The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems that negativity seems to get so much attention, when in reality I rarely see negativity here. When it does come up, more times then not it is coming from a negative place in someone's heart and thier perception of a situation.
Mostly I see love, a helping hand to someone reaching out...and hope. A host of kindred spirits trying to get through life, the 12 steps, helping eachother get there...together as one collective group the best way we can.
In Edna's post a few days ago she referred to "climbing a mountain", some people are at the bottom, some at the top. Those at the top have always shown me they are willing to offer a hand and pull me up the mountain as long as I'm doing my part and sometimes even when I'm not. When I have fallen and rolled a few hundred feet down the mountain, I can count on these same people to offer that same hand over and over.
So much negativity comes from our own heads. We think we are spoken to in a condiscending manner, we are absolutely sure that a sarcastic comment was directed toward us. We feel attacked, ignored, picked on etc etc. Then we stew on it and let it fester for days, even months. It is part of our disease and so common among codependants.
I think as we grow in the program we see more clearly, love a little easier and take some of those defensive barriers down.
I now not onlytry to ignore those feelings, but if someone does intentionally direct a negative comment to me I choose to JADE. Jade was given to me by one of the people here that pull me up my mountain. JADE: do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I have those words in front of me daily on a sticky note. I try to use JADE as the opportunity calls for it. I also have learned to not let someone elses words or comments affect me for days. I more then likely will consider them sick in their disease and move on. I have me to heal, I can't take on what someone says to or about me out of thier anger, hurt or whatever has them frustrated that day. When someone feels the need to attack, choices are few but we do have have two. either engage or Blind Em With Butt (meaning walk away). In chat and on the board, I just don't acknowledge remarks directed at me if possible. Before Alanon, I was programmed to never walk away, never back down, stand my ground. I've had to change my distorted thinking. Sometimes I have a knee jerk reaction and resort to old habits, I'm not perfect. I just try to correct it as quickly as possible.
We do have options and Alanon sayings help tremendously...
Keep it simple How important is it? Think Just for Today Let go and let God Principles above personalities Mind your own business and Let it begin with me (or in some cases, let it stop with me)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree. I do find, there are some people here who do rub me the wrong way, don't know if it's me or them. I just don't read their posts if I am in a negative mood. Or, if I find I am responding in a way that might seem mean, I don't post it, but instead go away for a few hours. Sometimes I can come back with something positive to say, sometimes it just slips right off my radar - never think of it again. In general, I find this board a good influence on my life. Nobody is tieing us to the keyboard, however. If we feel it dragging us down, notihng wrong with staying away for a while. That is the beauty of alanon - you take what you need, and leave the rest.
Spending 3 months in a rehab gave me a lot of time to reflect on the stuff you covered in your post. I'd like to add something I realized that has really helped turn negativity into something positive for me. By attempting to open up my ears and mind (for the first time in my life, REALLY trying) I realized how judgemental and closed minded I had always been towards people. By listening and trying to understand where others are coming from, I can really learn alot. Even if don't like the person or completely disagree with their point of view or opinion. To those people I try to have this attitude: What about this person or what he is saying do I disagree with or don't like? Do I behave or think the same way sometimes, perhaps about other issues? Am I being hypocritical not liking that behavior in someone else, but acting the same way in other instances? Is this person someone I don't want to be like?
By searching for the answers to these questions it really takes the focus off of them and puts it where it belongs; ON ME. I have learned so much about seeing myself mirrored in the behavior of others, it has really helped me become (I hope) more tolerant and humble. I can't change the negative behavior of others, but maybe I can use it to my benefit by re-examining my side of the street.
I too think our state of mind when we read something can put a different twist on what was written. We have a great group of people that pull each other up and dust each other off as needed. But as in any group there are foing to be tough patches but applying the simple rules of communication can help resolve things quickly. All the slogans are Awesome!!
It all Starts and Ends with Me!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Thanks for your post. I totally agree with you. And I would like to add sometimes the people on the mountain look to other people higher on the mountain to say the things they are thinking, but don't have the words to say.
Thank you for saying what my heart has been trying to put into words.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
