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I empathize with you. My husband owned a bar for eight years and was never able to overcome his disease. He died of complications from his drinking earlier this year at the age of 52 (he lost the business - and me, we were in the middle of divorce proceedings- six months prior to his passing due to not being able to balance his drinking with his business and personal responsibilities). Do anything you can to help yourself. That's the best thing you can do right now to help both of you in this very complicated situation that you are in. Sending you lots of support right now.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 10:25:43 AM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 10:44:15 AM
My girlfriend owns a bar and I am the head bartender at it too. Great job for an alchoholic I know! Sometimes she falls out with her business partner, goes on a bender and nearly closes the doors for good. We work predominantly all our shifts together and when a bender is finished and she is pissed off with her partner she refuses to go in (sometimes because she gets crippling hangovers, sometimes because the bender is ongoing). When this happens she refuses to give me the keys to go in and do my job. I let this happen and stay at home. Just seeing this written down makes me think that I definitely am enabling, but how do I stop if she adamantly refuses me? Saying things like "It's MY bar and YOU have no right to take my keys and go in" etc. If I just take them surely it will exacerbate the situation further and if I just let it go I'm enabling??
(((nelson))) Ever think of getting another job? Crazy making, isn't it? Been there. I know you're asking about enabling here, but the circumstance you describe is an employer/employee issue, too. If the other owner is at the bar, do you need the keys to go to it to work? Lots of support as you figure out the best ways to take care of you.
The other owner is on a day off when we're rota'd to come in and he is a problem as well in that he can be unsupportive towards her and rile her up further when they clash leading up to the first drink. He is aware that she is an alcoholic and it infuriates me that he acts in the way he does sometimes!!!
I have been thinking about another job, I have stayed on at this bar because I genuinely want to help her build a successful business and be there for her when she may waver, and I have done a good job at it at some points. Others not so much but then how much can you do eh? I have been thinking about leaving but I have taken on a lot of responsibility there and it helps relieve pressure on both my girlfriend and her business partner, allowing her to avoid tiredness by sleeping in/going home early so she is at her best, I cash up sometimes and can look after the bar which I think is a positive thing for her to have someone so reliable at work to at least relieve that bit of stress.
That being said, leaving is still an option and I am seriously considering it. I just worry that if I do, she will get angry and spiral out of control.
You can't help her if she spirals out of control. That is her deal not yours
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it so I suggest you seek help for yourself. The best way you can help her is let go and her feel the true consequences of her behavior.
Might find a Al-anon meeting in your area and attend a few meetings then you will understand a little more of this killing disease.
Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You both have much to learn in recovery. Hers in AA and yours in Alanon.
In many years in AA, I have NEVER met anyone that got sober for good while working in a bar or owning one. The saying goes "If you hang around in a barbershop long enough, you will get a haircut." I have met some that were able to work in nightclubs and bars after establishing a solid AA foundation beforehand, but the temptation and alcohol feuled environment is too much for a newcomer. Sadly, us drunks are a stubborn lot and we are determined that nobody will tell us what to do and we can be the 1 person different than everyone else.
Sounds like a giant trainwreck of good intentions and bad judgment. It also sounds like you are massively enmeshed and entangled in the blob of dysfunction and it has all the ingredients to make for a mind blowing enabling cluster@#$.
She has chosen to surround herself with alcohol in every possible way and is trying to recover in AA. Anyone in AA will probably suggest for her to make some changes and he is probably not gonna listen because it will mean doing some scary changes to her business and personal life. She has it set up so that almost any way you interact with her is going to have some aspects of enabling and enmeshment.
I don't know what else to say other than that it's healthy for a relationship to have boundaries. Right now the boundaries are blurred for you across multiple areas creating drama in all those areas of life (work, fun, relationships....all of it).
Active alcoholics do not like hearing that they need to make major life changes in order to stay sober. This is the same as a morbidly obese person doesn't wanna hear about lifestyle changes either... It does sound like her whole lifestyle needs to change and she has set you up to be in a position to sustain her lifestyle. So....VERY hard to not enable. She has literally put you in a paid enabler role. Get to alanon and take this one step at a time.
I have never been a big fan of labels, per se, but this does NOT sound like enabling, as such.
Enabling is loosely described as "doing something for our A's that they are capable of doing for themselves, that shields them from the consequences of their behavior, AND is to our detriment"
To my eyes, you aren't enabling, per se, but you do have an extremely unique and seemingly close to impossible set of circumstances.... Even in my "glass half full" set of eyes, I am having a tough time imagining this situation ending well - an erratic, controlling, active alcoholic who not only owns a bar, but dictates your ability to work....
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Canadianguy is very wise but I have to say that in my view this looks exactly like enabling, because you are cleaning up the messes she caused so that she doesn't have to experience the consequences of them. Relieving pressure, being there to take over in case she wavers, trying to keep her from getting tired or overdoing it -- those are all fine if she weren't an alcoholic. But the fact that she is an alcoholic means that she will get drunk and bail on her responsibilities, as you report. And when she does that you're there to take over and keep things running smoothly, as if she weren't an alcoholic. So you're rescuing her from the consequences of her alcoholism. And trying to prevent her drinking by making everything go as well as possible. (Non-alcoholics aren't non-alcoholics because everything goes so well in their lives. They're non-alcoholics because they don't respond to trouble by drinking. There will always be enough trouble to give someone a pretext for drinking.) And you're afraid to stop enabling because that might send her on another bender. I imagine everyone on these boards has tried to manage the chaos just as you're doing. The problem that even so the chaos is still there.
It is true that if you stop the enabling, she will probably go on a bender, as well as do everything in her power to get things back the way they were again. The solution is to keep her actions from affecting your serenity and state of mind. I know you're probably saying, "Let her just go on a bender?! How can that be good?" But she won't see the down side of her actions until she experiences the full, uncushioned consequences. Even then it often takes a long time, if it happens at all. But no alcoholic stops drinking when things are going well for them. Why would they?
Detaching your income from your gf's addiction would be a really helpful step. Also, even despite ourselves, we get pulled into the insanity until our thoughts are distorted. That's why we can benefit so much from our own recovery. That helps us see the way forward. I hope you'll read all you can on here, find a face-to-face meeting (they say to try 6 because they're all different), get the literature, and keep coming back.
