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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> And so it begins (vent)
Post Info TOPIC: And so it begins (vent)
Pushka


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And so it begins (vent)
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I've been doing pretty good for the most part .. I can tell I missed meetings this week and I am going to look at getting into one tonight, being the 4th I don't know if I will be able to or not.  Meaning .. if the meeting is going on being the 4th and all.   I have totally kicked my program out of the window at the moment my anger is in full force right now.  Interestingly enough I'm feeling angry at more than just the A right now. 

It's interesting to watch myself and others do the dance and how the A is just able to waltz right through and nothing seems to touch them.  I realize this is just a perception on my part.  I am angry that he messes with me, messes with the kids.  After 18 months of the same visitation since getting the OP every single week the same question is asked and you can imagine that since it's the holiday weekend that he's chomping at the bit to find ways to get out of it.  He's so sealed his fate with the kids as far as the courts go.  It hurts to watch their disappointments and want to take them away, knowing I'm not the parent who can fix this for them.  It hurts when someone I thought really understood the situation is still stuck in the whole penises are of more value mentality.  Some of that I do understand however .. the last time any of the brothers have bothered with their s/mom was over 3 years ago .. and that was because they thought their alcoholic mother was dying.  Technically she was .. that was what brought them into town.  None of that I can control, the situation really is amazing and frustrating to watch.  I listened to her JADE the whole situation and thought I am soooo the last person in the world who wants to hear any of this.  She really jacked my plans around today and I won't make the same mistake twice .. she had my daughter.  My daughter and I have an agreement for her to mow the lawn and already I've been mowing, well had I realized she had no intension of driving my daughter back home I would have gotten her at 8am and I would be done with my yard work.  Instead I have a very confused and angry teenager at the moment not understanding she's gone for the weekend and the work still needs to get done and now it's 80 degrees outside.  With all of the rain we have had this year .. the lawn has needed to be mowed a lot more and she's not following through on her commitment to me about the yard.  Well bye bye being paid .. I will not pay for work not done.  I explained some harsh realities of the world .. you don't go to work you don't get a check .. well this is true if I'm paying her to mow the lawn and no mowing is happening .. then .. no pay.  Especially when I'm mowing .. LOL .. it kind of defeats the purpose. 

What I feel is angry, abandoned, frustrated and just in sheer amazement of how excuses are made for the alcoholic still and by someone who is not living with them.  Someone who knows better, I certainly don't expect anyone to kick a guy while he's in the gutter at the same time I'm not listening to excuses on their behalf as to why they are doing what they are doing.  I really don't care .. these are not my choices and not my problem.  She's stuck in the whole well he lied to me?!  LOL .. really?  You think you are truly special .. they lie to everyone!  I did have a good laugh over listening to her do the he lied to me bit.  It's what alcoholics do!!! 

So yes .. he's taking the kids this weekend and I hope I'm not making a dreadful mistake.  I did keep them today .. there is no sense in subjecting them to his behavior more than necessary and I do mean legally necessary.  My plans today .. nothing has gone according to plan .. this is def one of those days of I make plans and God laughs .. LOL.  Soooo instead of doing what we had planned on doing .. which was watch fireworks at a boat dock .. we are going to hang out .. do a few silly fireworks, start a large bonfire and cook out in the truest sense of the word.  It will be hot dogs on a stick and marshmallows.  It will be fun and hopefully sometime this weekend I will find my program and figure out what is working and what isn't.    

Right now I'm just mucking through the ick and trying to figure out what is the lesson in all of this because I'm not looking for a repeat.  I hope his plans are mucked up as he's actually having to take the kids for the weekend on a holiday (gasp) as that has never happened before .. not one time in 18 months has he had the kids on a holiday weekend even when it's been his weekend.  I am looking forward to a little break. I think the kicker was after canceling plans on me hearing from my daughter .. s.mom wants to come out and I said absolutely NOT .. not this weekend not after this BS .. NOT today.  I need some space and perspective and today is not it. 

Hugs P :) 



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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Sounds like you need a calgon take me away! So go snoop in a thrift shop this week end, or whatever and let go and let hp!!!

sending hugs! debilyn



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ilovedogs


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Ugh, you've got a lot going on, friend. I made my kid cry today and handed him a disappointment so I totally understand the teenager thing. We're doing what you guys are doing tonight, as well: fireworks at home, barbecuing some burgers or dogs, and just relaxing at home. I'm not up for anything big because I'm having my own pity party this week and it has nothing to do with my AH, either. I need to get myself back on track just like you do.

On a positive note, I know we are having meetings here tonight, so maybe you'll find that meeting you need? I am going because I need my Al Anon fix. It's a necessary spirit lift for me! Hugs, Pushka, you're doing great. You have a program, you know what to do, so just get back on that saddle and dive back in!

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gorby928


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Talk about getting inside my head,its as if I almost reading some of my own feelings. I havent been to a meeting for a few weeks. But when you talk about your A just waltzing through life that is how I feel. My AW started talking to me today like all is well and I know Im not meant to react but it just pisses me off that Im putting in all this effort in to just keep our marriage afloat and she just continues on the same path as if all is well. If it wasnt for my boys who knows what path I would take but they are my main focus and there smiles will always remind me that all isnt bad. Thanks for sharing,peace

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neshema2


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Debilyn wrote:

Sounds like you need a calgon take me away! So go snoop in a thrift shop this week end, or whatever and let go and let hp!!!

sending hugs! debilyn

 ohhh Debilyn, I LOVE doing that....When I am feeling like I want to cry and don't know why??? THRIFT SHOPS   there is a gr8 Goodwill and a Thrift Shop to support Vietnam vets that I go to AND Pawn shops are another fun place to snoop

And I agree.....HAVE fun.....I didn't even C my younger daughter until I was pulling out of my driveway, headed for the pool and shes going her way, and we waved...

Oh yea, I don't let ANYone mess up my day .  Not anymore

I had to jump in b/c I was think,  "ok, what would I do"  and I see this post about snooping thrift shops, and I just HAD to agree...BEST fun and gr8 deals and I am keeping folks on a job by patronizing them

 



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
rehprof


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"What I feel is angry, abandoned, frustrated and just in sheer amazement of how excuses are made for the alcoholic still"

I could have written this sentence. my Ex hasn't worked in 3 years...lives with his sister..who pays all the bills...lays around, reads books. buys guns, and swims in the pool. Meanwhile -- I work ALL the time to try to make ends meet. It just ain't fair. 

I'm not sure about the whole ethic that "everything happens for a reason" and "what am I supposed to learn from this?" 

Honestly...sometimes I think it's just that S**T happens..and we need to just dust off and move on...maybe we don't need to learn anything...or maybe we aren't supposed to be learning anything.. sometimes a banana is just a banana. And I KNOW we overanalyze everything.

I HEAR you sister! 

Sending strength, 

RP



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Pushka


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Hugs RP,

For me this has to be a lesson for the simple fact that I keep having this particular lesson over and over and maybe the lesson is to just let go and not react while doing so. I really blew a gasket over this one today. I've had it, I'm done .. stick a fork in me I'm over cooked. LOL.

Sigh .. one of these days I will just get better at letting go.

I'm so broke that a thrift store might as well be Lloyd's of London .. seriously speaking I am struggling financially and I'm angry about that too.

Yes .. everybody poops and like moves on .. I just am very done at the moment.

Omgosh .. my name is Pushka and I'm a binge thinker .. LOL .. soooo ME!!

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
grateful2be


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Sorry its been such a hard and disappointing day for you today, Pushka. I hope this evening's fun will help bring a little joy into your today.

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neshema2


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Pushka wrote:

Hugs RP,

For me this has to be a lesson for the simple fact that I keep having this particular lesson over and over and maybe the lesson is to just let go and not react while doing so. I really blew a gasket over this one today. I've had it, I'm done .. stick a fork in me I'm over cooked. LOL.

 WEll it appears to me like you are getting the lesson......to just let go and take care of you...

I can relate to the financial thing...this "crash" that the greedy ones created changed my life big time...had to go on early retirement b/c I coudl't find work, and its a bitch keeping what little work I have to suppliment my SS...

but I just go to thrift shops and poke around....sometimes I can find a good book for 1/2 price like 50cents..

but yea, I have been to the place where my truck would take what little i manage to get ahead on or a plumbing disaster.....2011 and 2012  ATE me...one disaster after another...I was crying all the time b/c shit kept happening 

My escape was meditating and CLAIMING in my head better situations an circumstances by seeing myself already receiving them and thanking the universe   (HARD when you can't buy toilet paper that isn't on special)

oh yea, but I wo'nt give up on me.....I will keep seeing it as MINE in my head when I meditate....thought is a powerful energy.....I think we CAN bring to us what we THINK....creation started with thought

So I refuse to create poverty and lonliness and bitterness at how badly my life started and continued till only 11 years ago....NO...today is a brand new start....

I think if I put out good energy I get good energy and so I do....When all those disasters hit me I always had a friend who had a connection or them themselves to help me out of it at minimal cost...

I do good adn try to think good, I cast away resentments and hates and bad thoughts b/c I don't want the bad karma they bring

Life aint easy, but it aint half bad either.......

Another exercise while focusing on my breath is to start with the letter A  and do my gratitude list even if it is through clenched and angry teeth

PEACE my fellow recovery mate....sending you positive energy....



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
PP


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Standing with ya honey!  I did read your post about  being pissed off instead of pissed on...good one!



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Paula
Breakingfree


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Oh sister, I am sending you much love and support!

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Jerry F


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What I feel is angry, abandoned, frustrated and just in sheer amazement of how excuses are made for the alcoholic still and by someone who is not living with them.



That my dear sister is called a resentment royal...I use to get soooo much power up to have those until I copped another resentment at myself because it wasn't doing me any good atall.  Your focus still seems to be toward him at this time...what's he doing and and not...Is he standing there wiggling that index finger atcha and whispering "looka me...looka me"?  The disease and my alcoholic/addict use to own me...she was my higher power until I asked HP to take over and then...."Free at last...!!"   Wanna refocus?...go get a mirror and hold it up in front of the lovely pushka...now theres the focus!!  Want some cheese with that whine?  I didn't say that...my sponsor said it.  

Keep working it until you get good and tired and have to let it go.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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Pushka


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Jerry, .. you are probably right .. what you have shared .. I feel that was completely inappropriate in terms of all I want to do is get this stuff off my chest. As my title suggested I just needed a safe place to share .. I'm not looking to have anything fixed .. I'm just doing the best I can. I am dealing with a lot of resentments and all of the responsibility of being a parent is on me. He does nothing except skate through things and it's hard to watch someone continue to do that and if I did the same thing .. I would have my children taken from me. I'm tired of hearing the excuses and I will be putting some really tough boundaries in place for some key people in my life.

The complete minimization of what you know nothing about in terms of my situation is extremely hurtful. My pain is my pain .. it's no greater or lesser than anyone else's .. it just is at the moment and it will pass.

I have two court dates coming up .. the first one is I'm finding out that I have to spend another 6k on top of the 10k I have already spent for a trail date. He won't let go and it is the last of the control he has in my life .. I am making sure of that. The next one is for an extended OP which I pray I get .. 2 years .. 2 years of a lot more peace and quiet. So part of why I'm focused on him is I'm scared .. I'm scared of what that means to me financially, to my children and where they attend school and if we have a place to live in the next month. I really don't know what to do. Until he finds sobriety .. honestly .. I'm not real keen on him being able to show up on my property at any given time .. for the moment he can't.

So if I'm whining and complaining at the moment it is what it is, I try and save most of this for my sponsor and I am grateful that I was finally able to get ahold of her last night after I made my last post.

It's just been a long week and I'm trying to get my program legs back.

Peace to you, P

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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