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I gotta keep doing this. And I gotta remember what I think Tom said, imagine 'sick, sick, sick' acrossed her forehead.
Last night my son asked her to go to his basketball game at 6:15. Her answer is, I'm tired on the weekdays, I'll try to go on the weekends. I saw the look of disappointment. He left I closed the door. I told her that it was BS that she can't go to her son's games cause of other choices she makes. And you know what, it's not just the booze, even during dry periods, "I'm tired" was the mantra.
This coming from the same person who would expect me to go to any event even had I been up for over 30 hrs straight.
Then there was dinner last night. Couldn't afford what I planned for my birthday on cause I had to front money for my gift (of course she comes home w/ 30 pk as well, lesson learned). Finally I decide that I'll the grocery store makes really good friedn chicken when you order it fresh, 12 pc on sale. I call her up and ask her to make instant mashed potatoes and corn for me and I'll pick up chicken. "Put I just got on the phone w/ my sister" uh.....ok. Can't boil water while on phone? She asks my daughter to do it, her reply "why can't you mom?" So I come home think pasta, then think I have time to do the potatoes myself call the store and it's too late to order.
I decide I got some really good coupons for BK, I'll take the kids to BK. It's away from A, the kids will enjoy it and I don't have to cook. Well we are there and she calls me and says, "I don't appreciate you not asking me if I wanted anything". Meanwhile I had a burger on the table for her on the table to bring home. This form the woman who couldn't go to her son's birthday and couldn't boil water while on the phone.
So today driving to work, I couldn't KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I told her that she has the largest set of brass b**ls I've ever seen, asking me that last night when she couldn't boil water for me. She then procedes to tell me I told her to ask my daughter.....yeah, after I asked you and you declined, which you can't remember. Her retort, "I know, I'm a piece of sh**." Well, great I fed the disease a little more. grrrr.... My reply was neither confirmation nor denial, I simply said, "you are what you choose to be".
Of course this morphed back into the discussion of going to about 5% of the kids events. 1st - I can't be tired? I work weekdays. Answer: You haven't gone even when you weren't working. Even when you weren't drinking. 2nd answer - "I don't like sports, it's boring" Ugh.. Yup, I like every event I go to too. I don't go for the entertainment value of the event, I go because I want to see my children.
It's all lost.
From the Clash: I'm all lost in the super market, I can no longer shop happily, I came here for the special offer, guaranteed personality.
My problem is I'm still looking in the hardware store !!!!!!!!
Ah, I feel marginally better now. Off to f2f.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Wow!! Who wouldn't feel what you are feeling? We aren't made of ice. IMO, there are some things that just aren't acceptable as human beings and being an alcoholic is no excuse for it. Nuff said. The cody in me wants to give you a wonderful Birthday.
I love ya ((bump))
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sometimes I get so frustrated first with my a and then with myself. I know I shouldn't say things sometimes, but it eats at me and eats at me and I just can't keep my mouth shut! I've said it before--it's that letting it go bit that I get hung up on.
I hope that today goes better for you!! I'm sorry for all the aggravationa and frustration especially on a b-day!!! Wouldn't it be great for one month of peace (just to rejuvenate and feel like eventually it would all be o.k.?)? That's what I would like right now, but then I would be spoiled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-My oldest daughter was kinda nasty in the morning but sent me a text msg from school saying HB. -My 13 and 9 yo were exceptionally nice, they even caught themselves fighting and stopped. -My A did run out to get instant coffee to make me mocha icing (but the damn dog at 1/4 of my cake while she was gone, LOL). -The icing was yummy. -The gift while there were some issues w/ her borrowing money, was a thoughful gift, something I'd wanted but wouldn't buy. -When I got home from grocery shopping my 13 and 9 yo immediately and w/o asking helped me empty the car. -I did have my birthday outted in chat and here on the board and got some great birthday smiles at the well wishes. Hmmm..who did that? -Also had some friends call me and/or IM w/ me and expressed their wishes and were great company !
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Bob: I feel for you you should at least be able to ask her to boil water but we have to look at Tom's mandate "Sick sick Sick" across the forehead. And not take it personally.
How hard it is not to take it personally when you are bending over backwards.
I do not think A's see themselves. I also don't think I see myself. I don' t have that marker on me that says "enough" I just keep going until my body gives out. My body has given out 3 times in the last 3 years and I know I have to have limits these days.
I know how easy it is to give into arguing and now don't do it. I don't know how long I won't be able to not do it for. But I can say not arguing free's up a lot of energy for me and I appreciate that because I don't have much of it.
Since you are currrently both parents to the children you must be exhausted. I hope you can find some way to celebrate your birthday which will be giving to you. I am glad you had a birthday and are there for your children. I understand viscerally the kind of frustration, disappointment and more you are dealing with . I also understand the contant demands of an A. I try now not to answer those demands not because I am selfish but because I am concerned for my own limits and compassion. I know what compassion fatigue does.
I also know that at various times in my life when I have been totally burned out on many many levels I have leaned rather too hard on others. I did not see the signs of that and I know what that looks like now. I am gradually learning to look at my part in it and that is new for me. I can stand forever like a deer in the headlights at the mess the A made. I have to look at my own mess, my own inability to take care of myself and how that led me to the A in the first place. I am not to blame for their alcoholism/drug addiciton but I am responsible to myself to learn how to be more healthy even in a chaotic crazy world of the A. And that is a very very tough call.
I feel for you. Your A acted a lot like my mom does. Couldn't make it to my choir concerts, plays, etc. when I was growing up. Couldn't do things for others in the family but expects much from us. Wants us to tiptoe around her and jump when she yells for us. At times, I feel she is getting better, but I also don't live at home. Made a decision several years ago to not be in that situation again if I can avoid it.
Happy belated birthday. I wasn't in the meeting when it got outed so couldn't do anything special for you then. Keep taking care of yourself - it was very sweet to read all that your kids did for you on your birthday. Especially when kids are inherently self-centered. That is wonderful.
sorry to hear about all the crap you're going through..just focus on you and your kids..you sound like a great dad...!! Don't let anyone put you down for standing up for yourself. You are making progress and will continue to grow with each passing day. It takes time, one day....Believe me, but you can do it.
Have you ever read the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie..that is an awesome book..I have gotten it from the local library..it will give you great insight to take care of yourself and not be a door mat..another one you might read is "getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drews...I have read it so many times and when I find the A in my life playing games or just getting to me, I take it out and read. It makes me see that alcoholism is truly a family disease and affects everyone who is involved.
It is good that you are venting and getting it out..I feel expressing yourself is a way of healing..it sure has done wonders for me.
I am going to keep this simple, but thank you, you have no idea how badly I needed to read your initial post and then your reply. Thank you, you helped me tonight.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Another one which helped me many times,,before I "reacted" or got enmeshed in their crap,,,was to think I was talking to a booze bottle.You know how far you would get doing that..............................dont forget we are humans we have feelings no matter how old we get. Try not to take it personally, hard I know,,,but you can fake it til you make it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
Thanks for sharing your birthday experience. Sounds like your children did their little parts to show you that they care and love you. I too get so frustrated with my "a" especially when I put a great deal of planning and effort into an evening and he can't seem to find the time in his heart or his life to contribute and help. I'm learning to just do it for myself anyway. Great rebound with taking the kids to BK, I do that alot myself. It gets us breathing different air and I don't feel so uptight and irritated with staying at home. Usually if I do stay home I go in another room and give it some time and space. I blow up often still, and I feel bad about it. It's hard to change that thinking and reasoning at the time when I'm so mad or feel stepped on. I'm glad you got your needs met at your F2F and message boards, Happy Belated B-day!!
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Bobump: I am so glad the dog got to share in the birthday too. They have a funny way of doing that don't they. I am also glad that you still have a sense of humor I've lost mine many many times.
