The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got back from an al-anon meeting. It was a good one for me. For some reason I feel comfortable to share from my heart at this meeting. Last week all I did was cry at this meeting. I was worried about going back tonight but they accepted me with no hesitation. I shared tonight about how I am having trouble connecting to my HP… how there are definitely times I really believe and then the rest of the time I have trouble accepting it. My sponsor has told me I am hard headed. Maybe it is true. I so badly want to fully believe and let go; however I seem to be unable to do it. I thought I fully believed that I had admitted I was powerless… however there is the part of me that still thinks I have power over myself. I should shouldn’t I… have control over myself (this is a rhetorical question)? I have trouble understanding how my HP could have control over me. I keep trying to put the puzzle together but some of the pieces seem to be missing. I had a ½ hr talk with my HP on the way home… asking for everything from guidance, willingness to happiness and health. I even talked about how it does not make sense that when things are not going well and I can admit that they aren’t going well… I would not have the total willingness to give it all up to my HP…. What would I have to loose??? I just can’t seem to get it. My sponsor even is letting me borrow her HP till I connect with mine… and for some reason I can do that! I can’t figure it out. Any ESH would be so greatly appreciated. I’m so confused and frustrated. Thanks.
I also struggled with HP. I am not a religious person. However I do believe in fate and karma and that we are all here for a reason. For me....I had to say it out loud to my HP in front of others....I said is it too much to ask for you to help me??? I said it in a meeting and I found the help I needed that day. But I was at my bottom. I had nothing left to lose. I believe that when a door closes...a window of opportunity opens. I also believe that I have walked right past that open window many times and I never saw it at all. I try now to keep an open mind....take it one day or even one minute at a time. For me it is about fear. Fear of letting go. Loss of control really bothers me. Giving it up to anyone is hard for me. But what if it isn't up to us at all anyway? Why not have blind faith that your HP will look out for you? That your HP has your best interest at heart. That you are exactly where you are supposed to be on your journey right now.
however there is the part of me that still thinks I have power over myself. I should shouldn’t I… have control over myself (this is a rhetorical question)? I have trouble understanding how my HP could have control over me.
I think you do have power over yourself to a great extent. You have free will to do what you want and react to situations the way you do. I think the power we don't have is over other people and situations (like alcoholism) that are beyond our human capacity to control. By surrendering yourself to your higher power, you are not giving up your control over yourself. You are attempting to do His will (as best as you can figure that out) and leaving the outcome in His hands. I think as we become wiser through working the program, it becomes easier to really live the serenity prayer and distinguish what we have control over and what we do not. The important part is to do the best we can with the things we have control over and let things go where we are powerless. The steps are about handing your will over to God. To me that means doing the next right thing. But not stressing about the outcome.
Just my point of view, maybe someone more spiritually enlightened would disagree.
Here is my current mode of thinking. As I am exposed to more and more ES&H on the subject, I can incorporate that into my present view or change it all together. That is one of the many joys of the program, there is no right and wrong way to have a HP.
One view I've had since HS is that life is a combination of fate and free will. We are put on this earth at a given time. There is an element of fate. I look at fate as a road map or trail map. There are places on that map, various endpoints we could reach, various waypoints along the way to visit. There are almost infinite ways to get to the same waypoints and locations. That is the beauty of it where our free will comes in. We can chose the take the long way, the short way, the scenic route etc. That is where free will comes in. We are free to chose any path along the way.
But we never see the map. If we try to force destinations this is where we get into trouble. We need to trust our HP. We have to try to do his will and take the way our HP wishes. Now if we don't, that doesn't mean we shall never reach one of those beautiful waypoints along the way, it just means that we'll have to wait for our next opportunity to chose a new direction. I hope and pray that by keeping in contact w/ my HP that my HP's will, shall be revealed to me, and that he will give me the strenght to take the right path. Maybe the first one looks real bumpy or steep. I need to strenght to get past the obstacle and trust my HP that it is truly the better route.
For instance, it's possible I might have come to the realizations earlier in my life that have driven me here to program. I didn't, so I ended up going down the road of my A. Had I not gone down this road, maybe something different would have driven me here or a similiar place, maybe I'd have never come to any of these realizations and just believed everyone else is screwed up.
I don't expect this to be your view or anyone elses. For me this is what works in the here an now. Again, I love hearing others share how spirituality works in their program. I just might find something new.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am not a religious person, but I'm not a true disbeliever. I never had an epiphany on religion. I've studied many different sorts searching for one I truly believe in, but have never found one in all of my years. I believe in Karma, and fate as well...I have seen Karma at work on many occasions. I believe that everyone has a purpose in life, finding it is the real problem. So what guides Karma and Fate? Is it the Higher Power of which you all are speaking? Maybe so...
I find it hard to swallow that I am powerless in any situation, all choices should have some sort of logic to them...that's my opinion. The situation that I'm in now is completely illogical, but should I turn my whole life over to a Higher Power because of it, or do I use my brain to decide what's best for me? I guess that's the question...to hope for salvation or to try and fix your life on your own... This is the point I'm at....and of course I am absolutely no help to the poster of this topic...I'm kind of in the same boat...
I too struggle with this. For me, I have alwasy inately beleived in a high power of some kind. I choose to use the word "God." At the same time, I alwasy beleived that I was in control of my surroundings and of my life and of the things that happened in my life. I felt responsible for everything. I gre up learning how to very craftily manipulate people and situations in order to get what I wanted. As I've gotten older and grown in my program, I can now see that I truely had vry little control over any of those people or situations. And I realized that all along, God was taking care of things for me. This was when I ralized that I could give up the false sense of control that I had imagined all of those years. I now ralize that my path and my fate in in God's hand.
However, it's how I choose to handle this LACK of control that I DO have control over. Now I can resist it and swim upstream forthe rest of my life, OR I can learn to trust God, trust the people around me to take care of themselves and instead go with the flow and end up with a LOT more energy to take care of me.
Don't get me wrong, I fight myself on this a lot. It's not easy to give up a life long habit. But I try and I pray and I laugh. I laugh a lot.
I have been thinking about this lately, and haven't had the time or the motivation to put it into words. Thanks for the oppurtunity to do so. I'm not sure if this will make any sense or help any but here is where I sit with my HP.
I have always had faith in a Higher Power, I felt it everywhere, in all different forms. Somewhere along this journey I lost trust in people and along with it I lost trust in my HP. After asking so many times for things that were not given to me it did not seem that I could rely on anyone but myself. It's been very hard to get that trust back. I started small and in horrible times, I asked my HP to lend me enough strength to get through a phone call without crying and to be able to smile at work, and make others feel special. At the time these little things could not have been done by me alone. My trust has come back slowly over the last year or so, making connecting with my HP much easier. I have come to appreciate this slow acceptance, it is built to last.
In the bigger picture I believe that we all have a destination to reach, and free will to play with as to how we get there.
Thanks.