but his dad and I want a life and are RECLAIMING NOW!!! I told him I will never rescue him again. That if he chooses Destruction I CANNOT BE PART OF HIS LIFE.
I haven't talked to my counselor nor his individual counselor at rehab about the letter. I do talk about THE PAIN HE CAUSED ME, and that he has 3 choices----JAIL- DEATH OR RECOVERY!! That is all the options available to him.
It will be a very emotional 3 days I have to set boundaries as well. Ok is it my CODA that fears BEING TOO HARSH! Should I say anything good to him the letter opens with I love him very much BUT---
I didn't know if any of you have done this or not. Oh the counselor said on Sunday THAT HIS CHOICES ARE IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM OUR FAULT.
My A son does interact with all the counselors there small facility 20 males. He brought my husband and I aside and said A son was doing good and he could see him helping others someday. WHILE I APPRECIATED HIS KIND WORDS I WILL NEVER GET MY HOPES UP.
After his 34 days in rehab he enters intensive outpatient where he is required to go there every night for 3 hours for 12 weeks, as an alumni of the facility he has free counseling and alumni events after graduation.
One last thing my A son told me even though he was not required to he signed a 72 hour hold should he want to leave.
I am hopeful but OPTIMISTIC IS TOO STRONG A WORD!
As always thank you and if anyone can give me resource websites to help with this letter I would be most grateful.
Still struggling but have attended meetings, church and have a counselor (life coach) who agrees I am CODA BUT BELIEVES I SUFFER FROM PTSD DUE TO PARENTAL ABUSE, being raped, married for 10 years to an ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC WHOSE GOAL WAS TO KILL ME OUR CHILDREN AND HIMSELF - he couldn't get to us HE KILLED HIMSELF.
Bless your heart!!! That post was so open and so honest and so from the heart and as to the victim's impact letter...I dont see it as harsh...I see it as the truth....We cannot recovery w/out total honesty and the truth...even if it hurts, it is essential for recovery for you...for him....It can't be sugar coated...and the exerpts you offered here were not cruel, just to the point...Like "this is what I am doing for me and you can either help yourself or fall flat" (para phrasing, I know) but he will get the message or SHOULD get it, I hope
Either way...The letter is for YOU..to help YOU...To debrief YOU....
My childhood was so abusive, I had a mental breakdown at age 24....the stress caught up w/me from living in absolute hell, that one day I collapsed.....when I was taken to the clinic in our town, my doctor had to drug me out soo much b/c my heart and my brain scans were off the charts....he tore into my mother...Told her I was one of the worst cases of "shell shock" he had seen.....He "tore her a new one" if ya know what I mean
I loved that old , salty, doctor who knew his stuff and called a spade a spade...You always knew where you stood w/him and his son was the same way...it took them some time to get me on the right meds for my ptsd and anxiety and I take meds to this day...I am on them for life b/c of other folks injuring me
but ya know??? its time for me to take care of me and that is what I do....I don't re-hash the past, I tell what I gotta tell to deal with a trigger or to help another then I get right back on me and the solution
this visit is for YOUR therapy too, He needs to know what he has done...the damage he has created and you need to get it off your chest so you can heal....
My parents were both dead when I got into alanon....and one of my sponsor's "home work" assignments was to tell me to write each one of them a letter
Oh I did alright...I lit into each one of them , their own separate letters....I started w/the easier, less offensive parent which was her...and I ended up crying...sobbing for hours after i wrote that letter......end result?? I could let go of a lot of that hate and resentment
the letter to him was more difficult b/c he was a criminal...he attacked underage girls, including me and my cousins....thats all i need to say...just put your imagination to work and I am sure you will come close...
anyway, I wrote him and omg...the hate and outrage and anger i felt towards him kinda almost scared me that I could HATE someone that bad...that I could be THAT pissed off at one person.....I have cried not for him but for me.....the "daddy" i never had...this EVIL piece of manure, i got stuck w/instead an NO protection from him
it , I am sure, is the reason why I am agnostic about Creator and Jesus being involved in our lives....Like they are there, but not involved in my life.....but yea, I saw this anger and hate for my own maker b/c of the crimes done to me and no answer to myprayers for help......
that lettter was a loooong one...my sponsor thought it was cool that I could articulate and get that hate OUT and the anger OUT b/c that letter did help me....
No I can never 4give him, an barely 4give her, but I can keep it from dominating my life....After I wrote those scathing letters posthumously, I am to the point where OMG I want to really put it in the box and THIS time it stays on the shelf.....thats what I do...i put my past in a box...put it up on a high shelf and most of the time it stays there, but here and there it will fall off and I will have to go through it and let the emotions pass, then I put it back
it doesn't dominate my life anymore.....I feel more grief for me and my losses and compassion for me then I do hate for them...if that makes sense...
I am slowly replacing the hate for him with love and compassion for me....I want to think and focus on me and the solution or healing
you will too, no matter who it was who hurt you or shattered you, its still being smashed...it is still devestating.... this program has freed me up a lot
I laugh more....yes, I feel more and sometimes it is tears of grieving....tears of lost opportunities....tears for decades of mental illness and recovery , I am a lifer here.....
I have found so much love in this program....my old relationships with old, family of choice are BETTER....I am healthier....I am a better mom...better sister (3 adopted sisters....2 families took me in and kept me as much as they could) but I am a better friend...cousin....worker at work......I am BETTER....PERIOD
This program is a miracle to me....The people here are real...No BS behind their words
Please keep coming back and please work on your program and your good that is yours by divine right
good luck at the meet....I wil send you energy of calm...serenity....courage....resolve.....comittment to you and your recovery............PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
((((Faith))))...go for it!! Only one part of recovery is being able to hear the pictures show back at them and understand many different thoughts and feelings...all aimed at moving toward recovery. Positive compulsion even while the disease waits. Write an honest impact letter...don't shade the honesty and try to protect even there. He'll be okay and maybe beside guilt and shame he will also feel empathy and compassion for those he hurt like I did. Help him...be honest. Take the buts out and substitute "and" that will make it all true and connected. I love you "and" I am angry at how I was treated by you when you were drinking and using. (just a little counseling experience...take what you like, leave the rest) In service and support.
This is a wonderful exercise. It is hard for us to go deep and wallow around in our own pain and then do something we deem may be painful for another, especially a child. This is no easy task; acknowledge and validate your courage. You and your son cannot heal what you can't or won't see...this is pivotal for both of you. I agree with Jerry, take all "buts" out of the letter. "I love you AND I am hurting beyond what you can imagine right now, and I am hurting because of your behaviors" Separate the behaviors from the person as he already feels so much shame, shame that he cannot even fathom, yet. He may save the letter and re read it many times. Good luck and let us know how this process goes for you.
"Jim is tough he has seen it all from the addicts in the rehab. When my son graduates Aug 2nd the 3 days preceding that is a retreat for the family to confront the addict about the pain they have caused our family. He said to come to the retreat with a letter as he put it GUNS ABLAZING!"
The only authority is a loving god. Jim is not god. GUNS ABLAZING may sound funny but in it implies taking your best shot at someone someone who is doing the work to recovery. I think the purpose of the letter is to increase awareness, understanding and promote healing between the two of you not to inflict a fatal wound to the heart of your son. I like the things you've written that are facts and straight to the point of how your son's addiction affected you and your life. You've also written and taken ownership for your own actions of rescuing and enabling. You can bring the strength of your recovery with you, your faith in yourself and your higher power. I like what Jerry mentioned concerning the I love you. "But" sounds conditional, "And" sounds lik unconditional love. It's evident from your post that you do love your son.
Your Alanon sponsor, your counselor might be able to help you sort out your feelings and offerer guidance in your writing process. From my personal experience inviting my hp to be with me and a small prayer to do my higher power's will for me has helped. Once I've done that, it's easier for me to keep it simple. Best wishes. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I understand the point of the letter. I understand also the the rehab has a limited amount of time to get to some of the real core issues and it's better that he hear this stuff from you while in the rehab than when he doesn't have as much structure and support. I do believe praying and just writing/saying what is in your heart is the best policy. The rehab and the 12 step program will be trying to teach him a program of rigorous honesty. That is one of the major principles of AA/NA so you might as well just be as honest as you can - Stating facts is not harsh. Stating how you felt because of is actions is also not harsh. That is just honesty and truth. Calling him names - belittling him - or saying he has no hope to change would be too harsh and I am very much doubting you wrote anything like that.
I am guessing that most folks who know you (other family and friends that know the whole history) would stand up and clap after hearing you read that letter. I personally think if he can't stand to hear what's in that letter, he is gonna use anyhow. "Guns ablazin" is too light-hearted a way of saying "put your heart in the letter and leave it all in the open so he can have a choice of whether to stick with recovery knowing all the damage he's caused or to go back and create more damage." Sometimes people use humor to cut the edge off how painful and serious the topic is. Sometimes the humor might be better replaced with clear and honest statements/instruction.
For me, the biggest amends I had to make for my alcholism and my past was to my parents. It was not even that I stole from them or got arrested... It was that I never grew up. They never got to focus fully on being retired - having adult children, grandchildren, and just enjoying life as much because they were always worried about their last child (youngest son) who always needed help and was alway in some mess or jam. In recovery, I have become much more the adult son that they should have had years ago. My parents travel, enjoy their grandkids... My mother no longer freaks out if she doesn't hear from me for a week because she knows I am ok and that I have coping skills to handle things even if I'm not okay temporarily. The greatest gift I could give my parents was not to give them grandkids, to be a doctor, a lawyer, to buy them things, or anything like that. The greatest gift was just for me to stay sober and grow up so they would be at peace and just know I would be okay. I never thought I would see the day when my mom wasn't constant worried about me and lecturing me. I'm guessing she probably never thought she'd see the day I would be a competent adult that could handle adult responsibilities without her interventions. I really stuck with AA and it happened though. I pray it works like that for you and your son.
I'm glad you were able to get in touch with your own feelings and thoughts about the disease and the ways it has affected you, Faith. I am also glad that you are doing what you can to heal through some of what you have endured in your lifetime. My best to you as you heal one day at a time.
This is a wonderful exercise. It is hard for us to go deep and wallow around in our own pain and then do something we deem may be painful for another, especially a child. This is no easy task; acknowledge and validate your courage. You and your son cannot heal what you can't or won't see...this is pivotal for both of you. I agree with Jerry, take all "buts" out of the letter. "I love you AND I am hurting beyond what you can imagine right now, and I am hurting because of your behaviors" Separate the behaviors from the person as he already feels so much shame, shame that he cannot even fathom, yet. He may save the letter and re read it many times. Good luck and let us know how this process goes for you.
I agree with Paula AND might I add that she says and this is important "Separate the behaviours from the person as he already feels so much shame"
I think if you stick to BEHAVIOUR .....or DEEDS.....his ACTION and not his character, you have every right to go in guns blazing.....when I have a beef with someone and have to do a letter if things are so bad, I can't confront them due to safety or denial on their part that wold only trigger me more I just WRITE them a letter....let them see it...read it...and I keep focus on their BEHAVIOUR and how it impacted me.......that makes me non judgemental b/c I am not judging the soul of them, but their DEEDS...I have that right
Only ONE person whose character I attacked as evil and that was my bio sire.....I did attack him from the ground up b/c being SICK like your son is ONE thing.....being stone, unrepenting EVIL is quite another.....and it was for ME and MY healing
ALL others who have harmed me if not safe to approach and even if safe,,I wold give them a letter....addressing how their DEEDS affected me and harmed me.
AND I never left them with any expectations that I wold get the outcome I wanted....I did it with zero expectations with the exception that it was theraputic for me.....HOW they take it or what they do with it is their issue....NOT mine
so you go girl.....Tell him what he did and how it impacted you.......and GOOD LUCK......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm glad you were able to get in touch with your own feelings and thoughts about the disease and the ways it has affected you, Faith. I am also glad that you are doing what you can to heal through some of what you have endured in your lifetime. My best to you as you heal one day at a time.
and I echo Grateful.....some folks cannot get in touch w/their own feelings and thoughts....You did and this is huge for your recovery....BIG....your gonna do great and yea, you will feel better after letting all that hang out.....trust me, this is a great thing you are doing...it will disolve a lot of unresolved, undealt with resentments........my best to you as well......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Everyone GREAT ADVICE!!! I agree no ANDS and speak of his behavior not him personally. I know my son feels so much guilt I have always thought he kept drinking because he hated himself. My A son has committed a lot of behaviors that have hurt me and made me worry about him. But he himself has never spoken ugly to me nor treated me badly. As for his alcoholism I spoke to him once on the phone when he was drunk or acting mean not to me about other people.
My older Police Officer son says this exercise is to help us and get out the guilt my A son has I am not sure. My PO son has enabled his baby brother as well. He told A brother before rehab etc that if he drank to call him and he would pick him up anywhere but if the Police Dept called he would not go. I found out the Police Dept called my PO son twice in the last 8 months to go get his A brother he said NO BRO DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO THROW HIM IN JAIL! I found this out from PO son's wife this weekend.
I do think "Jim" was only telling us family members to basically don't sugar coat the pain lay EVERYTHING out there. They have to deal with it.
Neshema I learned so much from your story and {{{{}}} to you. I am prepared to put everything in a box and some days are teary mainly about my baby son my last born. :( and the pain he has caused.
Pink chip, thank you though I am not retired hubby and I have time to travel but don't and I can relate to your mom. I am always waiting for something terrible to happen.
I am excited as you all have such insight and I love the things I didn't see LIKE THE "AND" never thought about it.
If anyone has more advice I am open and ready to receive. Sometimes when you love someone as much as I love A baby son, I have to be honest yet calm oh I have yelled etc many times at him this will be different!!!
You guys are so bright!!!!!
Thank you thank you
Faith
I hope as I put this letter together I can share it for anything you see that I should state differently. I want our family to heal but am not getting my hopes too high the fall would be too painful for me. It will be cleansing for me to read this letter to him. I hope I can get thru the letter as I tear up working on it.
Faith Hope And Love
Dear Faith.....I am SO glad that you don't have high expectations....I would go w/no expectations of anything from him, AND I would go with hope for ME that I am cleansing ME of this pent up anger and resentment and yes, LOVE for this boy you gave birth to......keeping hope is fine , however RATIONAL hope...what is reasonable...what is a rational hope??? I would just go in , fire away with my letter and let the chips fall where they may...I know YOU will feel better, lighter for doing this......U R gonna be fine ...you got us all cheering for you in the balcony......GO FOR IT!!!!! HUGSSSSS
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
