The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im so confused, and Im really looking for help here. My husband, who I adore, drinks anywhere from 9-12 beers a night, and then moves on to 1 or 2 whiskeys on ice. Its because Im not a house cleaner, and Im not an organized person, Im always running in circles. He works hard all day, to provide for the family (he and I are both 35, the kids are 10, 9 and 5), then coming home to chaos is too much, he needs to calm himself this way. In my head, I know that isnt true, but it feels like it is. I lie to him about everything in the evenings, hide bills, hide anythign that is unpleasant at all because I dont want him to drink more, or so I tell myself. Im obsessed with counting beers and levels in the bottles. Then, he inevitably finds out about the lies and hidden bills, and needs to drink more to numb the pain, where as I tend to go into a mode of ability, clean, cook make happy, to try and convince him life is happy and he need not drink. This circle keeps getting bigger, Im not sure I can honestly tell him I wont hide "life" from him anymore, I don't believe I am capable of it. I have this need to protect him, or myself, by keeping anything he wont like hidden. Im scared, and confused, I want to be married to the man he is from 6am to 5 pm, but I also want this fight to be so big it makes him stop, and me too. Where do I go? Is it more my problem? That is what my head is telling me, he works and is good to the kids, the alcohol doesnt affect that, so really, which one of us has the problem? Id love to hear any thoughts, and please dont hold back, I need to hear, and to see myself for what I am right now, because I really dont know.
The first things that come to mind are one of the first things you'll hear in an Alanon meeting.
We call them the 3 Cs. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. The drinking is our A's problem. How we deal with what goes on in our life is our problem.
Have you been to any Alanon Meetings? Fact to Face always have a newcomer packet and there is lots of great stuff in there to start you off. We also have meetings online here.
"I need to hear, and to see myself for what I am right now, because I really dont know." I can say that the Alanon program is helping me find out many things about myself. Maybe it will do the same for you.
{{{Kimbrali}}} (those are hugs) and Welcome to MIP and if your new to Alanon, welcome again. We are glad your here.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
The alcohol affects everyone! You, the children...our own behavior and our interpersonal relationships!
Ditto to what Bob said. Trust him he knows!!!
Me...I made myself crazy trying to control my alcoholic and his drinking. I ran around in circles trying to make my house perfect because life was not. I was angry and impossible to live with and I did not even know it! Face 2 face meetings and the people I met there changed my life! I read the literature daily and come here for support. You are in the right place. Here you will get the tools you need to handle living with this disease.
Thank you Bob, I have a lot to learn about myself I think. It seems strange that one moment life is functioning fine in denial, and the next moment there is a huge pile on top of you that you had pretended wasnt there for so long.......
Welcome, alanon is the right place for you. Your husband doesn't drink that much because the house is dirty, this is not your fault. That fact that he is trying to blame his drinking on you is a real sign that he IS an alcoholic, even more than the amount he drinks. Blaming is one of the things that almost all A's do. However, there ARE things you can do to make your life better. Please learn about our program, there is a lot of help here for you. Read old posts here on this website, get some alanon literature (through this website, through bookstores and online sites like amazon and ebay, from the public library, and best of all from your local face to face alanon meeting), and if at all possible, get to a face to face meeting. There is so much you can do that will help you, your children, and even your husband. We have all been there, and life can be better. Welcome.
He drinks that much..... because he is most likely an alcoholic.... or at minimum, he has a drinking issue....
You cannot "cause" him to drink.... Plain and simple.
Please try to get to Al-Anon. Please try to get your hands on the best book on this subject, "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.
I can't tell from your post, whether you believe the stuff you are saying, or whether he is filling your head with that stuff. Either way, I can tell you that it is simply not true. It doesn't matter if you are the biggest slob in the world (which you are not), or the meanest wife in the world (which you are not) - you absolutely cannot "cause" another human being to take one drink, let alone a dozen or more...
Please help yourself.... get educated.... this is scary stuff if you are believing that you are the cause....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When I read your post I also thought of the 3 C's as well. You are trying to control his drinking, and you think you caused it. You can't do that. It is all him. He can control his actions and no one else.
When I came to alanon I found out that I am only responsible for me, I can not control people, places, and things. I was so exhausted from trying to do all that. I never saw the chaos I was causing. I never saw my actions for what they were, because I was to focused on him and what he was doing. Alanon has helped me take the focus off of him and put it back on me where it belongs. I am no longer running around in circles trying to find the "something" that will make him stop drinking. Only he can find that.
Keep Coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Welcome. Sounds like you are very serious about getting help. This book, "Getting Them Sober" would really help you out I promise.
I want to say, what would happen if you just quit walking on eggshells? I mean from what you say his routine is pretty well set as far as if he uses or not.
You could be the perfect housekeeper, organized, rich and not have bills and the A will still drink.
It is no wonder you are confused. The life we live with an A can be totally insanity.
I hope you keep coming back, get that book too. You sound to me, as one who ha many miracles ahead of you.
Instead of thinking of him, stop yourself and think of YOU. Drop the padding life for him act and give yourself a gift and take care of you.
