It is wonderful that you are going to al anon....kudos to you and, yes, there is hope.  As far as dealing with the hangover, affirming your love is awesome, then let her sit in the state of microwaved s****.  That is one of the consequences of her choices and it is not cruel on your part, either.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 07:08:46 PM

Thank you for the response. She does go to AA already and does at least try to get to 2 meetings a week and for that I'm thankful. She had just made it over a month sober and it was a business disagreement that pushed her over the edge. I am going to my first al anon meeting tomorrow so that's a start for me, just seeing the quick response and the support you have already shown gives me some real hope here.

Do you have any advice re dealing with the hangover after? In the past I have refused to go to the shop to buy some 'medicinal' cider to help ease it and she rode it out like a champ. Other times I gave her one or two drinks to ease it. I don't think the latter is the right way. Should I be loving, tolerant and forgiving straight away when she's hungover? I am working hard to eliminate any sort of enabling I possibly can. 

Thank you!

Why should you worry at all about the "right" way to fix someone else's messed up behavior? Who put you in charge of getting her back to functional status after her binges also? You talked about doling out drinks to her to ease her detox. That's not just enabling but literally playing doctor/nurse. The alanon meetings will help you turn this focus off her and onto you.

I would not be her cheerleader, nurse, parent or any of those. It will take hard work to detach and start going about your own business. Telling someone "I will love you no matter what" is not realistic. I would like to think I'm not so jaded that I lost belief in unconditional love, but I have learned the hard way (through multiple relationships and break ups and even some with alcoholics) that telling them you will love them no matter what is 1. Not true, and 2. The same as saying "Treat me like crap and I will come back for more."

She drinks cuz she it broken on the inside. Only she (and her HP) can fix that and it will be through her work in recovery.

So my suggestion to her would be (if you say anything at all about her relapse) to say something along the lines of "Okay. You relapsed. Pick up a white chip and keep coming back to AA" That is what we say in AA generally to folks coming back after a relapse. I can tell you as an outsider and as a recovering alcoholic in AA - 2 meetings a week is far too few for a newcomer. A sponsor would help, step work...and also having nobody buy her excuses such as "Oh I was stressed over a business deal"....No. She drank because she wasn't working her program and she's an alcoholic. Period. Detachment is hard work but continuing to feed into her alcoholic craziness is more taxing on you I promise.

When someone I care about does something scary and self-sabotaging to themselves, I have learned it's best to pull back...way back and let them sort it out and get help. Otherwise I will sink with them. I can only "help" another alcoholic when my own self-esteem and well-being is NOT tied to them if that makes sense. You have too much invested with her to be involved in her program or her lack there of beyond saying things like "I hope you get back to meetings" or "Maybe call your sponsor".... At some point even saying those things might be a waste of your time and energy.

Are you willing to let go of her enough so that she can recover? That could seriously mean her going to meetings 7 days a week and eating, breathing, and crapping AA for over a couple years (and then still having AA at the center of her life for the rest of her life after that). That is what I had to do to finally get sober and if you ask anyone on the AA board here at MIP, they will tell you the same thing. It's horrible that we (alcoholics) are that selfish and that we have so little to offer in relationships until we can take care of ourselves. Many folks that get involved with active drunks or chronic relapsers get "hooked" on that drama and they feel "love" by assisting the person and helping pick them up when they fall. Almost like the closeness and bonding comes due to their screw ups and needing help so badly. It does feel good to be needed in some ways...especially when that's really all that an alcoholic can give you in the way of caring and bonding. That is where the enabling comes in from you. When she stumbles out and looks at you all lost, scared you are gonna dump her, afraid of what she did and every ounce of her is grasping for you or someone else to put her humpty dumpty broken drunk self back together again....It will take a good alanon program for you to just give her a quick hug and say "Call your sponsor and go to a meeting." Hand her own disease back to her...over and over again. It's tiring but it's less draining than enabling and this is your choice to stay in a relationship with her.

And double back onto PP (LOL)...please don't feel judged. I was with another alcoholic who bartended and I sat and drank and we closed the bar together and all our interactions were dramatic and surrounded by alcohol and alcoholism for so many years. I did that for sooooooo long. Being involved with alcoholics, bar owners, and yes even alcoholic bar owners was not unusual because why? I practically lived in bars. It just happened but I had to make some changes for my own sanity. You will figure this out. We are here for you. Regardless of her, the bar, your job...Just know that you will be okay.

Thank you for all of your opinion and support on the matter. She has flown off the handle again today and, although she hasn't picked up a drink yet, I fear she will do it in a matter of time. I think she has just stormed out to close her back and take control from her business partner and I told her I would not be a part of that. 

I won't be treated like crap and it all be ok. I am going to a friends now and hopefully it will all resolve.

Big love