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As you know my husband is in rehab. He's been ok, but today we talked about what would've happened EVENTUALLY, if he hadn't of gotten help. He acted surprised that I would've left him, although we had many many arguments prior to that and he packed up a couple of times. Now he's depressed and can't get past it, and I am afraid of what to say and not to say to him. He says he's a "loser". I keep telling him, that that is in the past, and he's taken an important step and I'm proud of him. He said maybe we shouldn't talk until he gets out....I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again with him. I'm obsessing again and I don't like it. When will this phase end? Is it normal? I know he's awakening to what he's done, but I keep telling him I'm not angry....but I did get defensive. What did he expect me to do if things didn't get better? Sorry for the venting.....maybe I expect too much too soon. Has anyone else gone through this stage? I told him I was going through my own 12 Steps, and he's insecure about that a little. That I'd leave once I got my own head together. I'm grateful he's opening up, but why would I leave if things are going to get better?? I've stuck through the hellish times haven't I? This is a tough day.
My husband went through a very good rehab last year and he was in for 3 months. I remember his behavior pretty well. We talked EVERY night (and I remember wishing that he hadn't...I needed a break from him) we didn't really talk about the "REAL" stuff. He went through what you described. He felt terribly sorry for himself and was terribly sorry for puttijng me through hell and ask many times over "are you going to leave me", most of the time he said he was just kidding, but I think he really wondered. This was in the very early stages of his recovery. I do believe it is just one of the many phases he will go through. My husband went from self loathing, to anger about being in rehab, to feeling insecure about the future, to some acceptance of his situation, to some understanding of it, to embracing his disease. So far so good!
He still acted in some weird ways while in rehab. He would try to start a fight with me. Conversation starts off OK then takes a strange turn and he's mad at something and then hanging up on me. It was really odd. They are going through alot of soul searching and as we know that isn't easy! Have some patience, this takes a lot of time. It truly is baby steps.
Sometimes it is better to take a break from each other so that you each can concentrate on your own work. I know for me the time my A spent in rehab. was the most welcome relief. and really jump started my own recovery. For that I am grateful. The work is just beginning for him. I feel your frustration.
This can be the beginning of wonderful times ahead. I laugh when I think about it, but had my A not gone to rehab I would not be here today.....feeling better, more hopeful, happier, content, but not without the help of others AND I have a much longer road ahead of me that looks llike it gets better and better along the way.
The very best of everything for you and your family. I hope your husband takes advantage of his stay because there is definitely another way to live and it's a good one!
Thanks Michelle. I wrote a letter to him tonight, don't know if I'll read it to him, but it put things in better perspective. The mood swings are strange, "lovey dovey" one moment, then angry, then depressed, than happy again. He feels awful that it had to "come to this". But I keep on telling him it's a positive thing, to take this time to work on himself. It doesn't help much that he had to give up nicotine and caffeine too....that would be enough for me to get mood swings, but maybe that's just me excusing his behavior again. I'm glad things are working out for you and your husband..that gives me hope. I just have to detach myself I guess when he gets like this and just know it's part of the process. thanks again!
Rehab is such a wonderful and exhausting place for our a's and for us! I know I was so excited when my a decided to check himself in. I could relax and know he was safe there--while I missed him terribly I didn't have to worry about what he was up to. I was so scared about the changes coming when he returned home. He sure did have a lot to open his eyes up to. It scared him to. I think it is so much for them because they have spent so much time trying to avoid their feelings they don't know what to do now!!!!
My a says al-anon teaches me bad things (he says this jokingly because as much as he hates to really think about it, he knows things could not have continued the way that they were!!!)
Maybe your a wasn't able to think logically and see how bad things had really gotten-they do live in their own little world. Thinking about it realistically could have just been real scary for him.
After he sees how much better the two of you get each working your program he won't be so afraid!
