Days go by & I sometimes don't read any posts...  am I lazy or entitled to some rest?  Sometimes the pain is too much to look at it, sometimes I respond with a total non-sequitor & go off in space... 

new to loving myself & what that means...  ups & downs.

My mom had some cherries boy...  when I was 7, she would say, "If you can understand, than u must be understanding.  Discipline comes from the Greek & means 'to teach' I could be beating you (& the countless horrors of stories I learned of growing up) but instead I am talking to you."

She also said this golden one a lot:  (I guess cuz I got headaches as a lil kid - the stress - & then w/ the horrible pain & menses) --

"Pain of growth or pain of decay you decide what you have.  Grow or atrophy."

My mom told me 3 weeks ago, she isn't even compassionate towards herself...  well that is clear as a bell screaming, I don't even want to know my own feelings!  I mean compassion is forgiveness is love is God.  So she doesn't love herself either (d'uh) or I would have learned it by role model.

She tried damn hard to break the cycle of abuse by not hitting me - but never being able to express anger - her not being very emotionally open & receptive - again, no role model for healthy being.

I used to tell her that, as a teen & I felt neurotic & wanted to escape, praying & beggging God to let me off the pl;anet...  her locking herself in her room & brooding for hours - I was 23 - & we know good & well the A was cheatting back then.  (As the truth has come out now). Us both feeling isolated, lost, abandonned.  Like she closed the door on me, I was always there w/ my bleeding heart, going to her over & over, tending to her emotionally as I always had.

I would have done anything for her to be happy.  Sometimes it worked, lots of times it didn't.  I got married to get away from them - just like my one aunt got pregnant & married @ 14 to get away from a single, abusive parent.  Oh the cycle of abusive runs deeply through this country.  One hundred fifty yrs ago, everyone had rifles & just handled their own martial law.  This country is so screwy...  seems like everyone has some killing or molestations or addictions in it.  Maybe that's what it means in the Bible...  the sins of the father are passed to the son.

Abuse is a hard habit to break...   hurt ppl - go on & hurt ppl. 

I'm 37 & I think about tv 30 yrs ago... all wholesome.  I'd rather see nudity, the natural human form, than ppl getting shot & blood & violence.  Maybe our country would be different if we could see nursing, instead of drive-bys.  But I consider myself an artist & I was raised w/ liberal ideals & a capitalist attitude.... 

But I was taught to express my artistic side through training in dance, the arts, philosophical intellectualism but my mom can't bear to hear my voice.  It hurts...  so I greive over it.

It's like God I guess...  having to sit back & watch the children get burned in loving detachment.  God forgives, I believe, so I am told I must do that also if I really want to get to the next level... I have to know true compassion & give freely, willingly.  Accept that I control nothing (but myself) -  I am having a human experience...  I am a spiritual being in chemical clothing. 

My mom the poor middle child - the scape goat, the perfectionsit - hated for her intelligence.  She pushed me too hard, into neurosis...  i would tell her, "I want to be a human being not a human doing."

Two Summers ago, I said that to her... "can't u just love me for being me?  Not what I do?"  She did say "no" at that time but maybe she doesn't remember, maybe she didn't mean it.  She was being psychologically whipped by alcoholism...  the truth in my family didn't come out until this passed July about my step-dad.

-K